By A.K.
January 15, 2003
Each week, Diamond Comics posts the New Comics Release List-- -- a weekly list of comics coming to a store near you this Wednesday.
Here, we have a snapshot of comics as they truly are, in all their Glory and their Gory.
So I go to the art gallery openings now and then. Just to waste some time. Art gallery openings are basically keggers in small room where art happens to be.
Last Saturday, Dan Clowes (GHOST WORLD, EIGHTBALL) was having a gallery exhibit open over in Santa Monica, California, over at Bergamot Station -- I was busy that day, but I ran over for five or ten minutes to take a look.
Dan Clowes fun-fact: everyone at the Dan Clowes art gallery opening LOOKED like they just stepped out of a Dan Clowes comic book. I have never seen as many horn-rimmed glasses in my LIFE.
I always used to look at his comics, and think “The people look so weird. How bizarre; how interesting!” No, man -- that’s just the sort of people that he’s surrounded by. He thinks he’s like a photojournalist, I bet.
I got kind of creeped out being there because then it became, “if everyone in this room looks like they’re from a Dan Clowes comic, what does that make me?” I mean, am I that gruesome too? I thought I put the WO! into GHOST WORLD?
That and there was a gallery opening right by where I work a couple days before, a gallery showing by the writer of UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN or somesuch movie. So I drop in for five minutes on the way home from work, and you know, yeah, there’s some guy talking about a book about cigars he wrote, but the art? The art was literally drawings of Superman and Batman standing on a building together. It wasn’t publishable comic book quality art, either, but that was what it was aiming for… Superman and Batman standing on a building together…
I don’t get art, I guess.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
The opinions contained within do not reflect those of Kevin Smith or any other member of the Movie Poop Shoot staff-- -- past, present or future-- -- including possibly the author's own, and should not be taken too seriously.
I’m pretty bummed out because 3 o’clock today I need to get my wisdom teeth ripped out of my skull by some sadist, a.k.a. dentist. I’m not fond of anyone in the medical profession, or in the dental subset thereof, and let me tell you why: they do not know how to deal with ANYBODY, EVER. So I’m at the dentist, new dentist(reasonably decent experience overall as these things go). I ask her what’s going on with my mouth. She says “You’ve got an abscess of the gums!”
So, I’m sitting there, like, “Am I going to ever be able to chew again?” Finally I ask, “What’s an abscess, again?” Then she just shrugs, “Oh, that means infection.”
See, normal person who cared about their fellow man? Normal person would just say infection. Doctor will tell you “Oh, you have MOTHRA of the neck.” M-mothra of the neck -- oh my god!? What does that mean? “Oh, that means you have a boo-boo. We just call those mothra’s -- you know like the movie with those sexy Japanese twins? We love that movie here on PLANET MEDICINE.”
I like my new dentist except… well, it’s a girl dentist. And, you know -- I don’t think I’m sexist or anything, but I only truly believe that men are professionally competent human beings. Yeah, I don’t want to be sexist or anything, but I don’t trust girls with anything important ever…. Uhhh -- yeah, I’m a moron… Anyway, I’m going along with the girl dentist because the alternative is saying something like, “I only want a man in my mouth!” And that -- that does not sound quite right, does it?
Man, I am going to be in SO MUCH PAIN. I can see it coming. Not only can I see it coming -- I’m going to drive there and volunteer for it. I just hope the drugs are good, man.
INTRODUCTION
Well, COCKFIGHT JANUARY continues in Mr. Comic Book’s Neighberhood. History repeats itself, the first time as tragedy, the second time as “What the Fuck???” Instead of Actual People who work on Actual Comics getting their panties into a snit, it’s the People who Report About Comics fighting. Not nearly as exciting stuff, but …
Let me see if I can get a handle on all this because there’s a lot of in’s and out’s to this one, and I haven’t really cared about this issue before, but… its worth a look:
News site Newsarama used to have a guy named Michael Doran running things. Doran became Marvel Comic’s new “Marketing Director” after the departure of Bill Rosemann, and when he went to Marvel, he said the following in the press release, “The best part of joining Marvel is that I get to keep doing the same thing: spreading the word about Marvel Comics […].” This confirmed to many that Marvel and Newsarama were “in bed” somehow.
Now, this may have, though I have no way of confirming, but maybe upset the people at rival news site the PULSE who are “in bed” with CROSSGEN Comics. Says Alan Donald of ALL THE RAGE (who I think maybe makes things up sometimes, but not here): “Readers of other columns similar (at least in their aims) to this one […] will have noted that ‘The Pulse’ website has come in for some flak recently over their relationship with CrossGen comics. So bad is the obvious collusion that a certain columnist branded them as ‘Mutual Masturbators’.”
So, when I say “in bed,” let that image wash over you. Thank you, Mr. Donald.
So far, so good? So, we have a sort of odd situation. What would make that good? Letting Marvel Comics go crazy, as is their wont? Let’s throw Marvel into the mix and see what happens:
Doran engineers Marvel’s latest marketing circus, which is a series of fairly innocuous teaser images teasing announcements for new books coming sometime in late January. Doran sends out an e-mail announcing press conferences, but then that e-mail has information at the bottom that it looks like he “accidentally” left onto the e-mail, which the news site people look at and see all this information about Marvel’s new books. Which they would then theoretically turn into a bigger story (because it’s a “scoop” and Lois Lane loves a scoop) then the press releases would have been. No one seems to have fallen for it (or at least everyone claims they didn’t even though a number of sites ran the story anyway); whatever; neat trick.
THE PULSE didn’t run the story: “Earlier today, THE PULSE received an email from Marvel Comics asking us if we would be interested in attending upcoming "Phone Press Conferences." THE PULSE was, of course, very interested in this opportunity. What we weren't interested in, though, was publishing the bottom part of the e-mail -- an obvious private conversation between the Head of PR, Michael Doran, and the EIC of Marvel Comics, Joe Quesada.”
A little while later the teaser images start coming out, including WHO IS GUS BEEZER (which a Google search revealed is a new book by Gail Simone and Jason Lethcoe), some MYSTIQUE comic, the RUNAWAYS, etc. Fun-fact also to come out of this, which I was unaware of: Marvel’s PR firm is named BENDER-HELPER. Man, what a fucking great name for a PR Firm. Even their name is good PR… brilliant…
Then, and this is where I get lost in this story, so if someone could explain this part: then, everyone starts fighting.
The folks at GrayHaven, which is now ComicBookGalaxy or owned by ComicBookGalaxy or fuck-merged with ComicBookGalaxy somehow in some configuration issued the following non-press-release on their site: “My GrayHaven buddy and Preorder partner, Travis Howard did some digging (took about 5 minutes) and discovered that Gail Simone would be writing the mini-series and Jason Lethcoe would be illustrating it. Once Travis posted this on the Newsarama forum, Newsarama ‘cleaned up’ the thread and added the information to the body of the story with an addition sentence thanking Travis for the ‘tip’.” So they’re mad…
Then, according to Rich Johnston of my favorite LYING IN THE GUTTERS: “The story went that Mike Doran, Head of Marketing Communications at Marvel Comics had shared private AOL Instant Messages between Doran and Contino over the fake leak affair, with head of Comicon rival Newsarama -- and Doran's old partner in that operation -- Matt Brady. Now the material specified was fairly innocuous, and not too different to what had been expressed in Jen's article on Comicon about the fake leak, depending on your point of view. But it's been seen as a breach of both protocol and of trust. I understand that Comicon have been spitting teeth while Mike Doran has refused to see this as such a big deal.”
Then the guy at PopImage had some words for the guys at X-Fan: “If you want to be their trained monkey, go for it. If you want to gain some level of journalistic respect, act the part.” X-Fan only mustered up “Ouch... I've been ‘acting the part’ for over four years, and I think I know my lines pretty well by now, thanks.” Not the “Your Mama” I was hoping for.
Then Newsarama columnist Mike Siangacomo said about Kyle Baker and his work on the TRUTH: “What really bothers me is that a lot of non-comic readers will pick up the book because of the mainstream newspaper and magazine hype about what a controversial, important story this is. This will be the image of comics that they will carry with them. Comics look as crappy as they always suspected.” At which point, I think I muttered, “What the fuck is he talking about? Who the fuck…?” Which doesn’t really have anything to do with any of this, but… what the fuck is he talking about? Who the fuck…?
Now, what you may have noticed about this story: INSANELY boring. My theory why that is? NONE OF THESE PEOPLE WRITE AND/OR DRAW COMICS. All they have to do is take the press release and put it in the basket, along with the lotion, which you take the lotion and you put in the basket. How even comic NEWS people can manage to fight each other… so why do I bring this all up? Because it raises a much more important question:
How have I not been paid off yet?
PULSE has been paid off, apparently, by Crossgen. Newsarama’s in bed with Marvel. Sad Moviepoopshoot fact: Chris Allen sold early and is, in fact, owned exclusively by Harvey Comics, which… hey, they were a giant in 1947, man. At the very least, you think someone from PopImage could come by and tell me I suck. But no, nothing. Somebody has to read this column! I’d sell you out in a second for a stack of POWER PACK comics, are you kidding?
Well, actually, someone does read this comic: the publisher of SHORT BUS COMICS.
Now, as you probably don’t recall (I forgot), I had a thing one of the first few weeks we got started, about how Hollywood loves to make movies about retarded people. Hollywood loves noble retards -- I AM SAM, THE OTHER SISTER, TWO WEEK’S NOTICE, etc -- they love exploiting them for cheap box office dollar. So I do this little gag and think nothing more of it -- little did I know that was when my gravy train was coming in.
The publisher of SHORT BUS COMICS finds that gag on Google, and I’m not sure if he understand what my point was (I’m thinking he didn’t, maybe?), but either which way, a couple weeks later, our editor-in-chief is sending me my first copy of SHORT BUS COMICS (“FREE! IN CASE IT SUCKS” -- God, if only Marvel had done the same for 1991-1998, how much better off would we all have been?). The first issue of SHORT BUS COMICS is about terrorists trying to blow up New York, who are stopped by (take note, Hollywood) noble retards. The back of the comic though is where you get your money’s worth, free or no, with the ad for FUNEMAS, which “team-up the FUN of a classic water pistol with the function of an enema.”
So, yeah, I’ve been paid off just like the rest of them. Unfortunately, the best I could do was SHORT BUS COMICS. Come on, I could sell CrossGen with the best of them: “CROSSGEN: ORIGINALITY WAS OVERRATED ANYWAY.”
DIAMOND COMICS SAYS
Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: January 15
The following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for availability.
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
DARK HORSE
CANNON GOD EXAXXION STAGE 2 (PART 5 OF 5) #13 (MR) $3.50
CLASSIC COMIC CHARACTERS #37 EUGENE THE JEEP STATUE $49.95
This is, according to my research, a spin-off character from POPEYE created in 1936. When your grandpa was getting his arms blown off in Iwo Jima, this is the character that kept him laughin'. Why don't you buy this for your good ole' Grandpa Stumpy? Because he thinks you're a comic book-reading pansy? Hey, man, that's just his opinion. It's not like he can hit you -- he got his arms blown off in Iwo Jima. Though, you know, I bet he could kick the shit out of you, if he wanted to. He'd kick you until you cried. Until you cried for MAMA! God, you're such a comic book reading pansy...
See, where most people see "Who the fuck was Eugene the Jeep?," Dark Horse sees $50 of nerd blood-money.
COOP JOURNAL $9.99
Yeah, Eugene the Jeep's nice, and the Coop Journal's okay, but what about the never-ending glut of OH MY GODDESS t-shirts? What happened to them? It's not a week unless there's a glut of OH MY GODDESS t-shirts, is it?
OH MY GODDESS SKULD BABY DOLL WHITE T/S LG $17.99
OH MY GODDESS SKULD BABY DOLL WHITE T/S M $17.99
OH MY GODDESS SKULD BABY DOLL WHITE T/S S $17.99
OH MY GODDESS SKULD BLUE T/S LG $17.99
OH MY GODDESS SKULD BLUE T/S M $17.99
OH MY GODDESS SKULD BLUE T/S XL $17.99
OH MY GODDESS SKULD BLUE T/S XXL $19.99
OH MY GODDESS URD BABYDOLL FUCHSIA T/S LG $17.99
OH MY GODDESS URD BABYDOLL FUCHSIA T/S M $17.99
OH MY GODDESS URD BABYDOLL FUCHSIA T/S S $17.99
Thank you, Dark Horse. Fuschia, though? Comic book-reading pansy.
So I went looking on Google to figure out what color FUSCHSIA is -- I honestly have no idea. Anyway, one of the VERY FIRST links Google offers? DECONSTRUCTING COMICS WITH FUSCHIA CHANG, my new favorite webcomic. Who's Fuschia Chang? "[S]he's a Chinese-American and a lesbian." Should I make fun of her? "She knows her way around computers and firearms. She's a lousy cook." W-w-well, I do have a delicate stomach, so that'd be no.
This is actually pretty cute in a psychotic-Asian-lesbian-who-likes-to-tie-naked-women-up-to-a-bed-and-read-them-manga sort of way. You know, the same way Sam Donaldson was cute.
Just to remind you: I got all that looking up the word "fuchsia." Oh wait, I misspelled fuchsia as FUSCHSIA! Oh, that explains it. Just to remind you: I never learned how to read.
TIM BISKUP JOURNAL BIRDS & BEASTS $9.99
Coop and Tim Biskup are actually well-known(outside comics) graphic artists influenced by pop culture things like Japanese monster movies, skateboarding, etc. So, are these journals like comic book diaries or Tim Biskup's explanation of the animal kingdom? Let's look at Dark Horse.Com:
"Dark Horse is teaming up with today's finest outré artists to create a collection of cool stationery sets."
COOOOOOOL! STATIONARY! I feel like Miles fucking Davis, man.
When I finally go crazy, one of the things I'm going to do is buy some of this Dark Horse COOL STATIONARY!, and write a bunch of threatening letters to strangers on them. Names out of a phonebook. Imagine getting some threatening letter, only the paper it's on has a drawing of Godzilla on it. How would you even process that? I think you in turn would go insane yourself trying to figure it out -- you'd ask all your friends if it was some sort of joke, but you know... eventually, late some night, when you can't sleep, you'd conclude that GODZILLA HATES YOU. GODZILLA WANTS TO HURT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. GODZILLA HAS YOU AND TOKYO MIXED UP.
Man, life's going to be so much more fun after I finally go crazy.
TONY MILLIONAIRES SOCK MONKEY STATUE $75.00
Look at Dark Horse's solicitation for this fucking piece of shit: "This colorful new Sock Monkey Statue is approximately 8" tall, fully painted, and it comes carefully in a full-color box."
Thank god -- all those times I spent $75 on some Dark Horse product and it came in a Hefty trash bag filled with Mike Richardson's dead aborted fetuses. Yeah, Mike Richardson has ovaries; he regularly aborts his own she-man children into a trash bag. That's where I found all those issues of COMIC'S GREATEST WORLD anyway...
But Tony Millionaire, he stuck to his guns and probably said something, and I'm just guessing here, but he probably said, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL WITH THE ABORTED SHE-MAN FETUSES IN THE BAG?? WHY DON'T WE USE A FULL COLOR BOX? WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION, MIKE RICHARDSON? ALSO, DO YOU HAVE A OH MY GODDESS T-SHIRT I COULD WEAR BECAUSE THE WORLD NEEDS MORE FUCKING OH MY GODDESS T-SHIRTS, DAGNAMBIT?!?"
I just love that the SOCK monkey statue is not in fact made out of a sock. It's made of something that apparently is worth $75!! That or it's the most expensive SOCK ever made! It's the Cadillac of socks. It's woven by small children out of a poor women's hair. Its the LES MISERABLES of socks. Oh, Jean Valjean, what has Dark Horse made of you? Mike Richardson's the Master of the House?
You know what my favorite part of LES MISERABLES was? When those singing French assholes started getting killed. That was the feel good hit of the summer, then.
Though you know who REALLY wants to beat up Victor Hugo? Not someone like me who gets drug to that ungodly musical when he's a kid, so much as ANYONE who's ever had to sit through "ON MY OWN" at a high school variety show. Because, like, three or four kids will sing that song EVERY YEAR. Oh, its cruel... Its inhumane! Mix it up, kids. There are other songs. And I'll grant you, one of them will nail it. nonetheless, its the principal of the thing at this point. Yeah, I could punch Victor Hugo right in the jaw. Right in his dead, decaying jaw. His jaw? My tooth!!
Oh and look at this shit from Dark Horse for this horrid looking piece of shit: "Recommended Age: Children." Children with $80? How does a kid get $80, you ask? Easy -- that's the kid slinging rock, yo. He's dealing the crack to the other little kids. If I wanted $80 when I was a kid, I knew what to do: sling some crack. Because I think NOTORIOUS B.I.G. put it best when he said, "Your either slingin crack rock, or you got a wicked jump shot." Little known fact about NOTORIOUS B.I.G.? He thought Sock Monkey was fucking overrated. Yeah, Biggie was just the meanest comic critic there ever was. Why do you think the comic book industry had him shot?
Yeah, man, it wasn't Suge Knight. What pissed them off was that time Biggie was all rappin' and he bust out the "B.I.G., P-O, P-P-A/ No info, for the, DEA/ Federal agents mad cause I'm flagrant/Tap my cell, and the phone in the basement/ Dark Horse thinks I'm going to spend how much 'cheddar' on some goddamn sock puppet statue piece of goddamn shit -- recommended for what children? Stupid children who's parents need to beat some fiscal fucking responsibility into their ass/My team supreme,stay clean/Triple beam lyrical dream, I be that/cat you see at all events bent..."
Best song ever, man...
DC COMICS
Meanwhile, in actual comic creator comic news, rumors about homosexual characters again abounded. For a little while last week, the big rumor was Judd Winick was going to “gay” the second GREEN ARROW, Connor Hawke. Hawke was, apparently, always one of the more “suspicious” of the superheroes, so much so that “All Man” Chuck Dixon had to de-gay the guy by having him sleep with a female “ghost.” So… “GREEN ARROW: HE LIKES SEX WITH DUDES AND DEAD GIRLS.”
I mean, it’s sort of sad because that rumor clearly recognizes how DC is chasing Marvel’s marketing strength right now, even though DC is the #1 company. But Marvel, in response… apparently, one of the teaser images is of MYSTIQUE, which would mean Marvel publishing a comic about a lesbian (possible transsexual girl dad?)? Do I understand that right?
See, there’s no way DC will ever be able to take things to the next level like Marvel does. DC could be all “Green Arrow kissed another dude on the cheek once,” and Marvel will come back mere days later with “Mystique has munched so much rug in her day, man oh man, and she also impregnated another chick.” It’s hopeless.
What I found most interesting, and what I found interesting about the whole comic journalist story: you know why there are no funny comic books? You think the “funny” comic book would be a staple of comics -- who doesn’t love a good laugh? Comic books are descended from comic strips, which are based on funny drawings. But yet, very few funny comic books. Why is that?
Oh that’s right: EVERYONE’S HUMORLESS.
Take a look at the “fan” reaction to the Mystique image, and by “fan,” I mean the joyless freaks who feel the need to append any news story at a news site with their incessant harpyism. This is a pretty run of the mill image -- a girl in shadows holding two guns. Completely run-of-the-mill -- should it be? Maybe not, but let’s not pretend it’s somehow not run-of-the-mill. Let’s take a sampling of responses from this population (which CLEARLY doesn’t reflect any sort of real comic audience population -- bunch of angry 40-year-olds) -- this is a random sampling of a series of responses:
“Nothing about this image makes me want to try whatever book this is… You've got two grown men (Quesada and Jemas) running this company. Two grown men with a combined emotional age of about 16, apparently…. Sexist promotional picture aside, this is probably Quemas's last stand creatively… I don't get it…I can't wait to hear whose bright idea it was to come up with this title. Axel Alonso, probably. He certainly has plenty of time since he doesn't seem to do any actual editing…”
I’m not saying people should “go along” with this, but literally, that image generated 42 condemnations! A girl in shadows with guns generated FORTY-TWO condemnations.
Comic journalists, all of whom seem to suckle off one comic company or another, fighting over scraps of Marvel’s generic, boring leavings, while the most humorless people in the world comment under the story -- what a fucking freakshow, man. I don’t have a joke or anything, just plain old: What a fucking freak show.
Things won’t be like this when SHORT BUS COMICS rules the world. SHORT BUS COMICS: SHORT STORIES THAT CHALLENGE YOUR MENTALITY (actual tagline!).
ACTION COMICS #799 $2.25
AZRAEL AGENT OF THE BAT #98 $2.95
BATGIRL #36 $2.50
BATMAN GOTHAM KNIGHTS #37 $2.75
BLACK SUN #5 (Of 6) (MR) $2.95
FOREVER MAELSTROM #3 (Of 6) $2.95
In comics, forever is three more months. That almost sounded deep there, didn't it? I should turn this column into a cute greeting card-like one-liner column, instead of all this bile and LES MISERABLES-related put-downs ("Yeah, well you should INSPECTor Javert YOUR BALLS!").
GREEN LANTERN #158 $2.25
Francis Bacon once said "A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well." So, really, green is sort of like an infection? And my tooth is infected. Man, Green Lantern is like a walking abscess.
This is written by Judd Winick of the afforementioned "GREEN ARROW LIKES SEX WITH GUYS AND DEAD GIRLS" rumor. I feel sad for the guy how homophobic comic fans are that basically his career's become: "Judd Winick's taking over this comic? THAT CHARACTER NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT ANOTHER GUY, MAN." Like people think Winick's going to go book from book, "gaying up" superhero after superhero??!? I like Winnick -- its sort of SAD, you know?
The guy's married! To a woman! That's more than most of these superfans can say, I'd wager. Does he have to prove his straight credentials?
This issue of GREEN LANTERN has the words "BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN" on the cover. That sounds much more like God-approved hetero fucking then I think people would give Winick credit for.
I heard Judd Winick once saw pictures of a naked girl in a Playboy Magazine, and he liked it.
My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Judd Winick pass out at 31 Flavors last night. And he passed out with his dick in a girl.
Judd Winick once grabbed my buddy's ass, but when my buddy turned around to punch him, Winick said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were a girl -- I mean, bitch." And then all was forgiven and they drank beer. And then they got drunk and fucked, but that doesn't even count because it wasn't in this zip code, okay?
He's one of us, I swear to you!!! Settle down, already. He's not some evil pinball of gayness that might accidentally get shot your way.
HUNTER THE AGE OF MAGIC #19 (MR) $2.75
JLA THE GOLDEN PERFECT TP $12.95
LUCIFER #34 (MR) $2.50
MEK #3 (Of 3) $2.95
Bad Mek? Bad comic!
Oh, speaking of a Warren Ellis book, MAN, what an excellent sales job on that new book of his, RELOAD. Preview art with "commentary," a script sample -- just a great sales job. Most sales jobs in comics are nonexistent, boring, cheap, crass, insubstantial, unnoticeable, ignored, and/or useless. It's nice to see a well put together once in a while.
ALTHOUGH:The script sample -- SURPRISE -- a conversation about cigarettes. Why has none of his friends told him how LAZY this endless repetitive shit seems? I can understand not reading comic critics, but... he has friends, right??? Surely, they must say something by accident, when drunk, asleep, that he might hear...Does Hallmark not make a "Would you fucking stretch as a writer?" card? I'm pretty sure they do -- Hallmark's very comprehensive. I once got a "Your internet column about comic books has too many serious parts that no one reads" card in the mail. How? Hallmark.
Like, okay, George Lucas, I can see: I can see how Lucas is surrounded by Yes-Men. Obviously, all those 70s once-great directors are. But they're insanely rich. If I were insanely rich, I wouldn't have any friends. I'd have money. Money's better than friends. You can buy friends. But how is a comic book writer surrounded by Yes-Men? They might make a little money, a little of the cabbage, if you will, but nowhere near enough to afford decent Yes-Men. And who wants low-rent Yes-Men? Even if you could afford Larry Young...
But the preview art from Paul Gulacy looks fun to me. And again, another concept that sounds pretty strong -- an assassin kills the President and tries to get away, while a secret service agent tries to control things on the ground. Ellis is good on concepts, man. I hope he manages to execute. The art looks like its there already.
But yeah, great sales job. You know, most people just don't SELL their books. I like being sold on a book. It's fun getting suckered into some piece of shit. Anytime Michael Bay makes a movie, man, I just turn into a SUCKER, and I KNOW I'm turning into a sucker, but I just say to myself, "Little kid sees a Japanese warplane even though he'd have to be playing baseball at 5 in the morning? I'M THERE!" Michael Bay's latest movie is BAD BOYS 2 -- I'm there opening day, are you kidding me? Why? BECAUSE I'M A SUCKER. And yet, comics -- how often do you just feel violated the way a summer movie makes you feel violated? A summer movie -- it's like you should put money on the bedside table and slink away into the night. You just feel CHEAP afterwards. Comics can't match that level of degradation..
NIGHTWING #77 $2.25
POWER COMPANY #12 $2.75
POWERPUFF GIRLS #34 $2.25
SPECTRE #25 $2.75
IMAGE
BATTLE OF THE PLANETS #6 $2.99
GI JOE FRONTLINE #3 $2.95
HELLSPAWN #14 $2.50
INFERNO HELLBOUND CONVENTION FOIL ED #2 PI
Is CONVENTION foil different from ALUMINUM foil? ALUMINUM foil doesn't sound as impressive, does it?
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE MANAPUL CVR #2 $2.95
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE SANTALUCIA CVR #2 $2.95
MIDNIGHT NATION TP $29.99
SAVAGE DRAGON #103 $2.95
SPAWN #121 $2.50
McFarlane's lawyers lost again! Man, I feel sorry for those guys. They just keep losing and losing and losing. And I don't mean that in a mocking "McFarlane has it coming" way because I think that's just turning the whole thing into a popularity contest.
This time they lost over a motion for new trial. Next up, that means, they get to lose an appeal. After that, maybe they'll lose their keys. I lost my keys this morning for, like, a half-hour. And then I lost the cardkey to get out of my building's garage. And for a little while at the grocery store today, I lost my car in the parking lot. Oh and this settlement my boss put together which meant I wouldn't have to do a lot of very obnoxious work on a very difficult case -- the settlement fell apart thanks to the other sides's attorneys! YAY! Great day!
I mean, how much are McFarlane's lawyers itching to win something, anything? It must be like that movie MAJOR LEAGUE for those lawyers. Only, you know, before they come up with a scheme to motivate the players by undressing a cardboard cutout of the evil owner (what?).
MARVEL
Speaking of the homosexuality-related controversies, what's the latest in the RAWHIDE KID saga? Well, finally, some intrepid journalist has turned to the only person worthy to comment on this story -- someone I've been yelling that they should get ahold of since day one:
The cowboy from the Village People.
In a story about the RAWHIDE KID comic book in which RAWHIDE KID is semi-outed as a gay cowboy, an article entitled "YEE HAW," The New Yorker magazine, home to the world's least funny cartoons but at least no Tina Brown (I like Remnick, personally -- personal preference), talked to Randy Jones, the cowboy from the Village People!
"Jones (who actually lives in the Village) was named after the Hollywood Western actor Randolph Scott. He grew up reading ‘Rawhide Kid.’ Jones proudly recalls creating his now iconic cowboy. He was approached while working a fashion show with Grace Jones (no relation), and was asked to join the band. ’Everyone in it had to have a mustache,’ he said. ‘I said, ‘'Fine, man.'’ I had one. The Village People took the American stereotypical male images that Hollywood had been selling to the rest of the world and gave them a little bit of a twist and a wink and a wiggle and a wave.’"
Man, I wish I was sophisticated like the NEW YORKER....
DAREDEVIL ELEKTRA LOVE & WAR HC (RES) $29.99
DAREDEVIL THE MOVIE OFFICIAL COMIC BOOK ADAPTATION $3.50
DAREDEVIL THE MOVIE TP $12.99
IRON MAN #64 $2.25
What else is going on at Marvel -- oh, they have this new ad campaign: WHO IS GUS BEEZER? That's the ad campaign -- WHO IS GUS BEEZER? Well, if I have to guess... Ron Zimmerman?
You know what I'd do if I were running Marvel right this second? I'd put a gun to Ron Zimmerman's head, and just make him put out THE ADVENTURES OF RON ZIMMERMAN. Just for the laughs. He gets people so MAD at him(and I don't know why, I honestly don't -- he's not my favorite writer, but I'd hardly put him on my shit list, either), but at the same time, Marvel keeps publishing new book after new book from him. I'm starting to root for the guy just because he gets everyone so pissed off at him. That's endearing to me. Comic fans are going NUTS over the guy -- that might actually be funnier than any comic he could write proves to be.
I'd love if they just published a comic called THE ADVENTURES OF RON ZIMMERMAN. And the comic should just be drawings of Zimmerman cackling, "I WRITE COMIC BOOKS. AND YOU DO NOT! YOU DO NOT WRITE COMIC BOOKS, AND I DO. MY NAME IS RON ZIMMERMAN. HAHAHAHA! I'M GOING TO GO FUCK A MODEL ON A PILE OF MARVEL CASH NOW!" And pictures of him tearing up issues of FANTASTIC FOUR #1, and punching out Eleanor Roosevelt, and making out with Judd Winnick and...
I'd love if they were just to fucking FLAUNT it, you know? Take it to the next level, like Andy Kaufman style. Zimmerman should totally be our Tony Clifton. I think Zimmerman's got to wrestle a woman at San Diego next year. He's got to fake his own death. He has to turn out to be Dustin Hoffman dressed as a woman, and reveal himself on one of those live episodes of a soap opera they have so often. Something, man. I just want him to be bigger than life now. It's gotten so out of hand -- I just want them to go crazy with it.
So, yeah, my guess for Gus Beezer? Ron Zimmerman.
NEW X-MEN #136 $2.25
SOLDIER X #7 $2.25
SPIDER-GIRL #56 $2.25
Marvel is also, according to rumor, going to start publishing a comic book called NIMROD.
Thank you, Marvel.
SPIDER-MAN TANGLED WEB #22 $2.99
You know, I've never noticed before, but Marvel publishes a Spider-Man comic named after DECEIVING. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive... they named a comic book after that? And it's not like they can say, "That quote's about how you should tell the truth" Because... then it'd be called Spiderman: Tell the Truth. It's not named after the moral -- it's named after the bad parts...
THUNDERBOLTS #75 (Note Price) $3.50
ULTIMATE DAREDEVIL AND ELEKTRA TP $11.99
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #35 $2.25
ULTIMATES #8 (RES) $2.25
WOLVERINE #185 $2.25
Maybe it’s the tooth talking, but how is the most popular character Marvel has not their biggest book? Why don’t they, you know, not do crap instead?
WIZARD
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN ACE ED #129 (O/A) $13.99
DF BOTP LTD ED FOIL CVR SGN #1 $29.99
Wait -- what is FOIL short for? (I’m really desperate for a good FOIL joke, aren’t I? Where did that come from?)
COMICS
3 X 3 EYES MANGA COLL #3 $25.99
3 X 3 EYES MANGA COLL #4 $25.99
ADVENTURES OF JOHN DOE #1 $5.95
ALICE 19TH #4 $7.99
ALICE IN SEXLAND #8 (A) $3.50
BANZAI GIRL #1 ENCORE ED $2.95
I don't remember anyone yelling "ENCORE!" Do you? Maybe you misheard the word "COMIC WHORE." They -- they kind of sound the same if you have your head up your ass, I would have to guess.
BIG O #3 $10.99
BIG O #4 $10.99
BIG O PART 3 #3 (Of 4) $3.50
BRIDE OF DEIMOS GN #1 $9.95
CAT RETURNS ANIME COMIC #2 $10.99
CHOBITS #6 $10.99
CHOBITS ANIME COMIC #1 $13.99
CRAYON SHINCHAN GN #2 $9.95
CUTIE HONEY LEGEND OF AN ANGEL MANGA #3 (MR) $11.99
That's a good idea -- sexually harass the embodiments of the ALMIGHTY. "Hey, sweet-tits, put down the harp and get off that cloud and come down here and shake it?" Yeah, God's all loving, but that doesn't mean you get to violate his creatures in heaven. Which -- you know, even if you were to get 40 virgins in heaven, let me explain something for the my Islamic terrorist readers -- they're going to stay virgins.
The whole point of the sex act is human reproduction, which doesn't take place when you're in heaven. What -- god's going to have sex in heaven? No -- there'd be no point. Then, what happens if you knock up a soul? This isn't your high school girlfriend on prom night -- this is the afterlife, and that'd be a much bigger no-no, I would guess. I mean, if there is an afterlife, one would hope there's something novel to compensate for the forfeiture of sex, but ... an eternity of guilt-free, consequence-free sex? He's GOD, not Hugh Hefner, and you're you, not James Caan. Unless you happen to, in fact, be James Caan, in which case.... I loved the KILLER ELITE?
I wonder what American comics would be like if we’d had Go Nagai. Forget Tazuka, just Nagai… strange guy, from what I’ve read about him.
DF THUNDERCATS ART ADAMS CVR SGN #1 $19.99
DFE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE ALT CVR #1 $6.99
ELFINA ILLUS SC (A) $44.99
ENOMOTO NARIKO PLUS NOBI NOBITA #3 (A) (Note Price) $22.99
FADE FROM BLUE #5 $1.50
FATE OF THE BLADE #4 (MR) $2.95
FIGURE MANIACS SPECIAL #5 (MR) $29.99
FIST OF NORTH STAR MASTER ED VOL 1 GN (MR) $14.95
FIVE STAR STORIES ENG LANG MANGA #3 $9.98
FIVE STAR STORIES ENG LANG MANGA #4 $9.98
GEOBREEDERS BOOK 5 BIG TROUBLE AT TOKYO TOWER $15.95
GUNDAM A ANTHOLOGY MANGA JAN 2003 $12.99
HEAD #3 (A) $3.50
HIGH SCHOOL LADY PATTY #2 (A) $10.99
HSU AND CHAN #1 $2.95
Oh, I can’t find the article anymore, and I don’t remember where it ran. But one of the comic news sites did a story about this comic book. And that story had the following quote which I saved:
“Although Hsu and Chan aren't so lucky with the ladies, ironically, Hsu and Chan the comic book has what all women look for in a man: intelligence, a sense of humor, and looks."
Also, staples. Women are apparently looking for staples. If we could pee staples, we'd be In Like Flint. Of course, who can pee staples? Maybe some guy who had his dick blown off in the war, and just was shoving a stapler into his underwear, but... that's just sort of a disturbing image. That's a gentleman I personally don't want to meet, big pimpin' spending g's or no.
INFERNO MAGAZINE #34 $6.95
INU YASHA ANIME COMIC #17 $16.99
INU YASHA PART 7 #6 (Of 8) $2.95
Somewhere in Japan, my oriental counterpart is making a "Inu Yasha? Inu Yo Mamma!" joke. The global fraternity of comic book list-joke columnists. I'm union.
IRISH OF THE JUNGLE #1 $9.95
Great, some Irish guy puking on a tiger. That’s just the comic book I’ve been waiting for. Thanks.
IRON WOK JAN GN #2 $9.95
JOJOS BIZARRE ADVENTURE #6 $7.99
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE ILLUSTRATED #18 $2.99
KODT EVERKNIGHTS #4 $2.99
LAUGH DIGEST #181 $2.39
LEGENDARY COUPLE GN #2 $13.95
LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE LITTLE WORKER $9.50
MAHORABA MANGA #3 $11.99
MEGA DRAGON & TIGER GN #2 $13.95
MONSTER HIGH MINI SERIES SET $7.50
MONTHLY COMIC DRAGON DEC 2002 $12.50
MONTHLY MAGAZINE Z JAN 2003 $9.99
NEGATION #14 $2.95
What is NEGATION about, I wonder? Let’s look at the solicitation from everyone’s favorite… somebody’s favorite… well, anyway, CrossGen:
“Trapped in a twisted universe ruled by the Negation Empire, an ordinary man named Obregon Kaine-“ Okay, that’s enough. Yeah, the ordinary man named OBREGON KAINE -- I think we can stop there.
This issue features a bad drawing of a half-naked woman on the cover. CrossGen -- always breaking new ground, man. Looking at the preview art -- is there a rule that every CrossGen comic ever has to start with about 4 pages of dense narration? Why?
NINJA HIGH SCHOOL #102 $3.50
PEACH #6 (A) $10.99
POISON ELVES PARINTACHIN SET $7.50
PRIVATE BEACH #7 $2.95
PROJECT ARMS PART 1 #5 (Of 16) $3.25
QUEEN & COUNTRY #13 (MR) $2.95
This is usually a great book, and I believe this starts Carla … the FINDER girl, right? I don’t read FINDER -- no interest in it at all, so I’m looking forward to seeing what the hubbub about this artist is. Carla… shit, had it; lost it. I hear she’s good, and she has three names. Which for a while was the hot thing in names, remember? All those WB actresses -- they all had that third name going. For a few months there, that was really hot. I wonder what got into everybody.
RAIJIN COMICS #6 (MR) $4.95
RANMA 1/2 VOL 21 TP $15.95
RAYEARTH SPECIAL GN BOX SET COLLECTION VOL 1 (OF 2) (PU#552) $29.99
RED PROWLING DEVIL GN #2 $9.95
REVOLVING HAMMER #1 (O/A) $8.95
RGA MAGAZINE #6 (MR) $9.90
SABRINA VOL 2 #41 $2.19
SAIYUKI RELOAD MANGA #1 $14.99
SERIAL EXPERIMENTS LAIN AN OMNIPRESENCE IN WIRED HC (O/A) $70.95
SEVEN OF SEVEN MANGA #2 $8.99
SEVEN OF SEVEN MANGA #3 $8.99
SHONEN ACE MAGAZINE JAN 2003 $8.99
SHOTGUN HARKER #1 $5.95
SIGIL #32 $2.95
So, this is written by “All Man” Chuck “the media seems intent on bringing [homosexuality] into my home and nothing short of cutting the electricity and boarding the windows will stop it” Dixon. The anti-Winnick, if you will. Let’s take a look how All Man writes a comic, according to the solicitation:
“Humanity's last hope for survival is a grizzled space-soldier with a second chance at glory! After centuries of interstellar warfare, the humans of the Planetary Union have a new weapon against the man-eating Saurians.”
Man-eating? How are they man-eating? Well, I’m sure it’s good, old fashioned … man-eating? Wait… what else does this solicitation say:
“Sam is re-united with Zanni and the crew of the Bitterluck.”
Bitterluck… Bitterluck… what is it about the word Bitterluck, do you think? Something not right, but what? Oh, I see:
You can’t spell BITTERLUCK without B-U-T-T-L-I-C-K.
Folks, I’m sorry to have to report this, but: I think the homosexuals “got” Chuck Dixon. Why they would WANT Chuck Dixon, I’m not sure, but he is All Man, after all. Apparently Chuck didn’t board those windows like he said he was going to. Should’ve boarded the windows, Chuck.
SOJOURN #19 $2.95
STORM RIDERS GN #8 $13.95
STRANGERS IN PARADISE VOL III #55 $2.95
SUPER ROBOT COLL MANGA $18.99
SWITCH MANGA #1 $11.99
TENJO TENGE #8 (MR) $10.99
THIEVES & KINGS RIVERWOLF COMIC & CD $16.50
VAGABOND #15 (MR) $4.95
VALENTINE FULLY LOADED PACK $12.95
VALKYRIE PROFILE #3 $8.99
VAMPIRE YUI VOL 5 #1 $2.95
WARHAMMER MONTHLY #64 $3.50
WEAPONS OF THE GODS GN #4 $13.95
WEEKLY JUMP 12-02 WK 1 $4.99
WEEKLY JUMP 12-02 WK 2 $4.99
WEEKLY JUMP 12-04-02 $4.99
WEEKLY SHONEN MAG 11-22-02 $4.99
WEEKLY SHONEN MAG 11-29-02 $4.99
WEEKLY SHONEN MAG 12-02 WK 1 $4.99
WEEKLY SHONEN MAG 12-02 WK 2 $4.99
WXIII PATLABOR THE MOVIE 3 ANIME COMIC $29.99
YOU AND ME VOL 1 #3 $2.95
ZORA SHE VAMPIRE GN VOL 1 (MR) $9.50
CONCLUSION
I’m worried about Chuck Dixon.
If only Judd Winnick could have his masters negotiate Dixon’s release. Dixon doesn’t want to be writing about man-guzzling Saurians. He wants to be writing about Straight Fucking. I’d rather be writing about Straight Fucking, too, but Jeff Wells called dibs…
Ahhh, for information about our good friends at SHORT-BUS, you can contact shortbuscomics@aol.com.
For information about how to purchase me, if you are in fact one of the Big Five comic companies (being bought by ONI would be cute, but what are they going to pay me in SMITHS CDs? Pass…), you can click on E-Mail the Author below.
For information about how to purchase comic books… well, just don’t. Look what it’s done to me. Run while you still can.
In conclusion: Everyone at Ninth Art is my bitch.
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