FELIX THE CAT SOFT VINYL FIGURE $19.99

I want to talk about vinyl again. I'm looking at the VINYL TOYS FAQ. I think this is the website of some vinyl toy lobbyists.

Here's this website's sale pitch for vinyl: "Vinyl – also called PVC or polyvinyl chloride – is a particularly durable and versatile type of plastic that is widely used not only in toys, but also in construction products, automotive accessories, electronics and medical goods like blood bags and IV systems."

So, that FELIX THE CAT? It's just like a blood bag. In a way, you're playing with a blood bag. You're playing with a blood bag's underage neice, essentially. Essentially, you're statuatorily raping a BLOOD BAG.

In Victorian days, a Shakespearean actor while a young boy would play Juliet, and when he became old, he'd play King Lear? In our era, while a boy, you play with vinyl toys, and when you're old, you get vinyl blood bags shoved into your decaying carcass while you wait to die. It’s just like KING LEAR -- that was the best part of Kurosawa's RAN anyway, when RAN MAN and Tom Cruise are travelling cross-country, and RAN MAN goes nuts if he doesn't watch Wopner with a vinyl Felix the Cat toy? Kurosawa was the MASTER, yo...

GROO ODYSSEY TP $12.95

JUDGE DREDD VS ALIENS INCUBUS #4 (OF 4) $2.99

Which one was the INCUBUS again? The SUCCUBUS was the girl demon that would want to SUCK you i.e. seduce you. So, the INCUBUS is the demon that wants to IN you? I.e. penetrate you? You know, that makes so much sense that it seems RIGHT. Hold on -- I must consult the Google.

Huh, I'm right. Google's provides not only a detailed explanation of the Incubus/Succubus distinction, but a gentleman who apparently "met one," as well.

"The topic I chose was Incubus/Succubus. I have been very interested in these, from the occult lore, known as demonic entities, which try to seduce humans. Since I have had an encounter with one myself, followed by one of my dearest friends that left her quite terrified, I have been reading up on this phenomenon."

I haven't "read up" -- how exactly does one deal with the Incubus/Succubus?

"But just telling them firmly to leave you alone might just do trick as well. At least it worked for me."

Huh: the pussy demon is a pussy.

Man, all this time we waste reading stupid-ass comic books -- we could be "reading up" on succubi. This -- hold on...

You know -- I'm doing some research: this guy's not alone. Quiet a few people seem to have met the old incubi: "Beware the Beautiful Sexpot Who Seems Too Good To Be True!" Or Moral Quicksand or God’s Provision for
Those Without Adequate Partners? Towards a Christian View
of Sexual Self-Stimulation has a more spiritual perspective. What Would Jesus Do to a Succubus, basically...

All of which leads me to one conclusion: I am going to the wrong goddamn bars. Come on, Satan. I'm a lawyer who lives in Los Angeles. What more does Satan possibly want? Make with the succubi already, lazy bitch-ass bitch!!! What Satan merit badge have I not gotten? Do I need to buy a BAD COMPANY album or something? Satan's like the tape bin at a gas station now. Satan's changed, man...

MIKE MIGNOLA HELLBOY SWEATSHIRT L $39.99
MIKE MIGNOLA HELLBOY SWEATSHIRT M $39.99
MIKE MIGNOLA HELLBOY SWEATSHIRT XL $39.99
MIKE MIGNOLA HELLBOY SWEATSHIRT XXL $39.99

STAR WARS A LONG TIME AGO VOL 6 WOOKIEE WORLD TP $29.95

SPOILER WARNING: When the Grisworlds get to Wookie World, it's closed, so then Chevy takes an AT-AT hostage and forces the AT-AT to take it on all the Wookie World rides. Hilarity ensues. Then, Rusty is eaten by a Tribble. Why? Rusty's "fatal flaw" -- what the National Lampoon people would call "hubris." You thought it was a coincidence that Rusty sorta-rhymes with Antigone? EUROPEAN VACATION's a complete Greek Tragedy rip-off.

I'm still sort of irrationally proud of how stupid that RAN MAN thing was. That movie'd been better if at the end, when RAN MAN's getting shot full of arrows, if he'd just screamed "WOPNER!!! Yeah, irrationally proud.

SUPER MANGA BLAST #32 (MR) $5.99

DC COMICS

The funny bit is where fans say “Get away from those horrible Marvel bastards; go to DC!!!” It’s fascinating to me how their minds work. Rich Johnston -- the story he reported on this week that got me going… this week, I’m not upset about the goddamn HUMAN TORCH. It’s this story:

“DC's new "Plastic Man" series by Kyle Baker will not, as Baker originally wished, be crediting Jack Cole as creator of the character. Because, sadly, they're under no legal obligation to doing so.”

Jack Cole was one of the great humor artists to work in comics, and he died a horrible, sad death. What a horrible little story. How horrible it is that no one gives a good goddamn. How horrible it is that other comic professionals don’t care -- why should I care about any of these people when they let stuff like this happen? Where’s the goddamn outcry?

Mark Evanier did a four-part series/obituary for Bob Kane and what credit meant for that era of guys, if you’re interested in the subject…

AMERICAN CENTURY #25 (MR) $2.75
BATGIRL #41 $2.50
BATMAN ADVENTURES #3 $2.25

BATMAN SUPERMAN WONDER WOMAN TRINITY #1 (Of 3) $6.95

This is some Matt Wagner book -- too rich for my blood, but Wagner’s interesting, isn’t he? In some ways, you’d think he’d be the model of current creators, the guy everyone was explicitely basing their careers after. He had two big alternative “personal” books, which he followed with a mix of personal and big-ticket mainstream projects like this one. At the same time, he has that thing with comic creators, where… he came up with GRENDEL and MAGE when he was, what, 24? And then…

That thing where they had their one idea, and “oh boy, it better have been a good one.” Some people don’t even get the one, though, I guess… Wagner, at least, had two. (There was that AERIALIST thing, but I don’t think anything came of that… am I remembering the name, right?)

Awww, shit, I’m grouchy all over again from the PLASTIC MAN thing…

BEWARE THE CREEPER #3 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95
BIRDS OF PREY #56 $2.50
HUMANS DEFENSE CORPS #2 (Of 6) $2.50
JLA SCARY MONSTERS #4 (Of 6) $2.50

JLA WELCOME TO THE WORKING WEEK $6.95

The Justice League has a case of the Monday's? Oh wait, Buying This: This is Patton Oswalt. Patton Oswalt is my favorite stand-up comedian right now. He acts in some TV show, too, I think, but I've just seen him live two or three times around Los Angeles (including this bizarre show at the Friar's Club). Oswalt's destroyed me everytime. I'm not sure that kind of stand-up style humor can really translate to comics, but I'm willing to find out. In other obscure stand-up ramblings, I was really happy they got Brian Posehn to do his Nerd Thing at the MTV Movie Awards; Posehn's funny.

I hope DC lets Oswalt swear.

LOEG THE ABSOLUTE ED VOL 1 OVERSIZED HC $75.00
LUCIFER #39 (MR) $2.50
NINJA BOY FADED DREAMS TP $14.95

OUTSIDERS #1 $2.50

Let's parse the solicitation because this is particularly bad solicitation copy for what otherwise might be a nice little superhero book (though the preview sure looks WORDY) (but its Judd Winnick and Tom Raney, so ... I'm not into it, but it could be worse). Anyway, look at this solicitation copy:

"A hot, edgy new super-team rises from the ashes of the events in THE TITANS/YOUNG JUSTICE: GRADUATION DAY!"

Here's a new comic based on another comic which I didn't read. Apparently, things didn't go well in the other comic because there were ashes. Maybe Firestorm cums ash, though, so maybe things went well for Firestorm. It’s terribly unclear. Apparently, it’s about a team that's hot and edgy though. I want to be hot and edgy; Maybe this comic will teach me how to be hot and edgy?

"What do you get when a barrel of fierce monkey warriors attack Manhattan? Mayhem!"

That sure sounds hot and edgy to me. Monkey warriors? Monkey Warriors attack Manhattan, and Chloe Sevigny's giving them a rusty trombone outside Joe's Pub within the first ten pages. That'd be both hot as well as edgy.

I like how they answered their own question. "What do you get when a barrel of fierce monkey warriors attack Manhattan?" Well, if the last attack on Manhattan’s any example, that just means Marvel gets to do another nine important "tribute" books, everyone shows off by pretending to have changed somehow, a couple crazy laws get passed, and we start bombing people based on made-up evidence. Sounds like a hoot.

"Nightwing and Arsenal must decide whether to continue with a team of heroes...and how to recruit them!"

Look at that exclamation mark. What is being exclaimed? That Nightwing and Arsenal must decide... HOW TO RECRUIT! After that, Nightwing and Arsenal must decide how to offer a comprehensive benefits package!!

It's not that RECRUITING's being exclaimed. It's that someone has to decide the process by which someone would go about recruiting. It's a purely bureacratic/administrative activity, superpower or no. There's simply nothing worth exclaiming therein, not for a purely logistical exercise.

Oh, it's the hot and edgy comic about monkey warriors.

God, they’re minutes away from announcing a new INFINITY, INC. What geezer ass did they eat the OUTSIDERS out of? I’m too young to remember the OUTSIDERS, Jesus! Oh, but they’re hot and edgy now, so now I’m too old. See, it’s just like when RAN MAN told his three daughters about how he was an excellent driver… oh, RAN MAN -- you’re all that cheers me up this week…

POWER COMPANY #17 $2.75
POWERPUFF GIRLS #39 $2.25
PROMETHEA #26 $2.95
ROBIN #115 $2.25
SLEEPER #6 (MR) $2.95
SUPERMAN METROPOLIS #5 (Of 12) $2.95
SUPERMAN PRESIDENT LEX TP $17.95
THUNDERCATS THE RETURN #5 (Of 5) $2.95
Y THE LAST MAN #12 (MR) $2.95

I literally just checked ahead in the list (which is sort of a no-no) to see if BLANKETS was coming out. It’s not. Awwww: I got a feeling about this week. After a year of these lists, I figured out that when I get a tinglin’ in my right knee, and my hound dog barks twice at me while I’m cleaning my bayonet, then it’s gonna be a shitty week at the comic store. I think I got that feeling this week. I gotta hunch. I got a hankerin’? That and you know… I checked ahead.

It’s the week of the Ides of June (the 15th). That’s why. Julius Caesar died on the Ides of March. Maybe the same principal applies here. Let me check an old TITLE BOUT. In Caesar’s honor, let’s check the week of the Ides of March, the March 19 TITLE BOUT:

It was a slow week in comic news apparently. I was, as you’ll recall, devastatingly funny/handsome that week. That was the week Mike Baron and I were supposed to have a steel cage match, winner takes all? The #1 movie in theatres was MOTHER JUGGS AND SPEED, and Rupert Holmes’s ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG) was rockin’ the airwaves.

That was the week the FIRST issue of that Dark Horse INCUBUS shit came out -- I made a Don Knotts joke that time. Shit, Don Knotts didn’t even occur to me this time. I managed to score twice off that stupid ass comic? Huh…

Comicwise, a good Garth Ennis war comic came out, as well as the #0 issue of my fighting junk-robot comic of choice, ROTOGIN JUNKBOTZ. And… an issue of X-MEN came out… so…

The Ides of March basically sucked!

I think I’m onto something. What about the Ides of… October. Just picking a month at random. October’s a SCARY month, right? Halloween? What came out? Oooh, no way to tell because that was one of the weeks we lost to the hacker attack!!! Shit, October’s scary, dude… oooooooh….

Let me find an Ides, hold on -- January 15, 2003 -- exactly on an Ide: Well, MEK #3 came out, so we’re not off to a great start, here. Not a great week overall, though the first Jason Alexander QUEEN AND COUNTRY came out, so one or two exceptions. But hardly a great week.

My conclusion?

BEWARE THE IDES!!!!!!

Between Ran Man and this thrilling Ides analysis, I’m all SHAKESPEARIAN this week. Call Miramax: SHAKESPEARE IN NERD is Oscar GOLD!!!!

IMAGE

GI JOE FRONTLINE VOL 1 MISSION THAT NEVER WAS TP $14.95

MISSION THAT NEVER WAS sounds like it should have been the name of WARRANT's concept album.

MAGDALENA VAMPIRELLA $2.99
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE ICONS OF EVIL BEAST MAN #1 $4.95

SAVAGE DRAGON VOL 8 THIS SAVAGE WORLD TP $15.95

THIS SAVAGE WORLD should have been the name of POISON's concept album.

VICTORY CRUZ CVR #1 $2.95

VICTORY FRANCISCO CVR #1 $2.95

Irony: VICTORY's not a great title for a comic book, but I think VICTORY FRANCISCO would be. I think Victory Francisco could beat V.I. Warshawski's scrawny ass.

Wasn't there a Kurt Busiek-Keith Giffen Kirbyverse title named VICTORY? I remember liking that one.

WITCHBLADE #65 $2.99

MARVEL

First off, the Comics Journal’s JOURNALISTA blog recently ran an excellent five-part series on the challenges Marvel’s facing shifting their business to a bookstore model. It’s definitely worth the look. Last week, the thing that was on my mind was whether Marvel could flood bookstores that don’t know any better and knock out smaller publishers; the article makes a persuasive case that it won’t be so easy. I’m still not sure, but if you really want to understand what’s going on in comics right now, Big Picture, it tries to put forward a decent sized piece…

But back to the nerd riot…

Shit, man, this story’s so pathetic:

I did a quick search on Newsarama and Pulse fanboy boards; one rather significant word didn't pop up by ANYONE discussing this story: EMPIRE.

Not a SINGLE goddamn mention by anybody.

Next week, a Mark Waid comic is scheduled to come out called EMPIRE. It used to come out from IMAGE. It got great reviews. It came out from Image, then it stopped. I think some of that was Waid's move to CrossGen, but ... I'd have to think some were "market conditions." Market conditions is comic talk for "these same whiny fans don't like to buy anything that wasn't created by artists Marvel royally fucked in the 1960s. They hate new stuff."

I quoted someone above talking about how Marvel’s hurting Jack Kirby’s legacy. HILARIOUS. A legacy is something Kirby could leave royalties for to his kids. His kids ain’t seeing shit. Kirby made up those characters (with Stan Lee -- let’s not get into that). Waid was just trying to rob his grave, and Marvel decided that instead of one graverobber they wanted another. It’s all too pathetic to be funny. Who cares?

"How dare they fuck Waid on the book they fucked Kirby on???" ... wait, that actually sounds like a valid complaint, in some sort of way, doesn't it? Like, for me personally, as not much of a Waid fan, that's actually a VERY valid complaint, like... "They should be fucking Paul Pope on it, not second-rate talent like Waid!!" Ha!

These people, they're not mad something happened to Mark Waid. They're just mad something happened to the Fantastic Four.

And that to me is a crucial distinction. The former seems an essentially a human concern, the latter essentially inhuman.

This Newsarama/Pulse crowd responsible for the loudest screaming? It’s a tiny, tiny non-representative slice of comic fans. It’s essentially the older comic fans, who feel left out. They’re still complaining about the ULTIMATE books! i.e. the #3rd, 4th, 5th, and 9th best-selling comics in the country? These are old-timers who feel left out, and this has incited old timer rage…

If it wasn’t Mark Waid, something would have reminded these guys of how MATLOCK got cancelled, and that would’ve set them off. They were just a powder keg waiting to go off. An old, wrinkly powder keg. A powder keg that should be checked regularly for prostate cancer. Maybe the powder keg goes off when the doctor shoves the finger in its ass? Aging process is scary for all of us, but especially powder kegs… If powder kegs have rectums, what keeps the powder from falling out of the asshole? Are we assuming that powder kegs have full-scale sphincter muscles, too? This whole powder keg analogy’s gotten a little too far-fetched for my tastes.

But yeah, no one thought to mention Empire. Hell, for some reason, even Waid doesn't mention he had his own comic coming out next week, which... Jesus, learn to fucking self-promote! The amount of hits that news story got? He should be kicking his own ass, and when he kicks himself, he should be kicking his own head, too, because his head's in his ass, so he should therefore simultaneously be kicking both head and ass, while eating his own ass, which would be difficult, anatomically, but in some circumstances, nonetheless warranted! YEAH! (Why is it we have a phrase "rusty trumbone" in the English language, and yet I can think of no phrase for the head-ass-kick maneuver I schematize herein?)

He could've turned it into some sort of Anti-Marvel referendum, and profited accordingly. Usually, most comic creators? A little too good at self-promotion. And then I end up with TOKYO STORM WARNING in my apartment, you know, god help me?
Waid, on the other hand…

(Let alone anyone mentioning TELLOS, FF artist Mike Weiringo’s nice little fantasy comic, which also suffered from a lack of interest from this exact same type of comic fan… That’s who I like in all this, is Weiringo -- I like how he draws…)

I don’t think Waid could’ve expected the FUROR, but -- why’s he even saying anything anyway? He’s not some kid like that manga kid Marvel messed with a few months back (EDEN something?). That guy was obviously some kid who didn’t know better. Waid’s been around -- he knows how to keep his mouth shut. He must’ve expected SOME reaction. Chalk some up to being upset over losing a gig, I guess, especially so arbitrarily and for such little good reason, but … you’re really not supposed to talk about what’s happening to a book after you leave a comic. It’s not his fucking comic; it’s none of his goddamn business.

(And how many times can you leave a book based on “Editorial interference” before you just become plain ol’ difficult? I don’t think Waid’s at that point, but… sort of an interesting academic question).

But, what, I want to defend Marvel? It’s their characters, they can do whatever they want, but … I’m just not fond of the crazy editorial whim. Buying a comic is essentially an act of trust. Serial storytelling? It’s all about trust. You can’t trust crazy editorial whim.

It’s just not… it’s not funny to me. It’s just pathetic. It’s not even pathetic funny. Those ads for that AMERICAN IDOL movie? FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, I believe it’s called? Pathetic funny. The Spike Lee-Spike TV lawsuit? Pathetic funny. This? Just pathetic-sad. So why did I spend that long talking about it in a humor column?

See, it radiates pathetic-sad. I became pathetic-sad just by my mere contact with it. It’s like comics’s version of a highly infectious skin condition. I know I’ve said that before about Mike Baron, but… (CAGE MATCH, BARON!!! YOU WILL EXPERIENCE A NEXUS OF PAIN!!!! WINNER TAKES ALL!) (I think I read that Baron’s starting to get work again; nice news… why doesn’t the nice news ever crash the internet? [Ed. Note: because it’s only on that KISS comic])

CAPTAIN MARVEL #11 $2.99
CREW #2 $2.50

DAREDEVIL #48 $2.99

I hope they don’t screw up Bendis-Maleev’s DAREDEVIL run. I like their DAREDEVIL run. Everything’s suspect now. It’s like that board game CLUE. Quesada’s in the hallway with a knife about to have Chuck Austen write an all stump-porn THOR.

MARVEL MASTERWORKS SILVER SURFER VOL 1 2ND ED HC $49.99
MARVEL MASTERWORKS SILVER SURFER VOL 1 HC VAR DUST JACKET $54.99

NEW MUTANTS #2 $2.50
SENTINEL #3 $2.50
SPIDER-MAN & WOLVERINE #1 (Of 4) $2.99

THOR #65 $2.99

Stump porn, Quasten? THOR SAYS STUMP PORN NAY!!!!

If there’s one thing I enjoy about the Newsarama/Pulse people, it’s reading 40-year-old fathers of four referring to two people by jamming their names together. They take Quesada and Jemas and, in order to be witty, they call them Quemas. It’s funny, but unintentionally funny. I just want to do that with everything now, though…

THUNDERBOLTS #80 (Note Price) $2.25

Quenderbolts? Hmmm, no, the Quenderbolts sounds like their daughter should be having her debutante ball soon, followed by a coke binge with the Hilton sisters. Muffy Quenderbolt sounds like she’d give some monkeys invading Manhatten a hell of a rusty trombone outside Joe’s Pub, Chloe Sevigny-style.

ThunderBass doesn’t sound so bad though, but… obviously, it sounds like a fish. A fancy, rare fish that only the Muffy Qunderbolt’s of this world can afford to eat.

Fucking Marvel…

TRUTH RED WHITE BLACK #6 (Of 7) (RES) $3.50

Do I have Rupert Holmes’s ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG) on my computer? Yes. Yes, I do. Am I proud? No. No I’m not. The most pathetic-sad part? I don’t really like getting caught in the rain. And I don’t want to make love on the dunes in the cape. Sounds like sand would get everywhere. Pathetic? Pathetic-sad? No, and here’s why: when I lay the unholy smack down on Mike Baron, cage-style, all doubt as to the macho will be dispelled, believe you me.

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN VOL 6 VENOM TP $15.99
UNCANNY X-MEN #426 $2.25
VENOM #2 $2.25
WAR MACHINE 2.0 #1 (Of 3) (MR) $2.99
WOLVERINE #2 $2.25
X-TREME X-MEN VOL 4 MEKANIX TP $16.99

WIZARD

COMICS

AVATAR, who apparently is entering the porn business (this column came a year too early, I guess)? Anyway, AVATAR put out a nice collection for an infamous Alan Moore essay on writing. I think it came out last week. EPIC types might want to give it a look.

ALLEY OOP 1949-1950 #4 TP $25.00
ARCHIE #537 $2.19
ARCHIE DIGEST #199 $2.39
BIG BAD BOOK OF BART SIMPSON TP $12.95
BIG O PART 4 #4 (Of 4) $3.50
BIG O VOL 1 TP 2ND ED $9.95
BIG O VOL 3 TP (Note Price) $9.95
BIZARRE COMIX #6 (A) $14.95
BLANCHE THE BABY KILLER #0 (MR) $4.95
BONDERS #3 (A) $9.95

CLASSIC ILLUS JR #519 PAUL BUNYAN $3.99
CLASSIC ILLUS JR #546 ELVES AND SHOEMAKER $3.99
CLASSIC ILLUS JR #570 PEARL PRINCESS $3.99

CLASSICS ILLUSTRATED: THE PEARL NECKLACE.

Which one was the Pearl Princess? Let me consult the Goog. Okay: The Pearl Princess is a FAIRY TALE ON THE VALUE OF SALT. It’s featured on the SALT INSTITUTE webpage.

This isn’t a classic. It’s a lobbying effort by a salt concern. Shame on you, CLASSICS ILLUSTRATED JUNIOR. For shame. Did you learn nothing from Marvel-Waid this week? I’m trying to read this fairy tale, but the first line is literally ”Once upon a time, there lived a woman on the top of a mountain that lived in a cottage and had geese.” If your grandpa ever tried to tell you a story that had that as a first sentence, you have my permission to kick him in the ass. Unless your grandpa is a powder keg, at which point, your kick might make him explode, it might be better to keep a safe distance.

That sentence just makes my eyelids go all heavy. That and the fact I’m sleepy now.

COMICULTURE #2 (RES) (MR) $6.95
CROSSOVERS #6 $2.95
CRUX #27 $2.95
CUDA GOLD FOIL ED #0 (MR) $7.95
CVO COVERT VAMPIRIC OPERATIONS (MR) $5.99
DF BATMAN HUSH HC SGN $69.99
DFE DARKNESS PRELUDE GOLD FOIL CVR #1 $29.99
DFE TOMB RAIDER SCARFACES TREASURE B&W ED #1 $14.95
DFE WITCHBLADE GOLD FOIL CVR #63 $14.99

EXPLOITATION NOW TP (MR) $19.95

Good title. This might be one of those titles that just write ass its checks can’t cash? Wait, no, that’s not the expression. Write checks its ass can’t cash? Is that right? Why is your ass trying to cash a check? What does an ass need with legal tender? Also, if the ass is part of the powder keg, isn’t there a danger it’ll use that money from the checks on a deadly, deadly prostate exam? I say don’t even risk it. Stupid-ass expression. Probably came form that PEARL PRINCESS story. Stupid-ass story. Can I sleep yet?

FIREFIGHTER DAIGO OF FIRE COMPANY M VOL 1 GN 2ND ED $9.95
FIREFIGHTER DAIGO OF FIRE COMPANY M VOL 3 $9.95
FIVE STAR STORIES ENG LANG MANGA #10 $9.98
FIVE STAR STORIES ENG LANG MANGA #9 $9.98
FORTY WINKS PIRATE QUEEN COLLECTORS PACK $7.00
GLOOM COOKIE #16 (MR) $2.95

HIP FLASK UNNATURAL SELECTION (O/A) $2.99

This is pretty. Very pretty Ladronn art. Bad, though. Story’s all nonsense, bad script, but it is pretty enough you don’t care.

HONOUR AMONG PUNKS TP (MR) $19.95

HUNTER X HUNTER ANIME ART BOOK $15.99

For Fans of Yu Yu Hakusho, or however it’s spelled, on CARTOON NETWORK and in SHONEN JUMP, this is the follow-up series by the same creator. I think it’s supposed to be more popular.

JAMES KOCHALKAS SKETCHBOOK DIARIES VOL 1 CURR PTG $7.95
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE #80 $3.99
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE ILLUSTRATED #23 $2.99

LUSCIOUS COLLECTED ART OF AL RIO HC (O/A) (MR) $29.95

Al Rio called the book of his collected art… he called it LUSCIOUS? LUSCIOUS is such a stripper name. Did he name his collected art book after a stripper, maybe? Rio was an artist similar to J.Scott Campbell over at Wildstorm, I think. Which -- I wouldn’t call that style LUSCIOUS. It’s… it’s an interesting choice of titles.

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE #1 GRAHAM CRACKERS EX $6.99
MASTERS OF UNIVERSE #1 GRAHAM CRACKERS EX GOLD FOIL ED $9.99
NEOTOPIA #5 $3.95
PETER & THE WOLF (STAR07957) $15.95
RAIJIN COMICS #27 (MR) $4.95
RAPTURE #4 (MR) $2.75
REBOUND VOL 2 GN (Of 10) $9.99

RED STAR VOL 2 #2 $2.95

They’re making this and 100 BULLETS into video games. I think that’s great news. Though adaptations are usually notoriously bad video games, I sure would love to play a good 100 BULLETS game. Same for RED STAR. I think this is actually significant news in a way, and if my eyes weren’t half-closed, I’d explain what that way was.

ROUTE 666 #13 $2.95
SCION #37 $2.95

SCURVY DOGS #1 $2.95

Pirate comic or fruit-deprived funny animal comic? Is this that comic by -- there was this interview Larry Young, ASTRONAUTS IN TROUBLE publisher guy, did with his, like, some sort of henchman basically? The henchman was doing a pirate comic, I think. I just remember it because it was sort of a strange interview. Book looked funny. I might pick that up, I guess, if this is that. I guess I don’t really know anything about it though… Pirates are funny. I know that. And not pathetic funny, or pathetic sad, just funny-funny. There’s so many subtle differences. It’s like 31 FLAVO -- oh my god, the Dynamic Forces guy was right!

SHADES OF BLUE THE NEW SERIES #2 $2.95
SHI ILLUSTRATED WARRIOR RUBY FOIL ED #4 $24.95
SHI ILLUSTRATED WARRIOR TOMOE STRIKES CVR #4 $5.95
SIDEKICKS SUPER SUMMER FUN SPECIAL ONE SHOT $2.99
SIMPSONS COMICS #83 $2.50
SNAPDRAGONS #3 $2.99
SNOWMAN CHROMIUM ED #3 $9.95
SOLUS #4 $2.95
SPECTER 7 #3 (Of 3) $4.95

SPIRIT OF THE AMAZON #2 (RES) (MR) $2.95

This is interesting. I haven’t seen the comic, but I felt like putting the title into the Goog just because… well, just because I had gone down far enough where I felt compelled to comment? Lot of dead air? I fear uncomfortable silence? Anyway, this comic was the #2 best-selling comic in Brazil, apparently, behind only X-Men. What’s it about? Aliens hate the bad side of capitalism. It’s the Green Party meets INDEPENDENCE DAY. Very high concept…

STEAM DETECTIVES VOL 6 TP $12.95
SUPREME THE STORY OF THE YEAR PX LEATHER BOUND ED $75.00
TOO MUCH HOPELESS SAVAGES #1 (Of 4) $2.99

TOP SHELF ASKS THE BIG QUESTION (MR) $24.95

Ouch. This is a big TOP SHELF anthology -- their anthologies are … interesting. The highlights can be very high -- Craig Thompson, for instance, whose BLANKETS I’m waiting for, appeared in a TOP SHELF anthology before GOODBYE CHUNKY RICE. But like any anthology, not everything in those anthologies was for me.

On the other hand, I think this anthology’s the one that features some Alan Moore comics that DC was unwilling to publish. One of the COBWEB strips he did for that TOMMOROW book got a bit “Racy.” Christ, looking at Top Shelf’s website, this features Chris Ware (doing a Charles Schulz tribute), Seth, James Strum… James Kochalka, Matt Madden…

This is the comic to get this week, probably. This seems like a particularly impressive collection of alternative comics talent.

TWO OVER TEN #1-5 SET $14.95
VAMPI OMEGA #1 PROTOTYPE ED $4.95
VAMPIRELLA #21 LTD CVR ED $9.95
VAMPIRELLA #21 LTD MODEL PHOTO ED $9.95
VAMPIRELLA #21 REG ED $2.99
VERONICA #141 $2.19
VIC & BLOOD TP (MR) $17.95
WARHAMMER MONTHLY #69 $3.50
WARREN ELLIS SCARS #6 (Of 6) (MR) $3.50
WARREN ELLIS SCARS WRAPAROUND CVR #6 (Of 6) (MR) $3.95
WHATS RIGHT VOL 1 TP (MR) $16.95
WHATS WRONG VOL 1 TP (A) $16.95
WORLD OF DARKNESS COMPENDIUM VOL 1 BOOKPLATE ED (MR) PI
XIN JOURNEY OF THE MONKEY KING #1 GOLD FOIL EDITION $29.95
XIN JOURNEY OF THE MONKEY KING #1 ROYAL BLUE ED $59.95

CONCLUSION:

See, I’m actually pretty calm this week. I’d dreamt that my last month would be pretty solidly okay, but this week… not so good. But I feel okay: it’s the IDES OF JUNE! Only horrible bad-ness descends onto comics (and accordingly this column) on the Ides.

Things went pretty well considering I was CURSED from the outset. See: as soon as you just change your perspective on the whole thing...

Well, one more week to go. Do I have anything exciting planned? Special guest stars? An exciting “Look Back” on TITLE BOUT? A memorable, teary farewell? Bette Midler singing to me? Me waking up in bed with Bob Newhart? (Fingers crossed) A BEHIND THE MUSIC look at what was going on behind the scenes of TITLE BOUT -- the drugs, the groupies, the manager who stole all my money, my problems with the IRS? A thrilling, mind-bogglingly stupid last TITLE BOUT?

Nah. I was just going to hope I could think up a good SHE HULK pun. Dude, that Bette Midler idea doesn’t sound so bad, does it? See, I’d get her to sing for me in the final TITLE BOUT, and then, just when she’s all “Hey, I sure am Bette Midler”-y, I’d punch her lights out for all those goddamn times I had to listen to the goddamn “WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.”

That was all time that took me away from my precious, precious RUPERT HOLMES CDs after all.

See, because he takes out a personal ad to cheat on his “lady” but then his “lady” answers the personal ad, thereby revealing their lack of communication and how their lack of communication was preventing them from attaining true intimacy.

See, if only Mark Waid could take out a personal ad, and Marvel or a corporate representative thereof (hereinafter “his lady”) could answer it… I bet Mark Waid likes pina coladas, as well as long walks in the rain. Marvel? The ball is in your court.

Mark Waid fun-fact: When news first got to me that this site was being created, and the idea of doing this column was getting thrown together, it occurred fairly early that I had a very simple goal: I wanted to be denounced. I knew I couldn’t do a positive column about comics, so I thought to myself that I’d want to at least raise the bar on negativity. But then I was sitting there thinking “Damn, who could denounce me?”

And if you go back to the early e-mails, I eventually settled on “I want to get denounced by Mark Waid!” Looking back, I don’t even remember the reasons. No particular animosity towards Waid, per se. He’s better than many of his contemporaries; not nearly as good as others. Probably a nice guy. I don’t know -- just settled on Waid.

Now? Shit, man, I’d settle for the guy who does FUNKY WINKERBEAN to call me “cunty.”

Pathetic-sad? Pathetic-sad, man’s hopes slowly deteriorating until he settles for potshots from FUNKY WINKERBEAN? No, and here’s why: The WINK just doesn’t hand that shit out to just anybody.

NEXT WEEK ON TITLE BOUT: Tick… Tick… Tick….

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