By Chris Ryall
Monday, July 4
TWILIGHT ZONE MARATHON -- 12 AM, Sci Fi
Actually, the marathon started even earlier, and runs until 4:30 AM tomorrow. And all are worth your time--you should just set the TiVo and let it fill up on old eps.
ELVIS MOVIES MARATHON -- 6 AM, TCM
You want five Elvis movies back-to-back as a way to celebrate having the entire day off? I'm not sure why you'd ask for such a thing, but here you go.
KING OF THE HILL MARATHON -- 7 AM, FX
I know many of you will be having days similar to thos show today, but if you want to see an animated family, since most animated families are funnier than real ones, here you go.
TOUR DE FRANCE -- 8 AM, OLN
It's Day 3 of the race, and I'm willing to bet the coverage looks almost identical to Days 1 and 2, as well as the days that follow.
EARTH, WIND & FIRE -- 8:30 AM, NBC
"Do you remember..." when EARTH, WIND & FIRE was a hot band? Well, in the eyes of the TODAY show, they still are.
JAMES BOND MOVIES MARATHON -- 9 AM, Spike
Bond seems to bring a bit too much class to Spike TV, actually, at least until the one where Denise Richards plays a nuclear scientist. That one seems right up Spike's alley.
HOT DOG EATING CONTEST -- 12 PM, ESPN
Yep, it's a sport, if it happens on the Fourth of July at Coney Island. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of fat people or tiny Asian guys cramming their gullets with packaged hog parts and nitrates.
YANKEE DOODLE DANDY -- 3 PM, TCM
For everyone who hears "Jimmy Cagney" and immediately thinks "dancing."
THE SURREAL LIFE MARATHON -- 4 PM, VH1
Over on Sci Fi, you get a marathon with good characters, clever dialogue, entertaining situations and food for thought. Here, you get the opposite of all of those things.
HAMBURGER AMERICA -- 8 PM, Sundance
Did you know they offer up deep-fried hanmurgers in Memphis? If you catch this show, you will... you'll also be glad for the fact that you can get basic burgers after seeing some of the crazy variations some areas offer.
MACY'S FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS -- 9 PM, NBC
Well, fireworks and Mariah Carey seem to me to be reason enough to avoid NBC for the night. And an hour from now, I'll be skipping CBS, too.
SIX FEET UNDER -- 9 PM, HBO
The only show too dour to celebrate a holiday is back new again tonight. Set your TiVo so you can get even more depressed with this final season. How is David now the most carefree Fisher?
BOSTON POPS FIREWORK SPECTACULAR -- 10 PM, CBS
Nothing like the televised fireworks, eh? Even more, nothing like fireworks accompanied by country music like Big and Rich or Gretchen Wilson, is there? Nothing like it... and many things better. Okay, NBC and CBS are out. Wonder if there's anything good on ABC?
AMERICAN CELEBRATION AT FORD'S THEATRE -- 10 PM, ABC
Hillary Duff, a couple AMERICAN IDOLS, Jeff Foxworthy... nope, nothing to see here, either.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Bill Moyer
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Lindsay Lohan, Jeremy Piven, Backstreet Boys
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Billy Idol (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Kristin Chenoweth
Tuesday, July 5
WATCH THE SKIES -- 7:30 PM, TCM
This talking heads show features folks like Spielberg and Cameron waxing poetic about their favorite sci fi flicks of yesterday. And hopefully others similarly rave for the contributions these two have made, too.
CELEBRITY WEDDINGS UNVEILED -- 8 PM, CBS
I suppose Rodney Peete and Holly Robinson count as celebrities,but it's not like they just got married recently. So why are we being subjected to archival footage under the guise of a new(ish) show?
HIT THE ROAD -- 8 PM, History
Debut! Bill Goldberg is hosting a new series that checks out advanced culture and technology across America. Sorry, Mississippi, you've got to sit this one out.
FIRE ME... PLEASE -- 9 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! It's the finale, where the big winner gets... fired? That doesn't sound right, really, but since I don't care in the least, it works for me.
EMPIRE -- 10 PM, ABC
ABC would like to apologize for not being able to bury this show any further than they already have. So never mind this mention of it and pretend it's not airing right now, the same was ABC is.
DEAD FAMOUS: GHOSTLY ENCOUNTERS -- 10 PM, Biography
A look at rumors of celebs like Jim Morrison appearing as ghosts? They could get better guest-stars if they just explored sightings of people whose careers were dead.
THE '70S HOUSE -- 10:30 PM, MTV
Debut! A bunch of 2005 kids have to live a '70s lifestyle to win a new car and other prizes. Can't wait for the challenge that requires them to listen to "Disco Duck" or wait in hours-long gas lines.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Ringo Starr
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Michael Clarke Duncan, Ringo Starr
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Russell Simmons, the Transplants
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jenny McCarthy
Wednesday, July 6
THE OLYMPICS HOST-CITY ELECTION -- 7:30 AM, CNN, Fox News, MSNBC
The big Singapore vote that matters to no one outside of thelocal governments in potential host cities Paris, London, Madrid, Moscow and NYC. I vote for New York, just to see the traffic crisis the whole thing causes (but really, I'm pulling for Moscow).
BORN INTO BROTHELS -- 7 PM, Cinemax
This documentary about brothels in Calcutta, like REAL SEX minus all of the gratuitous nudity, won some awards last year. If you watch, I promise not to make any "black hole of Calcutta" jokes.
BEAUTY AND THE GEEK -- 8 PM, WB
Season Finale! Will the king geek actually get any action? Will the beautiest beauty actually learn to read? And will they ever talk to each other again once the show's over?
DANCING WITH THE STARS -- 9 PM, ABC
Season Finale! The finale of the show that way too many of you have been watching. Don't worry, if you want more, you're soon to get pseudo-celebs on ice next.
CUTTING IT -- 9 PM, WE
Debut! Can't we just skip the importing of the obnoxious British comedies here now and go right to the watered-down American version?
TOM BROKAW REPORTS -- 10 PM, NBC
We've waited years for network television to air Deep Throat, and when they do, it's actually a 93-year-old male talking about his loose lips? It may be historical, but it ain't good to look at.
MIND OF MENCIA -- 10 PM, Comedy
Debut! Carlos Mencia does current-events comedy all while trying his best to be the next Comedy Central star who gets so popular that he needs time away in South Africa.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Dwight Yoakam
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Roseanne Barr, the smartest bird, Bo Bice featuring Richie Sambora
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Tim Roth, Maria Menounous
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Ozzy Osbourne
Thursday, July 7
BE COOL -- 5 PM, InDemand
I know the book wasn't one of Elmore Leonard's best, but it wasn't so bad that it deserved this terrible movie adaptation, either. Somehow this movie even made me like GET SHORTY a bit less.
WHITE CANE AND WHEELS -- 7:30 PM, Cinemax
A documentary about a man with muscular dystrophy and his impaired wife wins this week's prize for "Most Undeserving of Some Dumb Jokey," so I'll award it its prize, a mention and a free pass from dumb commentary.
BIG BROTHER -- 8 PM, CBS
Season Premiere! After five previous seasons, they should change up the format and make everybody live in a single-room apartment. That way, at least the drama would be real, and interesting, instead of contrived in the edit bay.
JOEY -- 8 PM, NBC
Yep, the repeats suck, too.
REIGN OF FIRE -- 8 PM, ABC
The naked bongo player who likes girls because "they stay the same age" teams up with BATMAN to fight dragons. Which really should have been the marketing campaign for this movie.
BEING BOBBY BROWN -- 10 PM, Bravo
Well, since none of us care about seeing Bobby and his oft-coked-up singin' wife, I now wonder, what celebrity family do we still have any interest in seeing in a reality show? Maybe the Schwarzenegger-Shrivers would make for a funny show... but this one sure doesn't.
X-MEN -- 10 PM, FX
Remember how some people were filled with fear about this movie before it opened, too? Maybe the FANTASTIC FOUR movie will be the same sort of "thing." I know, even I don't believe that, but I'm trying to be optimistic here.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Howard Dean
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jessica Alba,
Earvin "Magic" Johnson, Girls of "Zumanity.
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Jeremy Piven, Morgan Spurlock, Esthero
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Seth Green, Kaki King
Friday, July 8
STANKERVISION -- 6 PM PST, 9 PM EST, MTV2
Debut! I know all you Howard Stern fans have been asking the same question all year--"when will that obnoxious jackass Yucko the Clown get his own TV show?" Well, your patience pays off here tonight.
INTO THE WEST -- 8 PM, TNT
Rachel Leigh Cook made it to the episode dealing with the construction of the railroad, but Felicity didn't? Must've been that whole "born without the fear gene" thing that got Cook this far. Or the producers are afraid of her beating their kitchen with a frying pan, if you get that reference.
CAMP LAZIO -- 8 PM, Comedy
Debut! I know nothing about this cartoon other than the fact that it stars a monkey at scout camp. Which should be all you need.
POKER ROYALE: COMEDIANS VS. PROS -- 9 PM, GSN
Debut! Hey, Robert Wuhl, you finally found a way to get back on TV. Even better, this show considers you to be a "comedian." Congratulations!
ORIGINS -- 9:30 PM, PBS
Debut! This four-part series explores the history of the planet Earth and the origin of life. And also how life developed into something as ridiculous as producing a guy who does this inane column week in and week out.
MONK -- 10 PM, USA
Season Premiere! Wash up, MONK fans, because he's back. Also along for the ride again is John Turturro as Monk's brother, too.
The Late Show with David Letterman: TBD
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Owen Wilson, "Dancing with the Stars" winners, KEM
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: Magic Johnson
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: Jessica Alba
Saturday, July 9
TIME WARP TRIO -- 10:30 AM, Discovery Kids
Debut! This kids show just might end up accidentally teaching your young'uns a few things, even as it keeps them entertained by the time travel antics, too.
ZOEY 101 -- 7:30 PM, Nik
Debut! Just what TV needed, another Spears. Britney's littler and so far more innocent sister, Jamie Lynn stars as someone pining away for her own bad reality show. Look for a future SURREAL LIFE starring her, Ashley Simpson and Kevin Dillon as Johnny "Drama."
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA -- 8 PM, NBC
For all of you who've been curious about this show but never knew what channel Sci Fi was on your cable system, here's a small marathon of GALACTICA shows for ya.
WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY: THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE -- 8 PM, ABC
Is this Disney cartoon worth watching at all? If it tells you anything, it features voicework from David Spade. Which should clue you in that it's not, that's what I'm getting at.
CATSCRATCH -- 8 PM, Nick
Debut! Newman! Wayne Knight voices a cat here. But still, I'd rather catch him on old SEINFELD reruns. Or maybe his big scene in BASIC INSTINCT.
PUNK: ATTITUDE -- 10 PM, IFC
Finally, a fair, balanced look at punk rock. Which means you shouldn't expect to see SUM 41 or GOOD CHARLOTTE here.
ASK DR. BRADEN: AN AUTOPSY SPECIAL -- 10 PM, HBO
In the same way that REAL SEX can show naked people having sex and consider it a documentary, this show will show more cadavers and call it the same. Slap that "documentary" label on anything and you've got clear sailing, content-wise.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: ; Musical guest:
Sunday, July 10
THE PRINCES OF MALIBU -- 8:30 PM, Fox
Debut! There are about a hundred thousand other spoiled kids in Malibu who think they deserve this title more. I know these two are Bruce Jenner's kids, but I don't really think their appearance on this crass show will ever get them their own Wheaties box.
WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD -- 9 PM, ABC
Debut! Oops. Somehow ABC finally created a reality show worse than anything on even Fox, which is saying something. Sorry, all of you who wanted to see this race-baiting show. It was just cancelled. What do they call one crappy reality show that's been cancelled? "A good start."
THE SURREAL LIFE -- 9 PM, VH1
Season Premiere! Janice Dickinson, who not many people know or care about, is suddenly one of the better-known and liked people on this show, alongside Balki, model Caprice, Pepa, Omarosa, Jose Canseco and some dude who's been nailing Pink. And a three-legged dog. So far, I'm only pulling for the dog.
STRONG MEDICINE -- 9 PM, Lifetime
From NYPD BLUE to Lifetime? That's what Rick(y) Schroeder has done, joining a show first known for bringing back former mullethead Billy Ray Cyrus.
HOGAN KNOWS BEST -- 10 PM, VH1
Debut! Remember when the Hulkster had the fabricated image of a tough guy? Now the dude is solving celebrity feuds in US magazine and dragging his whole family in for a reality show that people will really only watch to see his kinda-hot daughter. Bring back Thunderlips!
ENTOURAGE -- 10 PM, HBO
Note that the show is now on an hour later than it was... also note that HBO is trying reallly hard to make "hug it out" this show's official catch-phrase. Don't force it guys. Besides, I prefer "it's anal sex night" over "hug it out," anyway.
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions are on Ritalin despite what the Scientologists recommend.
Chris Ryall
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