By Chris Ryall
Monday, June 27
SCHOLAR -- 8 PM, ABC
You know how college student films are usually interminable to sit through? Well, now you get reality show college student films tonight... best of luck to you all. Me, I just can't do that to my psyche.
THE SCIENCE OF LANCE ARMSTRONG -- 8 PM, Discovery
Well, it depends who you ask just what the "science" of Lance Armstrong really is. His fellow competitors seem to think that his science comes in a syringe, but that's just years of sour grapes, I think.
STAR WARS: EMPIRE OF DREAMS -- 8 PM, A&E
Here's a making of the original trilogy ("the earlier, funnier chapters," as Harrison Ford called them), since I think there might still be one more secret that you hadn't heard before. Well, probably not, actually, but I'm sure you want to hear the same stories again.
SAME SEX AMERICA -- 8 PM, Showtime
This documentary about the fight against same-sex marriage in Massachusettes was going to air on Bravo until they realized Bravo only wants their homosexuals to be broad and stereotypical.
NBA DRAFT PREVIEW -- 9 PM, ESPN2
Hey, Laker fans, did you ever think the day would come when you had to pay attention to such a thing? Clipper fans, sure, but not the Lakers.
HISTORY DETECTIVES -- 9 PM, PBS
Season Premiere! These educated dicks explore historical mysteries like whatever happened to Charles Lindbergh and Geronimo. It's like school, only you can change the channel whenever they start teaching you anything.
SIX FEET UNDER -- 9 PM, HBO
I know this show's not exactly known for being a laugh riot, but man, this season has made me yearn for the happier episodes, like when David got assaulted last season. Lighten up a little, guys.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Hanna Rosin
The Late Show with David Letterman: Sleater-Kinney
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Tom Cruise, Krispy Kreme burger chef, Toby Keith.
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Jeremy Piven
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Tuesday, June 28
NBA DRAFT -- 4:30 PM, ESPN
More fun than watching the NBA strike, but only just barely. I never quite get watching a draft in real time. Check back when it's over, take 5 minutes and see who everyone picked and move on. There--I've given you two hours of your night back.
AVERAGE JOE: THE JOES STRIKE BACK -- 8 PM, NBC
Season Premiere! Yeah, sure they do. I'd like to see a steel cage match between these dorks and the guys on BEAUTY AND THE GEEK. We'd be in for a boring fight, sure, but then the resulting online fighting would be insane.
BET AWARDS '05 -- 8 PM, BET
Jada Pinkett Smith can't make up her mind--she's co-hosting the show with her overly exuberant husband, but then she's back out on tour with OZZFEST, of all things.
EMPIRE -- 9 PM, ABC
Debut! I don't mean to dismiss this six-hour miniseries offhand, but come on--after the failures of TROY and ALEXANDER, do you really think people will care about seeing more sandals and swords in this look at the Roman empire? Me, neither.
TWIST OF FAITH -- 10 PM, HBO
How does one make a joke about a documentary about a guy still dealing with being molested by a Catholic priest? He doesn't--he also avoids Catholic churches, and he moves on to the next listing.
30 DAYS -- 10 PM, FX
A Christian guy goes to live with a Muslim family for 30 days. Well, I suppose it's got to be much easier than going to live with a Catholic priest...
MARTIAN MANIA -- 10 PM, Sci Fi
A look back at the Cruise-less take on Wells' novel, courtesy of another Welles, Orson, and his famed 1938 radio broadcast, as hosted by that guy that used to direct features before he started living in a bathyspher, James Cameron.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Morgan Spurlock
The Late Show with David Letterman: Julian McMahon
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Teri Hatcher, "Survivor" couple Rob and
Amber, Big and Rich featuring Cowboy Troy
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: TBD
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Wednesday, June 29
DAYS OF OUR LIVES -- 1 PM, NBC
I have to think that preaching to the housewives won't do too much for the cause, but regardless, Paul McCartney's wife shows up here to help further raise awareness about landmines.
THE EBAY EFFECT--INSIDE A WORLDWIDE OBSESSION -- 8 PM, CNBC
That's right, Dennis Miller, people would rather watch online auctions, or at least a show about same, than your talk show. I'm sure you'd have a good analogy for this phenomenon.
SUPERMAN -- 8 PM, A&E
If you want a preview of Bryan Singer's upcoming SUPERMAN LIVES movie, check this out, since he's going to be using extended footage of Marlon Brando as Jor-El in his flick, too. Or else just watch this because it's pretty great, either way.
WORLD POKER TOUR -- 8 PM, Travel
It's the World Championship Season III show, for those few of you who are still trying to keep up with the overabundance of poker shows on TV right now.
30 DAYS -- 10 PM, FX
Someone has to spend 30 days as a Muslim. Which lends itself to all kinds of offensive and stereotypical jokes or comments, but I'll opt for the PC route this time. This time.
NIGHTHAWKS -- 10 PM, AMC
Sure, it was early on in his career, but for those of you who think Sly Stallone's not a great actor and hasn't made a great movie, you really need to check this out. To quote co-star Rutger Hauer, "you go to a better life."
STELLA -- 10:30 PM, Comedy Central
Debut! Michael Ian Black takes time out from commenting on other shows and people to co-star in this new series about three jokester brothers. Based on their stage show, this should be pretty damn funny.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Will Ferrell (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Dakota Fanning
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Will Ferrell, George Lopez, Keith Urban
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Ringo Starr
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Thursday, June 30
BLOWIN' UP: FATTY KOO -- 9 PM, BET
I don't know... I'm so sick of Fatty Koo's song "Bounce" that's been played nonstop during the NBA playoffs that I hope they don't blow up much more than they already have.
BEING BOBBY BROWN -- 10 PM, Bravo
Debut! This reality show just might function for boy band members the same way the SCARED STRAIGHT video functioned for the rest of us... it's "my perogative" not to watch this whacked-out guy and his more whacked-out wife try to avoid future visits to the bail bondsman.
TOP GEAR -- 10 PM, Discovery
Debut! Some kick-ass cars, like a Lotus Exige, a BMW 6-Series and the Jaguar XKR, are reviewed here, and an Apache helicopter tries to get missle lock on the Lotus. Which just sounds cool, even it never actually fires the missles. But that would be cooler.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Kenneth Timmerman (R)
The Late Show with David Letterman: Jennifer Connelly
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Renee Zellweger, Dominic Monaghan, Lisa Marie Presley
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: (R)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Bryan Cranston
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Friday, July 1
CATS AND DOGS -- 8 PM, CBS
You know how some mistakes follow you around forever? Well, I just haven't been able to shake the sick feeling I have from knowing I paid money to see this awful, awful movie in the theater.
WE WERE SOLDIERS -- 8 PM, TNT
Meanwhile, we were wondering why you gave this movie such an unappealing title. If you're going to take your title from a famous expression, maybe you should use the entire expression.
DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION -- 8 Noggin
Season Premiere! When last we saw the cast of this show, they were still trying to deal with getting hit on by Jason Mewes. So how will things pick up this season...? (If I knew, I'd do more than ask open-ended questions.)
INSTANT STAR -- 9 PM, Noggin
Debut! This show, created by the creator of DEGRASSI HIGH, is like what happens after someone wins AMERICAN IDOL, only Canadian.
DINOCROC -- 9 PM, Sci Fi
Well, it's no MANSQUITO, but since this movie came out last year, I'll still compliment its tacky, excellent title. Any time you can give me a dinosaur crocodile, I'm in.
BOXING -- 9 PM, Showtime
Based on their nicknames, who would you take in a fight between Samuel "The Nigerian Nightmare" Peter vs. Taurus "The Bull Sykes? I'd go with Sammy, although when it comes to cool real first names, Taurus takes home the kewpie doll. Which makes this a close fight in my book.
ILL-USTRATED -- 12 AM, MTV2
After a long work week, what better way to head into the weekend than to check out the lunatic antics of Bob Cesca and company? Sure, there's also a good softcore movie on Cinemax, but this show's a close second.
The Late Show with David Letterman: Michael Chiklis
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Russell Crowe, Brady Barr, Nelly
The Jimmy Kimmel Show: TBD
Late Night with Conan O'Brien: TBD
The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Astronaut Leroy Chiao
Last Call with Carson Daly: TBD
Saturday, July 2
TOUR DE FRANCE -- 5:30 AM, Outdoor Life
Keep on riding, Lance, because the sooner this race, your final, is over, the sooner you're going to have to sit home and listen to Sheryl Crow music all day.
WIMBLEDON -- 6 AM, NBC
I expect all you tennis fans to be cordial when you bump into the cycling fans at the coffee shop this morning. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be sleeping in.
WORLD MATCH PLAY CHAMPIONSHIP -- 12 PM, CBS
CBS gets the consolation prize today, airing this LPGA tournament while the rest of the obsessed sports fans watch tennis or cycling.
TIME WARP TRIO -- 10:30 AM, NBC
Debut! Another animated show that will fade from your kids' consciousness before the last cereal commercial in the show has finished.
MONTY PYTHON'S VIEWER'S CHOICE WEEKEND -- 11 AM, BBC America
I'm counting on you, viewers, to make the right choices. Not that I really believe your choices are the ones determining which shows get aired.
PEPSI 400 -- 7 PM, NBC
The ironic thing is that not one person actually attending this Nascar race will be drinking anything as tame as Pepsi, unless it's been cut with a liberal dose of Jack Daniels.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- 11:30 PM, NBC
Host: ; Musical guest:
Sunday, July 3
THE DEAD ZONE -- 12 PM, USA
Nine of the show starring the kid from SIXTEEN CANDLES, years after his thyroid just exploded. Although, you know, I saw him at the Lucas event a couple weeks ago and he didn't look as freakishly large as he appeared next to Winona Ryder in EDWARD SCISSORHANDS.
ENTOURAGE -- 9 PM, HBO
I don't know if I have a more favorite character, and certainly he's got the best name of anyone on TV, than Johnny "Drama" on this show. They should make sure the guy doesn't become too much of a punching bag, but so far, Kevin Dillon is just great on the show. Where's your successful TV show, Matt?
All show times Pacific Standard Time and all opinions should spend 30 days being serious... but won't.
Chris Ryall
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