By A.K.
March 5, 2003
INTRODUCTION
Anyone want to talk about, you know, superheroes homoerotically punching each other or funnybook characters making with the ha-ha? How about all those great alternative books and the way they’re all about sad, ugly people? Who doesn’t love sad, ugly people?
That or we could talk about this lady and her online police report. Who is she? I have no fucking clue, but apparently, she was charged with multiple counts of battery on law enforcement officers. Like Rodney King, only the other way, and also, a white girl instead of a black dude. What does she have to do with comics? I have no fucking clue.
But I’m scanning through the comic news today because I have NOTHING to talk about. The most exciting thing in my life right now is I discovered what the best part of the chicken is: The gizzard. What’s the gizzard? I have no fucking clue. But chicken gizzard’s good eats, I’ll tell you what.
Anyway, I come across a story about FUTURE COMICS, where 1989 is King. FUTURE COMICS is this comic company by all these comic book old-timers. If you were reading, like, IRON MAN in 1989, these were the guys you’d be reading. Guys like Bob Layton, Dick Giordiano, Winston Churchill, Dave Michelinie, Bob Dole, that guy who invented the jitterbug, Abraham, who begat Ezekial, and lo, Ezekial begat, you know, a Stegasaurus. Old guys, basically. But they’re giving it another shot.
Apparently last week, Future Comics got burglarized. And I look underneath the news story to the message board area where people comment on the news. Where I find a link to this foxy-boxer lady whose fond of attacking cops? According to her charge report she is a Future Comics employee, 26 years old, and 140 pounds.
The fuck am I looking at this?!? Someone thought this was something comic fans should talk about.
Elsewhere in comics, there’s poor, poor Spanish Marvel artist Salvador Larocca, who doesn’t even speak English. The man barely can put a sentence together. Does that stop comic fans on the Internet? No- they found him talking on a SPANISH WEBSITE, translated what he was saying from Spanish to English, and got him into trouble.
He found out Bill Jemas is writing another comic book. And he had the same reaction as every single one of us: “OH GOD, NO!” Only it was in Spanish, so it was like, “AH DIOS, NO!” He basically felt pressured to accept a job drawing this godawful NAMOR, THE SUB-MARINER comic Jemas is going to put out. And next thing you know, it’s this big story about how Marvel artists are forced to breath the same oxygen as that awful, awful Jemas man. And he has to issue a press release in English, a language he doesn’t speak, to try to settle down the rabid fans. Here’s an excerpt from the poor bastard’s press release.
“THAT’S THE TRUE, AND I WOULD LIKE STOPPING THIS.”
Let me translate that: CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? Rodney King!!!
“That’s the true, and I would like stopping this”? Doesn’t that make you feel just SAD? I kept expecting him to go, “PLEASE LET MY DAUGHTER GO, MR. JEMAS. YES, YES, I DRAW THE BAD WRITING. YOU BAD WRITE ALL YOU WANT. NOT THE EYES!! NOT THE EYES!!” I feel so bad for the guy. This isn’t some guy making an ass of himself loudly. This isn’t the CrossGen guy at MegaCon, for chrissakes (more on that later). They translated what he was saying from SPANISH! Why? I have no fucking clue. And now he has to apologize? Sad!
What was wrong with talking about the alternative comics about the sad, ugly people? Sometimes the sad, ugly people realize how truly sad they are, or make fun of people uglier than them. And then they get a Harvey Award or maybe a hit movie at Sundance. Or, why not argue, hypothetically speaking, who would prove victorious should the Hulk fight, I don’t know, someone similarly strong and of low intelligence? Let’s say, for argument’s sake, Thor.
You know what kills me lately are the fans analyzing sales charts. Not actual employees of any company. Comic book fans- instead of reading about comics or talking about comics, they…they analyze sales charts. Let me just skip ahead to save time: Why? I have no fucking clue. Oh, yeah, apparently sales are bad. Thanks for that help on the mathematics there, Archimedes. Sales are bad! Who knew??
Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: March 5
The following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for
availability.
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
DARK HORSE
NOV020040 BPRD BASEBALL HAT $17.99
How many of these hats do you think are going to wind up in the middle of a baseball game? And not a SONY PLAYSTATION baseball game, either…a real, live baseball game, with overhand pitches and everything. And- you know, I’m really distracted, but man, I’m in the mood for pie. I’m pretty sure MARIE CALLENDAR’S is closed. Here’s the thing, though: I just went to their website, and they have a page just DESCRIBING their pies. And that page divides into five separate pie-related subpages. For instance, here’s an excerpt from TRADITIONAL PIES: “Apple: Tart sliced apples, sweetened and lightly-spiced with cinnamon.” Is there a recipe? Hmmm, no- they just want to let people know what an apple pie is, in case there was any question in anyone’s mind.
Hmm, there’s HOUSE OF PIES in Los Feliz, I guess, but that’s pretty far from my new place. Or SWINGERS, but do I want the whole out-of-work-hipster-actor-on-heroin experience from the waiters? I ordered an ostrich burger the other day, and the girl on heroin waiting on me brought me a tuna sandwich, which- it was a good tuna sandwich, but how… how do you confuse… heroin, man… heroin’s not good for you, at least when it comes to waiting tables…
So then the question becomes, how much do I really want pie? What would Hellboy and the rest of the BPRD do? I’ve never seen him eat a pie in his comics, so I think he’d hold off on the pie. But do I really want to get culinary advice from something calling itself a HELLBOY? Moreover, Hellboy is fictional, and what fictional character is really fully developed enough to understand this dilemma? Would a sad, ugly person from an alternative comic have any advice? I think one of the GHOST WORLD girls would go and get the pie. But then Enid’d think the pie represented her lost childhood. I don’t want to eat my lost childhood. I just wanted tart sliced apples, sweetened and lightly spiced with cinnamon, not some sort of existential sad/ugly girl theatre of the mind. I had my fill of existential sad/ugly girl theatre of the mind, thank you. Pie, on the other hand, I’ve clearly not had my fill.
Hmmm, should I go get some pie? To be continued…
JAN030064 DEVILS FOOTPRINTS #1 (Of 4) $2.99
This is some Dark Horse horror comic apparently. Sounds interesting, but I don’t know anything about it. I know the name of the artist though, Paul Lee? Let’s see- oh, he did FUSED with Steve Niles, that armor robot thing. He’s not bad. What is this? I don’t know what any of these books are this week. My pie-deficiency’s fucking up my concentration, man.
SEP020086 DH DLX STATIONERY EXOTIQUE TONY MILLIONAIRE SOCK MONKEY $4.99
I wasn’t going to get this at first because I thought it was only EXOTIC, merely EXOTIC, but no- it’s actually EXOTIQUE. That’s my favorite stripper name, so how can I resist…
DEC020017 FORT PROPHET OF THE UNEXPLAINED TP $9.95
If someone were a prophet of the unexplained, and they could see into the future, see the unexplained thing happening, why couldn’t they see the explanation, too so that it’s not unexplained but, in fact, explained? And if there’s no answer to that question, then doesn’t that itself become UNEXPLAINED? And if that’s unexplained, why didn’t this Fort person foresee that it’d be unexplained that he’d be unable to explain the unexplained? And if that’s unexplained, why didn’t he foresee that it’d be unexplained that he didn’t foresee that it’d be unexplained that he’d be unable to explain the unexplained? So in conclusion, I’m not buying this. I just can’t handle that sort of stress right now. Between that and the pie, how would I sleep?
NOV020023 KISS REDISCOVERY TP $10.95
Is there such a word as UNDISCOVERY?
DEC020049 MAAKIES BIRD WITH BRAIN TAN T/S L $17.99
DEC020048 MAAKIES BIRD WITH BRAIN TAN T/S M $17.99
DEC020050 MAAKIES BIRD WITH BRAIN TAN T/S XL $17.99
DEC020051 MAAKIES BIRD WITH BRAIN TAN T/S XXL $19.99
Brain Tan sounds like some sort of George Hamilton wet dream.
Holy shit… you know, I just looked up George Hamilton on Google, to make sure I was thinking of the right guy, and I came across a 5 page essay on the glory of George Hamilton smoking cigars. Which- I have no fucking clue. Here’s the last paragraph of this essay:
”Yes, Hamilton does have the perfect tan. And no, he has not led the perfect life. But he has learned much from the hand that life has dealt him. Hamilton's world has come full circle. And as a society, we have finally caught up to that classic, elegant and timeless place on the circle where George Hamilton has always been.”
As a…as a society we’ve caught up with George Hamilton? WHAT THE FUCK? Is that why we’re about to go to war with Iraq? I didn’t think we had a reason, but I think, and I don’t have any 12-year old intelligence reports plagiarized from graduate students to back me up on this like Colin Powell does, but… I think George Hamilton is jealous of Saddam Hussein’s tan.
DAMN YOU, GEORGE HAMILTON!!!
What’s going on with Colin Powell? He’s citing British intelligence reports which are largely plagiarized from graduate students from Monterey, California? A grad student? And we’re supposed to go to war? Really?
You know what the scariest thing I heard about the war, the other day, is? Two weeks after Colin Powell urged swift action, the majority of people in Alabama thought that weapons inspectors should be given more time and that Iraq did not pose an immediate threat to America. Alabama! When Alabama’s not sure if they want to start shooting people… Alabama needs reasons to shoot people? Since when? They’ve mellowed… I don’t even know Alabama anymore…
DEC020053 MAAKIES GABBY & CROW BLUE T\S L $17.99
DEC020052 MAAKIES GABBY & CROW BLUE T\S M $17.99
DEC020054 MAAKIES GABBY & CROW BLUE T\S XL $17.99
DEC020055 MAAKIES GABBY & CROW BLUE T\S XXL $19.99
NOV020043 OH MY GODDESS BAMPEI STICKER $1.99
NOV020041 OH MY GODDESS BELLDANDY STICKER $1.99
NOV020044 OH MY GODDESS LOGO STICKER $1.99
NOV020045 OH MY GODDESS STICKER PACK $6.99
NOV020042 OH MY GODDESS URD STICKER $1.99
You could stick OH MY GODDESS stickers onto your OH MY GODDESS t-shirts, and be the biggest fucking loser ever. If that were a goal you were aiming for. Which, judging by the array of fashions Dark Horse is debuting, I think it might be. Biggest Fucking Loser Ever 2003? How do you win that? Does Zap or Lightning fire tennis balls at you in the ELIMINATOR, or am I getting the Biggest Fucking Loser Ever competition mixed up with American Gladiators again? I’d watch an all-nerd version of American Gladiators. Just these big muscled guys shooting high-speed tennis balls at Poindexters. It’d be like that show JUNKYARD WARS, only with nerds instead of junkyards, and instead of wars, crying and arguments about whether BAMPEI and BELLDANDY will ever bampei uglies…
DEC020034 SERAPHIC FEATHER TARGET ZONE TP (MR) $17.95
You know, I see this title so many times, and I have no idea what seraphic means. I have no vocabulary. Let’s look on the ol’ dictionary. Huh- I guess it’s a play on SERAPHIM, as in the class of winged angelic beings who serve God. So, I’m going to guess the target zone of one of their feathers is God’s coochie. Which- I’m not sure why God has a coochie or what that means theologically speaking, but I really don’t have the mental resources to spend deducing all that because I’m too busy puzzling over this online pie menu from MARIE CALLENDARS. Listen to these two entries, again under TRADITIONAL PIES:
” Blueberry: Blueberries enhanced with flavorful apples. Cherry: With juicy, tart, red cherries.”
What confuses you more? Trying to figure out why they feel it’s necessary to let you know that cherry pie comes WITH cherries, or blueberry pie coming with apples? I’m no pie expert. I don’t understand these things. I’d think Blueberry pie would be focused on blueberry. And yet, apple. I’ll be damned.
DEC020037 STAR WARS EMPIRE #6 $2.99
NOV020034 SUPER MANGA BLAST #29 (MR) $5.99
I wish this were about giant robots in a fart competition, but it’s not. And I don’t know why. I don’t have any explanations for you on that one. It’d seem like a natural combination. Have we gotten too sophisticated for that kind of humor? I liked society more before it became all George Hamilton-ish.
DEC020057 USAGI YOJIMBO CHOP BLACK T/S L $17.99
DEC020056 USAGI YOJIMBO CHOP BLACK T/S M $17.99
DEC020058 USAGI YOJIMBO CHOP BLACK T/S XL $17.99
DEC020059 USAGI YOJIMBO CHOP BLACK T/S XXL $19.99
DEC020061 USAGI YOJIMBO WHITE T/S L $17.99
DEC020060 USAGI YOJIMBO WHITE T/S M $17.99
DEC020062 USAGI YOJIMBO WHITE T/S XL $17.99
DEC020063 USAGI YOJIMBO WHITE T/S XXL $19.99
DC COMICS
DEC020810 100 BULLETS #42 (RES) (MR) $2.50
See, 100 BULLETS #42 according to the solicitation copy is about “gas-pumper Wylie Times.” 100 BULLETS isn’t afraid to pump some gas, but Dark Horse and SUPER MANGA BLAST just refuses to get down with the almost-brown.
JAN030277 100 BULLETS VOL 5 THE COUNTERFIFTH DETECTIVE TP (MR) $12.95
JAN030258 21 DOWN #7 $2.95
Well, one down, anyway- the first of the EYE OF THE STORM books got cancelled last week, the RESISTANCE. Strangely, the one with the best art, I thought.
I just never felt excited about the whole EYE OF THE STORM thing. I heard about it, and just though, “oh.” Same for Dark Horse’s ROCKET line. I’ll try a book or two, maybe, but… Same for Image’s superhero line. Same for lots of these original lines lately. They keep launching original lines without making any of them seem exciting or necessary. And then when they fail, all you hear is “no one want original comics.”
Vertigo launched with books that were already successful (and even then has had a rocky time since then trying to launch new books- SEEKERS or DEADENDERS or KID ETERNITY or HOUSE OF MYSTERY or…). These lines are just launching with all these new titles- how often is a new book worth getting? Great books are so rare, expecting a whole line of quality to fall from the sky just seems so unrealistic.
And buying a new title- books are cancelled so often that I know I feel jittery picking up new books. The more these books get cancelled, the fewer people will be willing to be adventurous, the more these books get cancelled. And they get more and more expensive, and more people end up waiting for the trade. But they can’t switch to miniseries because no one reads mini-serieses?
On the other hand, is it unrealistic to expect anything else? I always read Hollywood people complaining that movies have become super-expensive blockbusters or tiny independent films. Book people complain about the destruction of the midlist. Maybe it’s unrealistic to expect anything else for comics.
JAN030214 ACTION COMICS #801 $2.25
NOV020793 AMERICAN CENTURY #22 (MR) $2.75
DEC020731 BATMAN ALIENS II #3 (Of 3) $5.95
DEC020734 BATMAN CHILD OF DREAMS HC $24.95
Man, I hope Batman beats the shit out of the Child of Dreams. I hope Batman kicks that little bitch right in the colon. That little bastard had it coming. Nobody likes a famous or rich person’s kid. Oh sure, Child of Dreams might sound cute now, but give him a couple years, and we have to listen about how he’s snorting coke off of the Hilton Sister’s tits, or impregnating one of those Olsen Twins, or acting opposite Kate Hudson- not so cute anymore, is he?
JAN030225 BIG DADDY DANGER #8 (Of 8) $2.95
JAN030208 BIRDS OF PREY CATWOMAN ORACLE #2 (Of 2) $5.95
OCT020835 BIRDS OF PREY DLX ACTION FIGURE SET PI
JAN030227 BIZARRO COMICS SC $19.95
Oh, I wanted to get this when it was in Hardcover, but it was too expensive. This is a collection of short comics by alternative comics “superstars” that DC let use various DC characters. A really diverse set of people. But the interesting thing about this book was that they rejected a Dan Clowes cover. The cover they ended up by Matt Groening was decent, but Clowes did this really great homage to 1960’s DC Annual or Giant-Sized covers. DC thought that comic fans would get confused, so they rejected it. DC rejected Dan Clowes. That shocked the hell out of me when I heard it, but… it’s hard to explain why. Well, basically: DC’s usually in the crap business, so the idea of them rejecting not-crap on purpose is confusing. And you know, which is not to speak ill of the crap business. Sales for crap is higher than the books I like. Crap’s good business. Still…
JAN030281 CODENAME KNOCKOUT #22 (MR) $2.75
JAN030192 DETECTIVE COMICS #780 $2.75
JAN030226 DOOM PATROL #18 $2.50
This is getting cancelled too. The artist will obviously get snapped up, but I thought it was an awful book besides, so I can’t say I’ve got much to say about it going away. I do take a sort of pleasure, though, which I must admit, seeing certain books get cancelled. Because… DOOM PATROL got cancelled in its first incarnation. It got cancelled in its second incarnation. Hey, big surprise: third time didn’t work out either. (Am I forgetting an incarnation?).
Marvel’s NAMOR worth getting upset about one way or the other? NAMOR already got cancelled before. Why waste the energy getting mad about it? It’ll be cancelled before we know it. What- Marvel fans will take to Andi Watson? Well, stranger things have happened, but… Some books just aren’t meant to survive.
NOV020796 FIGHT FOR TOMORROW #5 (Of 6) (MR) $2.50
JAN030233 GREEN LANTERN #160 $2.25
There was a story over at Ain’t It Cool that I was interested in this week, a site report by Harry Knowles from the SPY KIDS 3 set. I like Robert Rodriguez, the SPY KIDS movies, etc. Anyway, a bit of that report jumped out at me. Knowles was talking about meeting Sylvester Stallone for the first time- Stallone’s playing the bad actor- I mean, the bad guy in that movie. You’ll remember Sylvester Stallone from that time you screamed, “Why did I just pay money to see a Sylvester Stallone movie? I want my life back! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!” Anyway, Knowles meets Stallone for the first time:
“Stallone wanted the ring in the part as a power symbol, then to demonstrate he took a step back, posed like Hal Jordan and said: ‘In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight, let those that worship evil’s might, beware my power, Green Lantern’s Light!’”
Sylvester Stallone knows the Green Lantern Oath by heart. Do you think Hal Jordon somehow inspired STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT? I’m not sure, but I’m going to blame CLIFFHANGER on DC anyway. TANGO AND CASH was totally Paul Levitz’s fault.
It’s weird. Nic Cage is obsessed with superheroes. Stallone knows the Green Lantern oath by heart. Is there a rule that the worse the movies, the more the actor knows about comic books? Are comic books cursed? If Tom Green starts raving about HAWKMAN, I think we’re cursed.
Okay, here we go…
SEP020265 GREEN LANTERN ABIN SUR POWER BATTERY REPLICA $249.95
$250 for a Green Lantern Abin Sur Power Battery Replica.
Here’s what I love: are you stupid for paying $250 for an Abin Sur Power Battery? No, you’re stupid for paying $250 for just a REPLICA! You’re buying a REPLICA of something that doesn’t exist. But DC wouldn’t sell Abin Sur Power Batteries. Why? Fans would complain that it wasn’t charging their wedding rings? “I put my ring in the battery, and I was not wearing yellow, and- and- and- I demand my money back, sir!” No! Of COURSE it’s fake. But DC isn’t taking any chances: they’re just selling REPLICAS of the … of the real Power Battery? What the fuck? It’s not a replica if there’s no such thing to begin with. [Geeky Editor’s note: Even worse, DC already sold a Hal Jordan Power Battery Replica, and Hal Jordan got his battery from Abin Sur so basically, this is the exact same battery that DC has already sold]
JAN030236 HAWKMAN #13 $2.50
JAN030243 JUSTICE LEAGUE ADVENTURES #17 $2.25
JAN030254 LOONEY TUNES #100 $2.25
JAN030291 MAD MAGAZINE #428 $3.50
JAN030246 NEW TEEN TITANS JUDAS CONTRACT TP NEW ED $19.95
DEC020803 PROMETHEA #25 $2.95
JAN030287 SANDMAN PRESENTS BAST #3 (Of 3) (MR) $2.95
APR025276 SMALLVILLE CLARK KENT ACTION FIGURE PI
JAN030248 SPECTRE #27 $2.75
JAN030252 YOUNG JUSTICE #55 $2.75
JAN030275 ZERO GIRL FULL CIRCLE #5 (Of 5) $2.95
You know what I’m noticing this week? Mini-series ending. BIG DADDY DANGER? Ending. BIRDS OF PREY mini-series? Ending. BATMAN ALIENS II? Ending. SANDMAN: BAST, ending; no more ZERO GIRL: FULL CIRCLE. It’s like rats getting off a sinking ship. It’s like in horror movies. When all the animals flee, it means the evil satanic monsters are about to start attacking. Scary stuff…
IMAGE
DEC021777 ARIA THE USES OF ENCHANTMENT #1 (Of 4) $2.95
DEC025098 ARIA USES OF ENCHANTMENT #1 OVERSHIP COPIES PI
OCT021719 BASTARD SAMURAI VOL I SAMURAI NOIR TP $12.95
Yeah, I enjoyed this series. Great, great art- very fucking pretty, amazing colors, fun story, but godfuckingdammit I just want some fucking pie right now. Okay, that fucking clinches it. I’m going to go get some pie. Wait- hold on: What kind of pie do I want? Well, I guess it’s up to what they have at the HOUSE OF PIES. So, yeah, thumbs up to BASTARD SAMURAI, thumbs up to pie, thumbs up to AMERICA. I’ll be right back.
DISASTER 2003: HOUSE OF PIES was closed, so I end up at DENNY’S, which is a mistake, of course, and then DENNY’S- they’re all out of baked apple pie, so what happens? It’s late, I’m not thinking clearly, so I order the only other pie on the menu, which is the chocolate chip peanut butter something something pie. I.e. something calling itself a pie that might as well be a cake for all I care. Because the whole fruit component is gone, dad- it is gone. So what am I eating then? I get this thing that might as well be ice cream, nibble at it a little- why go on? A complete disaster! And I grant you: nobody said pie would be easy. But what, I’m going to try again tomorrow? No, what are the odds I’ll even be in a pie mood tomorrow? And trying to eat on Day Two to avenge the food disasters of Day One- that path leads only to madness. Think about what a happy column this would have been with a- with even a razzleberry. Complete fucking disaster.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, BASTARD SAMURAI- I like how the Japanese talk about certain comics being fight comics. I love that expression, which I guess I got from SHONEN JUMP. The Japanese, they just say, “Oh, such-and-such is a fight comic.” There’s no pretense like with American comics about, you know, “SPIDERMAN is a comic book about RESPONSIBILITY. Kids love reading about responsibility.” With the Japanese, they just say, “Dragonball is a great fight comic.” They read it for the fights. Because there’s nothing wrong with that. The alternative comics about the sad, ugly people can be excellent, but just because comics could theoretically be great art doesn’t mean that’s all they should be.
Anyways, BASTARD SAMURAI- I don’t know. I liked it; thought it was fun. God, I wish the pie thing had worked out, though. Is it BASTARD SAMURAI’s fault? Obviously, a little bit, yes. SAMURAI, rhymes with PIE- I was really this comic’s helpless victim, I’d argue. But nonetheless, thumbs up.
JAN031271 FIREBREATHER #3 (Of 4) $2.95
DEC021813 MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE GRANT CVR #4 (Of 4) $2.95
DEC021812 MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE SANTALUCIA CVR #4 (Of 4) $2.95
DEC021825 POWERS #29 (MR) $2.95
I’m a big POWERS fan, but I haven’t been excited by this last arc yet. It was a touch slow, and I thought it got sidetracked with a comic convention analogue that didn’t really excite me. But last issue ended well, made a nice turn in tone, so I actually have very high hopes for this issue.
JAN031299 PVP #1 (Of 4) $2.95
I think Rodney King ended up facing charges for PCP again a couple years ago, but I’m not sure. This comic’s not about PCP. It’s about role-playing or computer games or something, instead; it’s based on a “popular” web-strip. I don’t know if Rodney King ever played computer games. If Rodney King played one of those GRAND THEFT AUTO games, do you think he’d spend more time killing cops than the normal person, the same, or less? Assuming he’s not on PCP while he plays, of course. You know, I’m going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and say the same. After all he’s been through…
SEP021207 SAVAGE DRAGON #105 $2.95
DEC021835 SHADOWS #1 $2.95
I’m curious about this though I don’t know anything about it or its creators. Image is launching an awful lot of new series lately from unknown creators- there’s bound to be some breakthroughs in there somewhere, I figure. This is some sort of horror comic? Is horror the most disappointing genre in comics? My personal list of GREAT horror comics isn’t too long, but it doesn’t seem to be for lack of trying… Every other comic is about heaven or hell or some nonsense.
APR021439 SPAWN #123 $2.50
It’s as easy as 1-2-3: no one cares about SPAWN anymore? SPAWN: It’s as shitty as 1-2-3? How do people still buy SPAWN? McFarlane’s a toymaker now. What’s the point of still buying his comic?
MARVEL
JAN031587 ALIAS #20 (MR) $2.99
JAN031606 AVENGERS VOL 1 WORLD TRUST TP $14.99
JAN031533 CAPTAIN AMERICA WHAT PRICE GLORY #1 $2.99
Oh, this is the latest disappointing Steve Rude comic. Rude’s one of my favorite artists, but his work for Marvel just seems to be Jack Kirby idolatry. I’ve seen Kirby and I love Kirby, but I just want to see Rude be Rude, not Rude be someone else…
DEC022102 CAPTAIN MARVEL #6 $2.25
JAN031548 EDENS TRAIL #5 (OF 5) $2.99
JAN031566 EXILES #23 $2.25
It’s as easy as 2-3: I need the number 1 for this to make sense.
JAN031544 FANTASTIC FOUR UNSTABLE MOLECULES #3 (Of 4) $2.99
AAAH! I keep wanting to talk about this mini-series, which I am enjoying a great deal, but I’m pie-stuffed, and it’s very late at night, so I can’t really give this the attention I want to right now. Next time! But yeah, this is good, I think. It’s strange, and I’m curious how it came to exist, but I do think it is good.
JAN031585 RAWHIDE KID #2 (Of 5) (MR) $2.99
God, my heart’s gone out of this week’s column after the whole pie disaster. RAWHIDE KID #2 -- anyone care anymore? At this point, the controversy’s spent itself out. Everyone got mad months and months ago when they were first advertising the comic, but now it’s been talked about so often… and people have seen the first issue- these stunt comics are cute, but does anyone still care once the second issue lands? The first issue was controversial. The second issue is just another Western comic.
JAN031580 SPIDER-GIRL #58 $2.25
DEC022081 SPIDER-MAN BLUE #6 (Of 6) (RES) $3.50
DEC022082 SPIDER-MAN LEGEND OF THE SPIDER CLAN #5 (Of 5) $2.25
Fuck horror comics- this is a horror column. Everything’s stopping this week. Are comics closing finally? Was the Comics Journal right all those years they were saying comics are about to stop? I guess they meant this week. You think they’d have given us some notice. But- no, I’m pretty sure they’re all done this week. Is it a tax thing? Maybe it’s a tax thing. That or my original theory that Satan was about to rise and reclaim the Earth. One of the two.
JAN031542 THOR #61 $2.25
JAN031577 ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #37 $2.25
JAN031569 X-MEN RONIN #1 (Of 5) $2.99
This is one of those books where Marvel got a Japanese artist. Here’s the only problem: there’s no way to find out about any of these artist’s work in Japan. I read an interview with the writer of this comic recently, J. Torres. The whole interview was about him and the plot of this comic. When they ask about the artist, he said, “We're talking about a very popular and successful Japanese comic creator here and we're quite lucky to be working with someone of his caliber and stature.” What caliber? What stature?
JAN031563 X-TREME X-MEN #22 $2.99
WIZARD
JAN031856 INQUEST GAMER WOLVERINE CVR #96 $4.99
COMICS
DEC022836 ADA LEE VOL 2 (A) $9.95
DEC022486 ALAN MOORES THE COURTYARD #2 (MR) $3.50
DEC022487 ALAN MOORES THE COURTYARD WRAPAROUND #2 (MR) $3.95
NOV022709 ALICE SINN & WAKING DREAM GN $7.50
And here I am complaining about the lack of good horror comics… if Satan did rise to reclaim the Earth, I say we sell. Judging by all those songs Satan wrote, he at least has better taste than the ALICE SINN people. Oh, what, is that like Alyson? Even if that were clever, why team that up with WAKING DREAM? WAKING DREAM- did they do the music for Ridley Scott’s LEGEND? Ugh. Awful titles…
DEC022464 ARCHIE AND FRIENDS #68 $2.19
DEC022465 ARCHIE DOUBLE DIGEST #141 $3.59
OCT022522 ARKANIUM #4 $2.95
DEC022538 BART SIMPSON COMICS #11 $2.50
DEC022982 BATTLE ROYALE NOVEL (MR) $15.95
DEC022466 BETTY #123 $2.19
DEC022766 BOUNCER VOL 2 HC EXECUTIONERS MERCY (MR) $15.95
NOV022688 BUREAU MANA INVESTIGATION #6 $2.99
JAN032393 CELESTIAL ZONE #24 $10.00
DEC022987 CERES CELESTIAL LEGEND PART 5 #1 (Of 4) $3.50
DEC022846 CHEAT GN (MR) $5.95
Buying this. Oni has done this once before with Andi Watson’s DUMPED- a thin original graphic novel with a distinctive emphasis on quality, targeted towards older audiences. This time it’s by the talented Christine Norrie, who did most of the art for the first HOPELESS SAVAGES. This is some comic about infidelity, I think? While I’m not usually impressed by Oni’s “entertainment” books, their fun books, when they put their head down to put forward a quality package, as this appears to be, they seem to have good taste and execute at a very high level(see: QUEEN & COUNTRY). I’ve been looking forward to this since it was first announced, so I hope it’s good.
JAN032314 CHIAROSCURO #6 (MR) $2.75
NOV022291 COURIERS GN $12.95
DEC022852 COURTNEY CRUMRIN & THE COVEN OF MYSTICS #3 (Of 4) $2.95
NOV022494 DARKMINDS MACROPOLIS VOL 1 TP $9.95
DEC022864 DECOY STORM OF THE CENTURY TP $17.95
DEC022667 DF TENTH ANNIV FAN FUN PACK $19.93
JUL022032 DF THUNDERCATS 9.8 CGC GRADED SGN #1 PI
AUG022064 DFE BATTLE OF THE PLANETS ALT CVR 9.8 CGC GRADED #1 PI
DEC022803 DISCIPLINE VOL 3 (A) $14.95
OCT023158 EIKEN MANGA #6 (A) $7.99
NOV022544 ELIZABETH BATHORY #3 (A) $3.50
OCT022664 EVO #1 LTD FOIL EDITION $12.99
NOV022495 FATE OF THE BLADE #5 (RES) (MR) $2.95
JAN032056 FIRST #29 $2.95
The head of CrossGen’s pretty balls-y. He went on some tirade last weekend at MegaCon or some comic book convention or another, complaining about Marvel book after Marvel book. Does CrossGen have even one hit series? RUSE was a critical hit, at least (I don’t know anything about numbers but seemed like people were reading it, too), but that was based on Mark Waid who left the company shortly thereafter after what seemed like a lot of in-fighting. Who goes on tirades before they have a hit book? If someone at DC were to go on a tirade- well, DC puts out the #1 book. I hear they sell more. They publish more original material, have a better library, and have published more masterworks. CROSSGEN- they managed to get some Po Po the Monkey displays into a Walmart somewhere. And they’re lecturing people? Huh?
NOV022689 FURRLOUGH #121 $2.99
DEC022911 GATEKEEPERS VOL 1 GN $9.99
DEC022804 GOING HOME TO THE FIFTIES $24.95
DEC022446 GOLD DIGGER #40 $3.50
DEC022385 GOLDEN AGE CHAMPIONS PACK #2 $19.95
JAN032037 HEAVY METAL THE MOVIE REVISED ED (O/A) (MR) PI
JUN022029 HEROBEAR AND THE KID VOL 1 HC $49.95
DEC022765 INCAL VOL 2 TP JOHN DIFOOL CLASS R DETECTIVE (MR) $17.95
JAN032241 INFINITE KUNG FU #4 $3.00
BUYING THIS! What great news: INFINITE KUNG FU is a favorite book, definitely, but I’m not really sure what its schedule is. It’s a great action series that’s inspired by the best (and even the worst) kung fu movies you saw on Saturday mornings when you were a kid. The art’s great; the storytelling is a good mix of action and comedy. I’m only surprised this series hasn’t been picked up by a bigger company.
There’s an interesting classic kung fu movie retrospective going on in Los Angeles. I haven’t made it out to any of the films yet. The opening night film was about a bad guy who could retract his testicles into his body. I’m not sure any of the other movies could compare to that…
There’s also a Saul Bass exhibit at some gallery or Hollywood museum somewhere that I’ve been meaning to get out to, but that’s neither here nor there…
DEC022966 INQUISITOR #1 HORROR MAG PARODY VARIANT CVR (MR) $10.00
NOV025086 J OBARR THE CROW NEW PRINTING GN (PU#556) $16.95
DEC022951 JAMES KOCHALKAS MAGIC BOY & ROBOT ELF GN $9.95
DEC022915 KARE KANO VOL 2 GN (OF 15) (RES) $9.99
DEC022799 KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE #76 $3.99
JAN031900 LITTLE SCROWLIE #1 (MR) $2.95
DEC022451 MANGAZINE #41 $9.99
NOV022743 MARS VOL 9 GN (Of 15) $9.99
NOV022545 MENAGE A TROIS #2 (A) $3.50
When this series reaches #3, will it have the same numerological significance that March 3, 2003 had? I’d skip this issue and wait for #3. They’re bound to go all out for that issue.
NOV022691 MILK #33 (A) $2.99
DEC022805 MINI MOD SIXTIES BOOK $24.95
JAN032058 MYSTIC #34 $2.95
DEC022820 PHANTOM VOL 4 GN THE HUNT $6.95
JAN032050 R A SALVATORE DEMON WARS TRIAL BY FIRE #4 (Of 5) $2.95
DEC022924 RAGNAROK VOL 6 GN (Of 10) $9.99
JAN032245 RAIJIN COMICS #13 (MR) $4.95
DEC023006 RANMA 1/2 PART 12 #1 (Of 8) $2.95
I’m so sleepy. The coffee I drank with the pie was worthless, too. It’s not kept me awake. Falling asleep at keyboard. Nothing funny or interesting to say about lame ass comics, either. Must keep going; on the other hand, want to sleep. Maybe this is how Rodney King ended up on PCP- King wrote one comic book column too many.
NOV022379 RAW MEDIA AYALA ORGY CVR #12 (A) $6.00
NOV022378 RAW MEDIA MARTIN ADULT CVR #12 (A) $6.00
NOV022377 RAW MEDIA QUARTERLY #12 (A) $3.95
DEC022926 REBIRTH VOL 1 GN $9.99
DEC022806 SCI-FI WESTERN CATALOGUE $24.95
JAN032066 SCION VOL 4 TP SANCTUARY $15.95
DEC022971 SHONEN JUMP VOL 1 #4 APRIL 2003 $4.95
You know, book after book piles up for me to read it in my TO READ pile, but SHONEN JUMP comes out and I read it cover to cover as soon as possible. It’s aimed at 8 year olds! Steven Grant had a great review of the book recently. Two lines that jumped out at me as being particularly true: “Values [in SHONEN JUMP stories] are things learned, not automatically assumed[…] But SHONEN JUMP is, and, if nothing else, every editor in comics should be poring over
this stuff to get a grip on the new market. Hopefully coming up with a better strategy than simply ripping off the superficial aspects, the usual American response to manga.” It’s the most successful comic magazine ever, too, or the true #1 comic anyway because it sells about a quarter million copies. It just doesn’t sell very much in comic shops to supposed comic book fans. But it’s got the kid audience.
I’m fascinated by it, though. It’s not just the art- I think the Marvel experiment at bringing in manga artists to work off of boring American writers is bound for failure. Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t like to see more foreign artists working in American comics. But … the Shonen Jump strips- it’s more than just the art. I’m not a fan of all the strips- YU YU CAN’T DRAW is my least favorite, or that YU GI OH is horribly mediocre. What that “more” is though- I have no idea. In the meantime, I’m basically in the same audience as 8-year-olds, is what I figured out….
NOV022447 SOULSEARCHERS #58 $2.50
NOV022687 SPACE RACE #1 $2.99
DEC022928 SPY KIDS 2 CINEMANGA GN $7.99
NOV022612 TEA CLUB #3 $2.99
NOV022580 VAMPIRELLA #17 LTD CVR ED $9.95
NOV022581 VAMPIRELLA #17 LTD MODEL PHOTO ED $9.95
NOV022579 VAMPIRELLA #17 REG ED $2.99
DEC022968 VEROTIK ILLUS #1 (O/A) (MR) $6.95
JAN031882 VINTAGE COMICS CLASSICS PACK #1 $23.95
DEC022383 VINTAGE VIXENS & VILLAINS PACK #1 $19.95
NOV022497 WARLANDS VOL 3 #3 $2.95
DEC022456 WARRIOR NUN AREALA #15 $3.50
JAN032071 WAY OF THE RAT #11 $2.95
NOV022532 WEASEL CURR PRTG #2 (O/A) (MR) $4.95
JAN032312 WITCH GIRLS #1 $4.99
JAN032039 YELLOW KID HC PI
DEC022978 ZOIDS #13 CHAOTIC CENTURY $5.95
Feel Favorable Towards (Doesn’t guarantee sale): 100 Bullets, Bizarro Comics, Bastard Samurai, Powers, Alias, FF: Unstable Molecules, Cheat, Infinite Kung Fu, and Shonen Jump.
CONCLUSION
In conclusion, my god, I had nothing to say this week. Would it have turned out differently if I’d gotten the pie I’d wanted? I’m going to say yes. I think we’d have all basked in hilarity if that were the case.
Oh, there was an essay I wanted to link to by Tom Spurgeon, of the Comics Journal, about a concept called TEAM COMICS. It’s an essay about the idea that some people like to propagate that buying a comic somehow means you have to do things on behalf of comics. It’s the second such essay by Spurgeon, and he talks about some interesting recent phenomena- he accepts some premises I don’t, sees things a bit differently and comes to some different conclusions, but whatever, an excellent bit of writing any which way if you like that sort of thing.
The whole Sal Larroca mess reminded me of the Laurie Garrett email which isn’t a comic-related thing, but what happened there was Garrett is a journalist whose private e-mail to friends about the recent World Economic Forum meeting at Davos got spread around the Internet against her wishes. I thought it was an interesting read. She apparently flipped out that anyone was reading it…
Also, Yahoo. While I’m linking randomly to people, why not Yahoo? No one ever appreciates good ol’ Yahoo. And really, they need the help. Not enough people are visiting Yahoo. So fuck it- I’m linking to Yahoo.
I’m pretty upset about the pie thing. And sleepy. So I’m going to sleep and hopefully not dream of pie, or dream of the right kind of pie, and maybe also dream about having something funny to say. That’d be a nice change of pace for the column, wouldn’t it? Having something funny to say? Ehh…
SOMEBODY TRANSLATE THIS COMIC:
Baru’s ROAD TO AMERICA was published last year by Drawn & Quarterly. Like many people, I picked it up because it was effing gorgeous to look at. So I was surprised to find out there were literally HUNDREDS of pages where that came from. Apparently, at some point, the Japanese (Kodansha, I believe) went to France and invited French artists to try to produce manga. Baru was one such artist, and he turned out the 400 page, 2-volume L'autoroute du soleil (which I think translates to MOTORWAY TO THE SUN). It looks like some sort of French road movie/crime comic, with Baru’s wonderful art(this time in Black and White), only at a manga pace, letting moments stretch across as many pages as necessary- a strange mixture of the two countries’ style. More modern, violent and sexual than ROAD TO AMERICA, certainly. Is it any good? No idea- it’s in French. It’s pretty, though, and I think Baru’s an interesting creator. I’d like to be able to read it. I asked DRAWN & QUARTERLY a while back if there were any plans to bring it over, but as of now, no such plans exist.
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