By A.K.
January 9, 2003
Each week, Diamond Comics posts the New Comics Release List -- a weekly list of comics coming to a store near you this Wednesday.
Here, we have a snapshot of comics as they truly are, in all their Glory and their Gory.
I think the most important story in comic’s this week is the story about FUTURE COMICS. FUTURE COMICS is made up of the distilled essence of 1983 or so. Included in that story was this image, and I’m calling it here as what will go down as the most important story of 2003:
SUPERPOWERED MIDGET, Y’ALL!
Life is good.
He’s not the first, and he looks identical to Puck from ALPHA FLIGHT which is unfortunate, as Puck wasn’t the most handsome of midgets I’ve ever seen, but you know, that’s an underrepresented population in comics who deserves more. Them and Eskimos -- they never get the four-color love. Eskimos can’t fight crime? Eskimos could harpoon the shit out of crime. Eskimos could retreat to their Igloo of Solitude. Eskimos got exposed to a lot of radiation from Russian nuclear tests in their airspace in the 1950s and 1960s, true fact, so I think Marvel could very easily sell an X-KIMO comic. Eskimo fun-fact: color-blindness is almost unknown to the Eskimo population, at least the Asiatic(Siberian) Eskimo. So they got that going for them, which is nice.
But noooooo, all the white paranoia about Eskimo midgets harpooning your women keeps these two great peoples from getting the representation in comics that they deserve. Eskimo sad-fact: dying out because of alcoholism. Sad? Sad. Eskimo pathetic fact: this whole paragraph exists just because X-KIMO was the best idea for this column I’ve, like, ever had EVER. I’m so insanely proud. I’m RED with pride…???
What color do you turn from pride? You turn green from envy. You turn blue from being sad. You turn red with anger or embarrassment. Purple is the color of horny and Roman emperors, which seems like a coincidence, but who knows? Yellow is a coward and/or Fu Manchu. You turn black from … I don’t know, leprosy? EMOTIONAL leprosy? Happy, I think, is grape. What color do you turn from pride? Pride needs a color. It’s actually as if pride has no pride by not having a color. Pride doesn’t think its worth a color? Man, even our emotions associated with high self esteem have low self-esteem. Americans are so neurotic… I blame the Puritans. Color-blind puritans. Now, see, if America were founded by Eskimo, who are almost never color-blind, we wouldn’t be having these problems all these years later, goddammit!
While I’m talking about anything else but comic books, midgets hate being called midgets. That’s like a racial slur to them. I don’t know why, but I think they prefer little people. If I were of short stature, I’d rather be called a midget than a little person. A little person sounds like I should be baking lucky charms, or I should be magically delicious. Wait, I’M MAGICALLY DELICIOUS ALREADY. I AM SOMEBODY! Fuck Pride and fuck the Puritans -- I’m all about the high self-esteem, bitches! I am somebody!
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
The opinions contained within do not reflect those of Kevin Smith or any other member of the Movie Poop Shoot staff--- -- past, present or future--- -- including possibly the author's own, and should not be taken too seriously.
INTRODUCTION
GAME ON!
So I ended last year despairing that comic creators and comic publishers were going to avoid using the Internet as the public toilet it truly is. I thought, “Oh they’ve become too savvy -- there’s been too many flare-ups and dust-ups and fuck-ups for people to start talking crazy shit about one another or going crazy again like they did in the old days. It’ll become corporate and dry and dull, any day now.”
And yet, here we are in the two-oh-oh-three -- I think Duck Season just started!
Rich Johnston’s column, man -- I check that thing every week so HOPEFUL because if someone goes nuts, he’ll catch it. He’s on TOP of it. I don’t know how -- man’s just got his finger on the pulse. The crazy, crazy pulse. Love that column, and for me, it’s like hockey or really drunk girls – it’s all about the fights.
So, first up, there’s Jeph Loeb, writer of the #1 comic book in the country BATMAN (?), as well as a little comic book called SUPERMAN. Apparently, writing the #1 comic book in the company doesn’t guarantee happiness the way they told us in grade school. Here’s the following quote from Loeb(and I’m going to add some bold-facing so you can get the full-effect IMAX version) to someone who apparently doesn’t love the SUPERMAN quite enough:
“[Y]ou are only filled with hate. Hate for the very thing people come this board to enjoy. Superman. Maybe these stories aren't to your taste, but there are an awful lot of folks who disagree with you. You've made your point. You hate what is happening to 'your' Superman. We get it. You are, quite simply, an awful human being."
Man, that’s the best thing I’ve ever read from Jeph Loeb! That’s better than any of his comics, that’s for sure. It’s that “quite simply” which sells it. Lesser writers would have gone on and on; I’m living proof of that. Loeb just lets the “quite simply” speak for itself. Professional. Unfortunately, the thread it’s from got deleted by DC, so we can’t get the full effect, but… More on this below, because that’s really the #2 story (#3 if you count the superdwarf hereinabove).
#1/#2: Catfight 2003 between Peter David and Joe Quesada! Goddamn, Peter David is like the Russell Crowe of comics. Not so much in the “women ask to be fucked by his Oscar” way, perhaps. Well, not to my knowledge. Well, just plain no, Peter David doesn’t have an Oscar, and nobody wants to get fucked by an Eisner. Well, Will Eisner probably feels differently, but he’s old and probably would have misinterpreted what I meant. And does Peter David have an Eisner to fuck with? Maybe it got blown apart in the war like in the SUN ALSO RISES. Wait, what the hell does that even mean??? And why did they make me read that book in high school? What was I supposed to get from that one again? Oh yeah: never have your dick blown off in the war because then you won’t be able to fuck Brett Ashley. Great -- thanks for that life lesson, high school…Or wait, was it: it’s a good thing to have your dick blown off in the war because then Brett Ashley won’t be able to fuck you and then leave you for a handsome Spanish bullfighter. Hmm. I can’t tell -- I guess that’s why it’s in the great literature section of Stuckey’s Book-o-Rama, where I do all my literature shopping.
ANYWAY: No matter what day of the week it is, I can count on the sun shining (SO CAL! 80 DEGREES!), on water being wet, and on either Peter David or Russell Crowe being in a catfight or bar brawl or cage match of some sort. It’s always fight night when David comes to town. PAD -- the A stands for “Always fightin’.” The guy gets in a lot of fights, is what it seems like.
Maybe he’s the victim every time out. Maybe he’s not the Russell Crowe of comics so much as the Belgium of comics. Belgium: it’s right between France and Germany because God hates Belgians. I mean, if I were Belgian, here’s what I’d do: GET THE FUCK OUT OF BELGIUM -- IT’S RIGHT BETWEEN FRANCE AND GERMANY. That’s not a good place to be geographically or historically. Maybe David is right between Quesada and Germany. Maybe they all touch each other. Maybe it’s one big fat Germanic sex sandwich. Man, Germans are fucked-up....
If Peter David is Belgium, what are his waffles? Hmmm, yes -- very zen. If you meditate on that particular koan for a half-hour, I think you could snatch this issue of Peter David’s SUPERGIRL from my hand, grasshopper. You don’t want the issue of SUPERGIRL in my hand? Yeah, can’t say I blame you…
ANYWAY, yeah, Peter David is feuding with Joe Quesada, and by feuding, that is to mean, Quesada basically laid some unholy SMACK down onto David. You can go to Rich’s to read the whole thing, but let’s just skip to the low blow: “Even John Byrne had class enough to leave a situation he wasn't happy with."
Damn…
That shit’s LOW, dog. I mean, cancel a guy’s comics, but leave the “you’re like John Byrne” shit out of it. Keep it above the belt. KEEP IT ABOVE THE BELT, MAN. When the Cobra Kai guy wants you to sweep Daniel Larusso’s leg -- you can say no to the Cobra Kai dojo, and we won’t think any less of you. It’s like Miyagi-san says, man, “No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher. In Okinawa, all Miyagi know two things: fish and karate.” Fish and karate, Quesada -- no need to bring John Byrne into this. Fish and karate.
What happened: Quesada doesn’t like Peter David writing a column CRITICAL of Marvel while WORKING for Marvel.
Peter David had the superior position on this one, by which I mean the same one as mine, which is: “IT’S ONLY FUCKING COMIC BOOKS!” He didn’t state it as well, though, I’m afraid -- there’s this extended metaphor about softball that’s a chore to slog through. If you HAD to read something by Peter David, I’d recommend something from the “Gray Hulk being chased around the country Dale Keown” era of HULK or maybe that weird titty-and-Barney comic he did with George Perez, SACHS AND VIOLENS (titty and Barney…I don’t remember even why, so no point in asking); not so much this softball thing.
That having been said, seems Quesada’s being silly. Seriously: who reads Peter David’s column??? (Hell, who reads ANY of these columns? Who ARE you and why aren’t you doing something more vital with your life?) I mean, I just went to his website to even see if you can get his column off his website, and seriously, he’s talking about how STAR TREK 2: WRATH OF KHAN is derivative of MOBY DICK! I couldn’t write a parody to touch that. His link list is titled “OTHER NEAT LINKS” -- NEAT! He’s got me out-foxed at every turn! In France, they’d call him “Le Renarde,” and he would be hunted with only his cunning to protect him…
Why would anyone in charge of the creative vision of the biggest comic book companies in North America give a fuck about WRATH OF KHAN?
David lists off the columns he’s written about Marvel -- all of which were, according to him, positive. (Though there’s no mention of if there’s been any sort of backhanded compliment or condescending one-liner in any of the OTHER columns, so who knows without seeing the columns?) You know, I’d love to get a specific impression of what he WROTE that was so bad, but by his spin on it, at least, he’s been, at worse, an apologist for Marvel.
You know, ultimately, I think it probably just comes down to this bit from Quesada: “Something he does has always bothered me and many of the freelancers I've known in my 12 years in comics.” Peter David just gets to people. He gets under people’s skin, dude. Just under their skin. Is that a scabie? No, it’s Peter David.
I was afraid, though, that comic creators would realize that putting all this on the Internet isn’t good for anybody except ugly-souled ghouls like me who enjoy this sort of crazy shit more than we enjoy the actual comics themselves. I mean, you don’t need a REASON not to hire somebody -- you just hire them or don’t hire them. I thought the crazy days would be cordoned off in some velvet rope creator’s only clusterfuck site, and we’d never see crazy shit the likes of this ever again…
But no, here we are -- all up in the dirty laundry. 2003, brother -- we’re off to a bang.
DIAMOND COMIC SAYS
Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: January 8
The following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for availability.
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
DARK HORSE
OCT020043 FELIX THE CAT COASTER SET $12.99
NOV020018 GRENDEL GOD & THE DEVIL #0 (MR) $3.50
This is the only comic book Dark Horse is putting out this week. Keep in mind -- they’re one of the PREMIER publishers. They have at least, what, a 5% market share -- isn’t that how it works? And it’s all based on one comic, this week. There’s GRENDEL and there’s a single overpriced FELIX THE CAT coaster set, and then there’s the following…
OCT020069 OH MY GODDESS 4 HEADS BLACK T/S LG $17.99
OCT020068 OH MY GODDESS 4 HEADS BLACK T/S M $17.99
OCT020070 OH MY GODDESS 4 HEADS BLACK T/S XL $17.99
OCT020071 OH MY GODDESS 4 HEADS BLACK T/S XXL $19.99
OCT020067 OH MY GODDESS 4 HEADS WOMANS WHITE T/S LG $17.99
OCT020066 OH MY GODDESS 4 HEADS WOMANS WHITE T/S M $17.99
OCT020065 OH MY GODDESS 4 HEADS WOMANS WHITE T/S S $17.99
OCT020055 OH MY GODDESS ANGEL WHITE T/S LG $17.99
OCT020054 OH MY GODDESS ANGEL WHITE T/S M $17.99
OCT020056 OH MY GODDESS ANGEL WHITE T/S XL $17.99
OCT020057 OH MY GODDESS ANGEL WHITE T/S XXL $19.99
What am I supposed to say about any of that? I have nothing I can possibly say about any of that. COME ON, Dark Horse -- I depend on you.
Dark Horse? Dark Horse? What’s going on, Dark Horse? I took Dark Horse for granted. I said to myself, “Dark Horse will be putting out things besides OH MY GODDESS merchandise to make fun in the years to come.” Only now do I truly realize how much the Bettie Page coaster set or the Popeye tea cozy meant to me. It’s sort of like that movie SWEET NOVEMBER only it’s January, and Dark Horse isn’t played by extremely hot South African pothead Charlize Theron.
Did you ever see those photos of Charlize Theron smoking out of an apple bong? She’s in her backyard -- some papparazi fuck got these photos god knows how, but backyard pool party smoking out of an apple. It was a big news story a couple years ago on a slow news day. That photo’s seriously a THOUSAND times better than REINDEER GAMES, believe me -- hell, I prefer it to CIDER HOUSE RULES (Good night you princes of new England, you preachy overrated Miramax Oscar bait). If Dark Horse put out more comics about Charlize Theron and her apple bong fighting crime or the Aliens or whatever, I’d be a bigger fan. I wouldn’t have taken Dark Horse for granted. Alas…
DC COMICS
OCT020813 100 BULLETS #41 (MR) $2.50
I probably shouldn’t talk about this last batch of issues since a lot of 100 BULLETS readers read by trades, but like I was saying last time, Brian Azzarello -- the way he approaches this comic is so TIGHT. A lot of people do single-issue stories, and you can hear them think, “Yay, time to Fuck Around!” And I love that. I love watching the Fuck Around usually -- those are where my favorite issues for people are. But this last batch of single issue stories, they’ve really managed to make the single issue stories feel very vital, very integral, as important as the 5-issue arcs. It caught me off-balance. And just great colors in this comic -- Patricia Mulvihill’s always so GOOD, month after month; everyone involved with this comic is just so damn good.
Speaking of taking things for granted, man, I used to take this comic for granted. I always liked it, but … I used to mind how unreal this comic felt. Every girl in the comic’s incredibly beautiful, everything’s very lurid in its details, the violence is very over-the-top, the premise is colorful, the comic’s bigger than life -- and I used to mind that, that it didn’t feel real, that it was “unrealistic.”
But lately, I’ve just been in this phase where I want my COMIC BOOKS to just be COMIC BOOKS. I can’t really explain it, but … I don’t want them to be books on paper, or movies only with drawings instead. I want them to be comic books at the moment -- I want them to be a little over the top, and bigger than life, and lurid. And this isn’t just all that, but it’s all that without sacrificing tone or humanity, without it seeming like … satire or parody of a “real” crime comic.
I hate trying to write these sorts of reviews. The “praise” reviews.
I sort of unrealistically believe in negative reviews. I think you can dissect -- “well, this bit didn’t work because there was nothing to lead us to believe that XY or Z, or the plot was illogical in so far as…” A negative review is as arbitrary an expression of taste as a positive review, but I do just sort of believe in them anyway. But positive reviews -- why would you trust a positive review? It’s so much more mysterious to me why you like something than why something doesn’t work for you. You can’t dissect it down the same way because its about not about which component isn’t working anymore -- its about how all the components have managed to come together successfully for you…
Speaking of reviewing, every New Years Day, January 1st, I try to go see a movie. This year it was CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND. You know, I think this movie would have gotten better reviews if anyone besides George Clooney had directed it. Because Clooney directed it, I think reviewers just looked at it like “Oh, look at the famous actor! Isn’t that cute? Good boy! Roll over!” I think they must be treating it as if he performed a stunt instead of made a damn good movie -- like he’s Evel Knieval or a circus seal. I haven’t read a lot of the reviews, but I thought that was a damn sight better than most of what the big name directors put forward this year. I didn’t see 8 MILE, but …
NOV020748 AQUAMAN #2 $2.50
So, the question you might have -- how is DC going to get anyone in their right mind to care about AQUAMAN? Here’s what the whiz-kids came up with. As you may remember, under the aforementioned Peter David’s run on AQUAMAN (who had to quit the book because, surprise, he was fighting with his editors) -- Aquaman had… hold on, let me compose myself…
Aquaman had his hand bitten off by ill-tempered piranha, so he replaced it with a harpoon to complement his new “tough-guy of the 90’s” attitude.
Do I have to keep typing this column? Haven’t you gotten enough for your comedy dollar right there, being reminded of that? ILL-TEMPERED PIRAHNA! And this is one of the SUCCESSFUL writers in comic books. This isn’t one of the legions of failures -- this is a guy who’s survived comics for years(at least until whatever this weird shit is that’s happening now). Ill-tempered piranha. Anyway, that run of comics didn’t really work out, so what’s DC and new writer Rick Veitch going to do now?
They’ve replaced Aquaman’s missing hand with a blue hand which I think is supposed to be made of water. They’ve given Aquaman an AQUAHAND! For comic fans who thought the HULK wasn’t a transparent enough masturbation metaphor (First I get angry, and then I get REALLY big!) AQUAHAND? I’m just imagining some teenage kid thinking, “It’d be like fucking the greatest waterbed ever. Whoa, dude.” And then the teenage kid I’m imagining takes another hit off Charlize Theron’s apple bong. I have a healthy imagination.
I came across a website in my research that may help you understand this development in AQUAMAN history -- it seems like THE definitive Aquaman comic review site as it has reviews of the last seventeen years of Aquaman comics (well, it also includes reviews of Aquaman comics from 1962-1977 and a few reviews of comics, albeit more sporadically, from, ah, 1950, 1951, 1956, 1957, 1961, and, of course, the early 1940’s.).
Here’s a little bit of the analysis of issue #1: “Ok, let's start with the three page dream sequence that opens the book. Lots of images here, two of them strike me as wrong. First nitpick: Arthur Curry, the lighthouse keeper, had a beard (as shown in Legend of Aquaman). The bottom right panel of the first page looks odd because of that. Second nitpick: Kako was an eskimo who followed the traditional ways. She would never have worn a shirt like shown on the second page panel in Aquaman's presence. There wasn't any time in their relationship for that anyway (as seen in Time and Tide #3). Someone should have given the artist and editor copies of Time and Tide and Legend of Aquaman for reference. Luckily, those are fairly minor nits that only an Aquaman fan like myself would pick up on.”
Wow, I feel like Streep in ADAPTATION: wouldn’t you love to be as passionate about anything in your life ever as this guy is about Aquaman?? I mean, he’s not as crazy as comic fans get by any means. He realizes his “nits” are “minor nits.” He’s an enthusiast. I mean no disrespect -- I admire the passion. But still … Arthur Curry has a beard? Does Arthur Curry not know how to SHAVE his beard? Maybe Arthur Curry’s beard was chewed off by ill-tempered sea bass… I hope the reviewer doesn’t mind me linking over. It’s the Eskimo reference that clinched it really. How could I resist? An Eskimo that followed the traditional ways! THE LAST ESKIMO VIRGIN -- fuck AQUAMAN, that’s the fucking comic book I want to read.
NOV020719 BATMAN LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT #163 $2.50
AUG020302 BATMAN OVERSIZED POSTER BY ALEX ROSS $19.95
Does it come with the OVERSIZED EGO BY ALEX ROSS, too?
Speaking of painters, it’s too late for this to do anyone any good, but the Motion Pictures Academy of Arts and Sciences and Chugging Overrated Oscarbait Dick -- the Oscar people -- had an exhibit that ended on Sunday for Dante Ferretti. I caught it the last day, unfortunately, so I can’t really send anyone over there, but Ferretti was the production designer on CASINO, KUNDUN, GANGS OF NEW YORK, INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE, BARON MUNCHHAUSEN, Julie Taymor’s really fucked-up TITUS. His art for those movies are these huge pieces that are packed with information but rendered very simply -- none of the good pieces are anywhere on the internet, unfortunately, so I can’t really explain by showing any of it except the minor piece above which for some reason is one of the only things on the Academy’s website. Especially with the care the Academy lavished on this exhibit -- a terrific exhibit that has unfortunately already ended.
See, I’m not that impressed by Ross. A painting’s not supposed to look like a photograph. That’s why we HAVE photographs. Work like Ferretti’s is all about communication, communicating the vision of truly great directors like a Martin Scorcese or a Terry Gilliam, instead of detail for the sake of detail -- the difference is palpable. And I grant you -- Ferretti’s designs weren’t meant to be consumed as the end product as an artist in comic’s work is, but at the same time, a lot of manpower has to get coordinated to realize the designs so they do have their own importance…
Anyway: amazing exhibit that I found out about too late to actually tell anyone to go to.
NOV020751 DOOM PATROL #16 $2.50
NOV020795 FABLES #9 (MR) $2.50
NOV020780 GEN 13 #5 $2.95
OCT020767 GREEN ARROW #20 $2.50
NOV020732 HARLEY QUINN #28 $2.50
NOV020758 HAWKMAN #11 $2.50
NOV020799 HELLBLAZER HAUNTED TP (MR) $12.95
A haunted teepee? Man, that'd be a great place for a casino.
You thought this’d be another 10-page ramble about Eskimos, didn’t you? Sort of lost control over this week so far, haven’t I? Just keep rambling and rambling and rambling this week. Won’t shut up? Will not shut up? Will shut up at some point, but that point remains in the future? Will shut up for a minor league player to be named later?
NOV020762 JSA #44 $2.50
NOV020776 SCOOBY-DOO #68 $2.25
NOV020788 STORMWATCH TEAM ACHILLES #7 (MR) $2.95
NOV020744 SUPERMAN & BATMAN GENERATIONS III #1 (Of 12) $2.95
AUG025136 SUPERMAN 10 CENT ADVENTURE CUSTOMIZED EDITION PI
The Jeph Loeb thing -- let me get back to the Jeph Loeb thing while I’m writing 50,000 word essays on every goddamn topic that crosses my path…
Anyway, I’m no expert on these things but do you really want to piss off the guy who wrote COMMANDO? Jeph Loeb fun-fact: Jeph Loeb wrote or co-wrote the movie COMMANDO, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, an almost-ripe Alyssa Milano (13 at the time so not quite yet but soon), Rae Dawn Chong, the great Dan Hedaya, and featuring the following bit of dialogue heaven: “Attention all units, emergency on theater level, suspect six foot two, brown hair. He is one gigantic motherfucker!”
I’d leave the guy who wrote COMMANDO alone. First of all, that means he’s equally capable of writing COMMANDO 2, and NOBODY wants that. Secondly, he could still have Arnold’s phone number -- send Arnold after you. Arnold’s still the Terminator, after all. The wheezy, old, broken-down, wrinkled Terminator.
Have you seen the ads for TERMINATOR 3? I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it every week until it comes out, but seriously, please explain: HOW DOES A ROBOT GET OLD? Because Arnold looks seriously fucking old in that movie.
I’d be there opening day if the movie were about an old Terminator, adjusting to retired life. ABOUT TERMINATOR, if you will. I’d love to see a movie about an old Terminator. If Terminator was like “Get those damn kids off Terminator’s lawn! Terminator’s arthritis is acting up! John Connor -- help me program VCR to tape Matlock! Terminator needs to lie down -- Terminator’s back problems, MALFUNCTION MALFUNCTION, Terminator’s chiropractor out of town this week. Yay, kids -- Terminator gets into movie at half-price. You cut my social security benefits? I’ll be back! Terminator doesn’t understand why all the movies need to have swear words now. Why does Terminator’s grandkids not come over more? Terminator doesn’t approve of way John Connor raise them. Terminator doesn’t want to live in old person’s home! Terminator is too independent. Terminator remembers things just fine.” I’m enjoying writing this paragraph SO much more than you’re enjoying reading this, believe me…
It would be the greatest movie EVER. Well, got a little depressing there at the end when Terminator’s kids try to shove him into a home, but movies need the smiles and the tears…
How are they going to explain why the robot’s old??? Is Skynet just building them using cheaper parts now? Is Skynet using cheap Thai labor now too? Man, everybody uses cheap Thai labor nowadays. When even the cyborg rulers of Earth are using cheap Thai labor, that’s saying something. If Nike uses cheap Thai labor, that’s one thing. But Nike never created a super-intelligent computer which took over the planet and sent out robots that look like Austrians to decimate the remaining pockets of human civilization. Shit, Nike only wishes they could do that.
Man, I wonder if I could get cheap Thai labor to write this column for me… Or hell, I just should start some third-world comic book empire ala Kurtz in APOCALYPSE NOW. I don’t think the natives would mind. You know, in the early days of comics, the artists didn’t have it all cushy like they do now. If you showed the artists of today how they worked back then, I’m sure they’d be screaming, “Where’s the PlayStation? Where’s the marijuana? Somebody get me John Broome’s phone number!” But cheap Thai labor don’t need PlayStation. They’re just happy to be working. I’d run a humane sweat shop -- don’t get me wrong. I’d sit there banging drums like in the movie BEN HUR, only instead of “RAMMING SPEED” I’d have to say something more comic book specific, like … “BIGGER TITS” or “FIGHT THE MUGGER”… It’d be very BEN HUR, only without Charlton Heston acting all gay. Unless Heston wanted to, at which point, I’m not going to stop him. I saw BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE -- Heston is one heavily armed, senile motherfucker…
NOV020738 SUPERMAN THE 10 CENT ADVENTURE $0.10
Nah. I’ll keep the dime. I’m telling you -- I don’t trust this 10 cent things. Think about how valuable your TIME’s worth. If you only pay 10 cents to buy the thing, that means you only value the time you spend reading it at … 10 cents? Self-esteem, remember? Stay with me.
JUL020210 THUNDER AGENTS ARCHIVES VOL 1 HC $49.95
JUL020269 THUNDER AGENTS ARCHIVES VOL 1/DYNAMO STATUE SPECIAL OFFER $175.00
JUL020270 THUNDER AGENTS DYNAMO STATUE $149.95
NOV020806 VERTIGO POP LONDON #3 (Of 4) (MR) $2.95
NOV020807 WAR STORY CONDORS (MR) $4.95
You know, these are both probably going to be really good and really worth more attention than they’re getting.
VERTIGO POP LONDON is a terribly entertaining comic book from Peter Milligan and Phillip Bond, doing one of the best rock and roll related comics I’ve ever seen. Rather than do something about being in the upcoming band, which is what everyone does, they’re talking about the icons in decline -- the used-to-be-great superstar rock stars still pretending they’re in their 20s. What’s striking is how all of the characters in the comic have come to life in their own way. The comic doesn’t reveal it, but you get the impression all of the characters have their own inner lives -- its not an impression you get from a lot of 4-issue mini-series. Halfway in, I really desperately hope Milligan and Bond can keep up the level of quality they hit on the first two issues.
And WAR STORY is Garth Ennis’s series of irregular one-shot war comics. The last two have been excellent, featuring terrific artists like Cam Kennedy and Dave Lloyd (this time out, Carlos Ezquerra, who’s terrific) -- great artists who are always a treat to watch. Apparently this is Ennis’s major post-PREACHER serious work. I liked PREACHER a little, but I’ve never been fond of Ennis’s sense of humor; this work is, consequently, far more preferable to what I like I from the guy.
OCT020782 WILL EISNERS NAME OF THE GAME SC $19.95
NOV020791 ZERO GIRL FULL CIRCLE #3 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95
IMAGE
SEP021161 DEFIANCE #5 $2.95
DEFIANCE is to comic book titles what Rosie O’Donnell hitting on Tom Cruise incessantly on her television show is to gay people. I’m not sure why exactly, but that’s what it reminds me of. Like, we know you like to munch rug DEFIANCE -- you can call your comic whatever you want, and pretend JERRY MAGUIRE does whatever it supposedly does to your hoo-hah. We know you’re going to be elbow deep into some production assistant as soon as we turn around.
OCT021761 POWERS #27 (MR) $2.95
Buying this. Where is this going? This is a strange arc, compared to usual. I’m not quite sure where this one’s going. It feels like a bit of a departure from earlier issues in some way, but I couldn’t tell you how.
NOV021790 TOMB RAIDER JOURNEYS #9 (Of 12) $2.99
SEP021231 VIOLENT MESSIAHS LAMENTING PAIN GOSSETT CVR #2 (Of 4) $2.95
SEP021230 VIOLENT MESSIAHS LAMENTING PAIN RODRIGUEZ CVR #2 (Of 4) $2.95
NOV021797 WITCHBLADE PRISMATIC FOIL CVR #41 PI
MARVEL
More big news from Marvel is the price increase on the comics. Which -- I accept that comics cost more now. You can’t have a low readership numbers without high prices -- if more people read comics, the price would decrease perhaps (that’s why newspapers are cheap) (my grasp on this end of comics has never been great). Why anyone would want to be in the SELLING CHEAP COMICS business, I don’t know, but… I accept price increases. Movies keep going up in price too -- I keep going to the movies. (Though you know, you can get a LOT of manga online for free if you want scanlations, which isn’t a topic I’ve seen many other comic columnists mention too much).
But looking at the list of Marvel books who’s price is going up (and hence, for whom there’s an immediate threat of cancellation) -- here’s the complete list (with the issue number of the price increase): Agent X #10, Black Panther #57, Captain Marvel #8, Exiles #25, Iron Man # 67, Marville # 7, Soldier X # 10, Spider-Girl # 59,Thor # 62, Thunderbolts # 78, Ultimate Adventures # 5, Weapon X # 8, and X-Statix #10.
Well, SOLDIER X is already effectively cancelled for me with the current creative team leaving. And X-STATIX … I wish people were responding to X-STATIX, so I’m very disappointed to see it on this list.
But as for the rest… well, why shouldn’t these books be just cancelled instead of this dance around comic book costs? Just cancel them. SPIDER-GIRL’s audience isn’t going to GROW somehow, not in this market. Look, one of the things DC does right, is it puts the characters away for a while and brings them back at least a little bit fresh, rather than trying to keep AQUAMAN alive no matter what. Just put them away. What harm will it do anyone? None of these books have much of a secondary market for them -- how interested are bookstores in IRON MAN? I mean, I wouldn’t be happy in the slightest way if X-STATIX got cancelled -- I’d be pissed off. But… you know, their business end didn’t do as great a job as Milligan or Allred did on that comic book. They launched it as X-FORCE instead of giving the book its own #1, and then the first issue was heavily under-ordered (I know -- I couldn’t get a copy), which because of Marvel policy means lots of people never saw it. Media attention’s been directed by Marvel to lesser books like FURY. Furthermore, as was pointed out to me, maybe fans of quality comics just plain don’t want to read an X-Comic no matter what, even if you do get two of the best people in comics to do one that’s really smart and really current. I’d be pissed off, but I understand why the book is maybe struggling.
Dancing around with 74-cent cost increases -- just cancel the books that aren’t working and free up resources to try something new. If there are talented people on those books -- I’d hate for anyone to lose their jobs, but look -- they’re going to lose those jobs anyways by virtue of being on a book no one’s going for. If they’re truly talented people, give them a shot to put something new out there that someone will actually respond to instead of laboring away on something that’s had its chance and hasn’t hit. Those books have been AROUND. They’re not hit books. You don’t become a hit comic after 78 issues of THUNDERBOLTS…
NOV022058 BLACK PANTHER #53 $2.50
NOV022072 CALL OF DUTY VOL 2 TP $9.99
NOV022013 DAREDEVIL #41 PI
Well, I think this came out last week, but I don’t know what PI means. DAREDEVIL PI? Daredevil’s moving to Hawaii to hang out with Tom Selleck? Daredevil, Tom Selleck, and Foggy take care of a baby while avoiding angry cocaine dealers? That’s a reference to THREE MEN AND A LITTLE BABY, the lead character of which was played by Tom Selleck (and yeah, I’m pretty sure there was a cocaine dealer subplot to the movie) -- here’s the interesting fact about that movie, and why I’m bothering to identify the reference: top grossing movie of 1987, beating FATAL ATTRACTION. Wait, have I mentioned this before? I’ve mentioned this before, haven’t I? Why am I obsessed with this fact? It’s a startling fact. And just think, if this was the highest grossing movie in 1987, then its any day now that FUTURE COMICS might throw a reference to the movie into one of their comics to stay “hip” for the kids…
NOV022064 DAREDEVIL LEGENDS VOL 1 YELLOW TP $14.99
OCT022029 ELEKTRA #19 $2.99
NOV022028 HULK WOLVERINE 6 HOURS #1 (Of 4) $2.99
NOV022051 INCREDIBLE HULK #49 $2.25
Great cover -- a Maurice Sendak homage…
NOV022061 KILLRAVEN #4 (Of 6) $2.99
NOV022034 MEKANIX #4 (Of 6) $2.99
This sounds like a toy, like a cheap Lego knockoff. Everyone loves Legos, but those knock-offs -- I just imagine these eight-year old kids staring at these little plastic hoodads, screaming at their parents, "I don't want to be an engineer. Quit pressuring me!"
The biggest disappointment in comics in all of 2003, and I’m calling it here, again is from the FUTURE COMICS story, which is like the Revelations of Comics News Stories, isn’t it -- you can interpret it any way you want:
We could have had METALLIX comics going head to head with MEKANIX comics. But unless it comes out in the next two months… well, let’s all cross our fingers, for what would truly be a battle of the M-X MISSILES of comics(MX as in the first letter and last letter of both… yeah, didn’t work? Well, I had to try). Man, I wish I’d called Title Bout something like TITLE BOUX. That sounds so much better. A BOUX sounds like something you stir into your soup in Paris. I wish you’d stir me into your soup in Paris. Yeah, I’m coming onto you -- this is my way of sexually harassing you.
Man, I’d love to sue some comic columnist for sexual harassing me after I read their column -- “I was just trying to read the column about Captain America, but then I got the distinct impression Augie was COMING ONTO ME!” “Randy’s column was undressing me with its eyes! It was 4/10 Highly Demeaning!” I’d love to get them on the stand and see them pretend like “Hey, I was just -- you know Captain America’s shield is made of a very hard material, that’s all I was saying.” And then I’d break them like Cruise-Nicholson at the end of a FEW GOOD MEN. Fuck yeah!
The problem is most comic columns just haven’t been sex-citing enough for any of us to get sued -- sad but true. Well, it starts here, people. I’m going to get it started, and then it’s all on Alan Doane or Alasdair Watson or somebody to keep that good love coming. Think of it like hackey-sack. Filthy, filthy hackey-sack.
Around now, you’re probably asking yourself what’s the name of the bad guy in the METALLIX comic books going to be? Well, let me answer that for you: It’s going to be Max Krome.
Quit laughing. That’s not funny. QUIT LAUGHING. No, here’s the funny part about the METALLIX story. What’s Max Krome’s slimy CEO benefactor’s name? Why, it’s ARTHUR RATHROCK, of course.
ARTHUR RATHROCK! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH! 1987, y’all, in the hizhouse!
Huh, wait -- maybe METALLIX comics ARE coming out and I’ve never noticed. Oops. Man, to think all this time I’ve been missing out on the adventures of Arthur Rathrock and Max Krome and Chelsea Sinclaire and Kobe Tai and Briana Banks -- all my old favorites.
NOV022016 ULTIMATE DAREDEVIL & ELEKTRA #4 (Of 4) $2.25
NOV022023 ULTIMATE X-MEN #27 $2.25
NOV022070 UNCANNY X-MEN VOL I HOPE TP $12.99
Speaking of Hope, is Bob Hope dead yet? I like the Road To movies as much as the next guy, but every year there's a Bob Hope Death Scare. Did he die last year? I know there was a rumor that he was dying, and then there were denials that he was dying, and... it's like the Pentagon is waging some elaborate disinformation campaign about Bob Hope's death/lack thereof. He's got to be just hooked into all sorts of machinery. Which is the part the Japanese never show you -- all those giant robot cartoons with the teens driving the big robots? What they don't show you is all the elderly people roaming around Florida in giant robots, stomping the shit out of everything by accident. “Terminator can to drive just as good as young whippersnappers!” (It’s disgusting how much pleasure I get out of The Elderly Terminator). Hey, I don't want Bob Hope to die, but I don't want him to be a Gobot either -- that's all I'm saying.
NOV022031 X-TREME X-MEN #20 $2.99
WIZARD
NOV022253 TOYFARE BEST TOYS OF 2002 CVR #67 $4.99
RETRACTIONS, WITHDRAWLS, BOO-BOOS, FUCKUPS GALORE
Well, last week was the pretty hastily conceived Best Of list. Let me tell you, and listen close: NEVER write a Best Of the year list. It’s for the BIRDS, man. I’m sitting here all week, thinking shit like, “Oh man, I forgot to mention David Reese.” David Reese does the fucking BRILLIANT Get Your War On, the best, most deeply funny political comic in the country which also happens to be a brilliant, if too rarely updated webcomic (personal favorite of the last batch is the one with “When Tom Daschle called Paul Wellstone the ‘soul of the senate,’ did Wellstone yell down ‘Why don’t you try locating your goddamn soul, you spineless fucking worm?’ Or can’t you cuss in heaven?”)
You know what the most interesting omission on everyone’s Top Ten list may be is Kyle Baker’s KING DAVID. But I think the reason for that, as Doug TenNapel rightly points out, is that we all hate God. I think maybe that’s the reason. No, actually, I don’t have any idea why Kyle Baker’s not getting more props for that book -- it wasn’t my favorite work of his by any means at all, but I thought artistically he was doing some pretty interesting, sophisticated things… He’s always a bit ahead of the curve on integrating the computer into his comics work.
Lot of retractions -- Obviously, the best monthly comic is DAZZLER. The best Avengers are the West Coast Avengers. The worst comic ever is Maus. Ron Frenz is the great penciller ever. The best toys are whatever Michael Lau put out. The Tom Defalco FANTASTIC FOUR heals genital warts. The best anime ever made is FLCL. I give up. I don’t know anymore what the best anything was. I’ve lost all ability to discriminate. That’s what my week’s been like. Seriously, if you’re given the option, never write any such list. I take it all back.
NOV022252 TOYFARE DAREDEVIL MOVIE TOY CVR #67 $4.99
COMICS
OCT022411 3 LITTLE KITTENS DLX ED #3 (Of 3) $19.99
This fucking comic is on the list every goddamn week. What is this thing? $20 deluxe editions of a comic book I’ve never even seen. Let me go look for a website -- OOOOHH, it’s some Jim Balent big tit comic. You’ll remember Jim Balent as the guy who drew Catwoman’s breasts like circus big. He draws tits like there’s no tomorrow because for him… there IS no tomorrow. (What?) Apparently, he was creatively restrained on the CATWOMAN comic books because this -- the preview art I’m looking at for the COVERS -- the girls are holding their own tits. One is a catgirl who looks like she’s on the toilet -- no litter box for her! Self-esteem! Wow -- I have to move on because this is seriously some of the most atrocious shit. I mean, is it Greg Horn bad? No. (The sad thing about Greg Horn is that at one point he was a really talented guy, back on ESPERS? What happened to that guy?) But this is … the way he draws the female breast -- I think maybe Jim Balent believes that’s where babies come out. They’re not tits -- they’re gestation sacks. Ugh…. UGHHH… enough!
OCT022652 AMERIMANGA #1 $7.99
OCT022336 ARCHIE AND FRIENDS #66 $2.19
SEP022049 ARKANIUM #3 $2.95
OCT022390 BASEMENT COMICS AMRYL SAN DIEGO 2002 JAM BOOK CVR A $5.00
OCT022391 BASEMENT COMICS AMRYL SAN DIEGO 2002 JAM BOOK CVR B $5.00
OCT022267 BEST OF THE WEST #33 (Note Price) $6.95
OCT022338 BETTY #121 $2.19
OCT022341 BETTY & VERONICA DOUBLE DIGEST #112 $3.59
JUL022107 CHERRY COLL VOL 3 TP NEW PRTG (A) $16.00
OCT022764 DOGWITCH #3 (MR) $2.95
AUG021790 DOLL & CREATURE GN $12.95
AUG022038 DORK TOWER #21 $2.99
SEP021763 FEMZINE #2 (MR) $9.95
NOV022418 FORGE #10 $7.95
OCT022407 FUTURAMA SIMPSONS SPECIAL CROSSOVER CRISIS #2 (Of 2) $2.50
NOV022661 GENERAL MILLS CEREAL 1979 MARVEL SUPER HEROES GIVEAWAY $15.00
They’re charging $15 for a giveaway? That’s not really truth in advertising, is it?
OCT022705 GIRL SECOND COMING VOL 2 (A) $10.95
It’s only a girl, not Jesus. OH, wait, it’s a double entendre. The girl of the title isn’t agreeing to a second date with the loser who created this, an event which he’s comparing to Revelations, as I originally thought. No -- some made-up porno comic girls is multiorgasmic. Great. That’s -- that’s so hot, the odd proclivities of made up porno comic girls. God bless. For a minute, I thought a madman was going to rise in the east, and we were all going to be marked by the Beast(a.k.a. bar codes), and… Have you ever heard the Christians talk about that? I think that some believe that bar codes are the mark of the Beast, as predicted by Revelations. When what’s going on for you at K-MART is figuring into your view on the spiritual structure of the universe, something’s gone so seriously wrong. There’s no getting escape velocity from planet white trash at that point.
NOV022702 HOLLIDAY #4 $3.00
NOV022408 IMAGES ANNUAL #1 PI
NOV022662 INNOVATION COMICS GREATEST HITS SET #1 $9.95
OCT022474 JUNGLE FANTASY AL RIO CVR #1/2 $3.95
OCT022477 JUNGLE FANTASY AL RIO NUDE CVR #1/2 (MR) $6.00
My Jungle Fantasy does NOT involve Al Rio nude. Please, Mr. Rio, leave the sexual harassment to experts like myself and Mr. Don MacPherson. We don’t need your help. Don -- he’s a one man army like OMAC. You’re not necessary.
OCT022476 JUNGLE FANTASY MATT MARTIN CVR #1/2 $3.95
OCT022478 JUNGLE FANTASY MATT MARTIN NUDE CVR #1/2 (MR) $6.00
OCT022475 JUNGLE FANTASY RON ADRIAN CVR #1/2 $3.95
Ron Adrian won’t get naked like his buddies! Pussy! Come on, Adrian -- everybody’s doing it. Adrian’s the guy with the camera taking pictures of the other dudes? Sick.
OCT022797 KODOCHA VOL 5 SANAS STAGE GN (Of 10) $9.99
NOV022467 LODOSS WAR DEEDLITS TALE VOL 2 TP $15.95
AUG021898 MADAME TARANTULA SP ED CVR #0 PI
NOV022424 MYSTIC #32 $2.95
NOV022571 RAIJIN COMICS #5 (MR) $4.95
NOV022575 RGA MAGAZINE #5 (MR) $9.90
OCT022827 SHONEN JUMP VOL 1 #2 FEBRUARY 2003 $4.95
Buying this. I really enjoyed the first issue of this anthology, which offers the best value in all of comics. Speaking of good value in comics and issues about price and what have you. Look at the competition -- it’s manga. Manga dominates those shelves at the bookstores, man. Tokyopop keeps getting a better and better line-up -- I’m probably down for those LUPIN III collections that popped up a few weeks back. And this -- the value on this is huge; two of the comics are weak -- the YUGIOH thing and the YU YU HAKASHO one -- but the rest, the Toriyama stuff’s fun with great action, One Piece felt fun, I’m still looking forward to Naruto… it’s a solid collection at a GREAT per page price.
NOV022357 SONIC SUPER SPECIAL #10 (O/A) $2.29
NOV022358 SONIC SUPER SPECIAL #11 (O/A) $2.29
NOV022359 SONIC SUPER SPECIAL #12 (O/A) $2.49
NOV022360 SONIC SUPER SPECIAL #13 (O/A) $2.49
NOV022361 SONIC SUPER SPECIAL #14 (O/A) $2.49
NOV022362 SONIC SUPER SPECIAL #15 (O/A) $2.49
NOV022355 SONIC SUPER SPECIAL #8 (O/A) $2.25
NOV022356 SONIC SUPER SPECIAL #9 (O/A) $2.29
NOV022782 SPIDER HC SCAVENGERS OF SLAUGHTERED SACRIFICES $27.95
JUN022555 SPIRITED AWAY VOL 2 TP $9.95
JUL022342 SPIRITED AWAY VOL 3 TP $9.95
OCT022444 STUFF OUTA MY HEAD COLLECTORS ED HC (MR) $27.95
OCT022443 STUFF OUTA MY HEAD TP (MR) $10.95
Tell me about it…
NOV022560 SUPER HERO HAPPY HOUR #1 $3.00
Huh! Yeah, this is a light superhero comedy comic book about a bar that superheros go to on their break time. I picked this up in San Diego. You can find Chris Allen’s review HERE. It’s written by Dan L. Taylor, seemingly aiming for a light sitcom feel; the book is ably helped by reasonably able and minimal art by Chris Fason, and a great Scott Morse cover. The first issue relied too much on a series of entrances by too-recognizable comic clichés -- the targets of the humor are much too familiar, and while sitcoms may be all about character, there’s still some semblance of a story to them usually, which this unfortunately lacks. But the book has a good natured feel to it that some books like it sometimes miss -- the quiet, laid back is more refreshing than some of the indie superhero comedy books I’ve read, which usually go more for spazzy and overcooked. If they can get better with the “hanging out” feeling the comic’s aiming for, the lack of story could be more overlooked.
JUL021856 TIGRESS TALES #4 $2.95
AUG021899 TIGRESS TALES SP ED #4 PI
NOV022490 TRANSFORMERS WAR WITHIN #4 $2.95
AUG021818 VAMPI #24 DLX ED $9.95
AUG021817 VAMPI #24 REG ED $2.99
OCT022361 VESIL VOL 2 #1 (A) $2.95
OCT022524 WARLANDS VOL 3 #2 $2.95
SEP021872 WARREN ELLIS STRANGE KILLINGS BODY ORCHARD #5 (Of 6) (MR) $3.50
SEP021873 WARREN ELLIS STRANGE KILLINGS BODY ORCHARD #5 WRAPAROUND (OF $3.95
NOV022431 WAY OF THE RAT #9 $2.95
JUN022305 WHITE FLOWER DAY GN $14.95
SEP021839 YOUNGBLOOD #1 SAN DIEGO CON 2002 LTD ED $9.99
SEP021840 YOUNGBLOOD #1 SAN DIEGO CON 2002 LTD S&N ED $19.99
CONCLUSIONS
It’s been an exciting week in news stories, hasn’t it? It’s so exciting that I have to go read Paul Levitz’s interview to fall asleep now. Thank god for Levitz. He just wants you to be able to sleep good.
The super-powered midget -- he looks so MAD. Emp… Emp… wait a second -- THE MIDGET IN WILDCATS WAS NAMED EMP TOO!
Folks, oh my god, I’m just realizing this just now, so it’s like a fucking EPIPHANY, but…
Comics has TWO midgets with the same name!
There’s FUTURE COMICS’s EMP and there’s WILDCATS’s EMP.
What is with midgets and the name EMP? Is EMP short for electro-magnetic pulse? Or is it short for Extremely Miniscule Person? Why is it when comic creators hear EMP, they start drawing dwarves????
I… I can’t even think what to say about this. Two midgets! Both with the same name! What are the ODDS? I’m just blown away. I’m seriously -- if you take the number of dwarves in comics EN TOTO, and you divide that by the number of possible names for superheroes… well, the number of possible names for superheroes is probably infinite. And any number divided by infinity is, what, 0? There’s a 0% chance of this happening.
0%!
2003: Anything can happen. Catch the fever!
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