Snake charmer: Jake “the Snake” Roberts slithered his way back onto WWE TV with an inspired promo on Monday’s RAW. Looking haggard but not necessarily horrible, Roberts cut a promo that every young man on the roster should have been studying on the back monitor. Instead of watching the old master, half of the rookies in the dressing room Monday night were instead probably playing Xbox.

They could have learned a lot from Roberts, who came from a time when the boys were merely given an outline, just a direction to follow when delivering their spiel, which resulted in the interviews coming off as an extension of their true selves. And Roberts was the master—he had a PhD in Rasslin’ Psychology.

Roberts’ interview Monday was scripted carefully; however, the Snake made it his own, delivering a key promo in getting over the Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker match-up at WrestleMania. His facial expressions alone should be required viewing for today’s greenhorns. It appears the company is going forward with an Orton heel turn, as you just don’t go after established old-timers like Roberts and The Undertaker and remain a babyface.

Note to staff: The fans don’t want today’s idols abusing our modern-day Lou Thesz (or perhaps more accurately, our Buddy Rogers), Ric Flair, either.

The Roberts/Orton segment was great television—not nearly as dramatic as say, his return to WCW years back attacking Sting—but still effective. And although we didn’t get the DDT we all wanted Monday, the live crowd was treated to the following after RAW went off the air: Roberts put the snake on Flair, DDT’d Triple H and gave the World champion a snaking as well. If only he could have applied his infamous finisher on Christy Hemme, the night would have been complete. I know the man’s got his snakeskin baggage, but Roberts should be considered for a psychology-coach position of sorts with WWE. Only for a moment did Jake stray from his script Monday—when he exclaimed, “Man, it’s good to be back.” Good to have you back, Jake. The pleasure was ours.

Only slightly off his Rocker: Marty Jannetty also returned Monday, teaming with former partner Shawn Michaels (The Rockers), in an attempt to build up the former tag-team specialist before Kurt Angle attempts to break him down on Thursday’s SMACKDOWN! on UPN. All things considered, Jannetty looked good Monday, with only an off kip-up the lone miscue in the former AWA World tag champs’ victory over La Resistance, who earned Salesmen of the Month for their performances.

Jannetty appeared thrilled Monday night, drinking up the fans’ cheers, much like the hard liquor of his past. That may sound harsh, but it’s not—I recently listened to a radio interview with Jannetty, who was very forthcoming about his past mistakes. (To be fair, it wasn’t all Jannetty’s fault—remember The New Rockers gimmick with Al Snow?)

Let’s just say that Jannetty in hindsight has a far greater appreciation for the lucrative spot he once held than he did when he was young and foolish—as we all once were. Initially, I figured his current role would be certainly be short-term, with him likely done after Angle gets a victory over the man “who taught Shawn Michaels everything he knew.” Early reports indicate that Jannetty looked sharp in the ring with Angle at the SMACKDOWN! taping Tuesday night, so maybe they’ll extend his stay with a small push. I’ve always enjoyed Jannetty’s work, despite the lame gimmick and bad haircut.

Jannetty even acknowledges that he and Shawn angered many in the biz by years ago by accepting the “Midnight Rockers” moniker in the AWA when Verne Gagne first paired them up. Me? I thought they were a couple of dork who couldn’t decide who exactly they were ripping off, the Midnight Express or the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express. In some ways, they were more spectacular than Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson, and certainly more physically fit; however, neither Michaels or Jannetty at that point had the psychology that the Memphis tag-team veterans had.

See, I was a Memphis mark, who viewed even the Rock ‘n’ Rolls as a slight rip-off of The Fabulous Ones, Steve Keirn and Stan Lane. In Memphis, during ’82-’83, the Fabs were the men; Ricky and Robert—despite their superior work—were the boys. They came second, and perhaps more important, they didn’t have the endorsement of the legendary “Fabulous” Jackie Fargo. But fans of Mid-South, and later, the Crockett-on-TBS-NWA, didn’t know any better. To them, the bandana-adorned babyfaces were the innovators not the imitators.

Some say that the Fabs didn’t get over nationally because they didn’t have natural rivals like the R ‘n’ R had with Jim Cornette’s Midnight Express. Not true; in fact, the Fabs’ gimmick was carefully planned months before with the intro in Memphis of Jimmy Hart’s latest First Family team, the tuxedo-clad Rick McGraw and Troy Graham (sadly, both now deceased), a.k.a., the New York Dolls. McGraw and Graham were the first ones in the ’80s to enter the ring with top hats, bow ties and sequined Tuxedo jackets. Booker Jerry Jarrett planned it that way, as he knew that longtime area fans would draw comparisons to the Fabulous Fargos, Jackie and Donnie, who in the ’50s and ’60s were the Gorgeous Georges of tag-team wrestling.

The Rockers arrived in Memphis as babyfaces in 1987, a short time after being unceremoniously sacked by Vince McMahon on practically the same day as their WWE debut. They went to a bar with Jimmy Jack Funk (Jesse Barr) and trashed the place in celebration, as Jannetty puts it, “fitting in with the boys, socializing.” McMahon wasn’t impressed and fired them, though Jannetty to this day claims they were set up by Funk/Barr, who was angered over a situation with a girl. (She left with Jannetty instead of his lame-ass, Lone Ranger-looking gimmick self.)

The team suddenly found themselves working at the Mid-South Coliseum with a gimmick that had long since died with the departure of the Fabulous One a couple of years earlier. Never favorites with management in their AWA days, they were even more difficult to deal with in Memphis. Supposedly, veteran Bill Dundee was so pissed with their attitude one night that he locked them out of the Nashville Sports Arena (if you call it an “arena”—it was more like a barn) in a snowstorm with them wearing only their ring attire. Jarrett turned them heel, a natural move, and they excelled in their new roles. (Jarrett putting them with bizarre manager Mark Goleen, whose accent I never did quite figure out, remains a mystery, however.) The heel Rockers even had a brief feud with the oddball team of Scott Hall (the future Razor Ramon) and “Nightmare” Ken Wayne, with their matches usually the best performances on the card. Although that wasn’t saying a helluva lot in Memphis at that point.

After another stint in the AWA, McMahon decided to give them another shot, and they made the most of it this time. Their matches were usually excellent (their WrestleMania bout with Big Bossman and Akeem a notable exception), as the duo had tremendous chemistry with on-air rivals Pat Tanaka and Paul Diamond (under the hood as Kato), the Orient Express. Yet somehow the World tag belts eluded them. They actually won the belts from the Hart Foundation; however, Vince changed his mind and reversed the decision instead of having the Rockers drop the titles in a rematch. (Back then, those belts meant something, a foreign concept today.)

Still, they were making good money if not many friends in the locker room, and it went to their heads. They admit that they partied a lot, which led to them constantly working hung-over—even during high-profile PPV bouts. The two were eventually split up after a “misunderstanding” led to Jannetty’s brief firing, with Michaels picked to be the company’s next hot young singles heel. The turn was brilliantly executed, with Michaels throwing Jannetty’s head through a pane glass window on the set of the Barber Shop, Brutus Beefcake’s ill-conceived weekly interview segment. The story goes Jannetty’s face was legit cut to ribbons, although the camera didn’t get a good shot—blood was practically nonexistent on WWE TV at the time.

Michaels went on to become a huge singles star, while Jannetty eventually faded from the scene. (He did have a short run as WWE tag champion with Sean Waltman.) After a brief, uneventful stint in WCW in 1998, Jannetty worked indies, his days as a major player over. He claims to have been near suicide about a year ago when Michaels called him for the first time in years. After their reconciliation, Jannetty cleaned himself up and got back in shape, perhaps envisioning a scenario in which he could return to WWE. That opportunity presented itself with the decision to go with Angle vs. Michaels at WrestleMania, wrestlers from the company’s two different “brands.” The company had to be a bit creative in the weeks leading up the WM bout, as you just can’t have Michaels and Angle continually jump each other on their respective TV shows. What better way to progress the feud a bit by having Jannetty return and do a job for Angle? I’m sure Michaels probably pushed for it as well. Let’s hope Jannetty makes the most of it this time around.

The official textbook of Funk U.: Terry Funk’s biography, scheduled to ship next week from Sports Publishing, L.L.C., is rumored to be nearly strong as Mick Foley’s bio, HAVE A NICE DAY. I’m told there are plenty of details of his feud with Jerry Lawler, which should make me happy.

The same publisher will be releasing Dusty Rhodes’ bio later this year. I wonder if Dusty will explain his reasoning behind dropping the NWA World title back to Harley Race via disqualification to end the Dream’s five-day title run. Big Dust was attacked by Funk prior to the start of the rematch, “breaking his arm.” Seems Harley couldn’t even pin a one-armed Dusty. Race regained the title when Rhodes tossed him after the top rope for a DQ; a pre-match stip called for the title to change hands if such an infraction occurred—how convenient.

Giant Gonzalez vs. The Undertaker is a mere click away: Those frustrated (like me) over the inability to order WWE’s 24/7 channel can find some solace in the company’s Jukebox, an online subscription service of past matches. (I’m hesitant to use the term “classic.” Even guys like Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell are featured.)

Although the quality isn’t even close to DVD-quality, you can’t beat it for $3.95 a month. There’s a pretty decent variety, with everything from the best of Shawn Michaels to old ECW footage. It’s been a nice way to pass some time during slow days at the Poop Shoot home office.

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