December 18, 2002
Each week, Diamond Comics posts the New Comics Release List -- a weekly list of comics coming to a store near you this Wednesday.
Here, we have a snapshot of comics as they truly are, in all their Glory and their Gory.
Big movie week! If I were you, I’d be reading the movie news on this site right now. The new LORD OF THE RINGS starts today. The new Martin Scorsese on the weekend -- I’ll grant you that the early trailers didn’t have me too excited, but I’ve started to look forward to that. A new Spielberg movie around the corner -- he refuses to edit them to a proper length, but nonetheless, the book this one’s based on is a fun book. If you haven’t seen ADAPTATION, that’s one of the best movies of the year -- exceptional TV commercials for that movie, too. There are scores of movies I haven’t gotten to -- ABOUT SCHMIDT is on the top of that list. They don’t put out anything good all year, and in one month, they cram everything good. I don’t get why that’s the strategy, but … here we go; it’s that one month!
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
The opinions contained within do not reflect those of Kevin Smith or any other member of the Movie Poop Shoot staff -- past, present or future -- including possibly the author's own, and should not be taken too seriously.
Speaken of “not too seriously,” you want to take a look at Daniel Way’s interview at Comicon Pulse. Way is an upcoming writer on WOLVERINE, and has given one of the best interviews I’ve seen in a while. Here’s a little snippet -- my favorite part:
THE PULSE: What made you want to work on this series?
WAY: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
INTRODUCTION
So, I want to try something different this week. I sit here, and talk and talk and talk about comics, but my experience of comics differs, I’m sure, from your experience of them. However, what comics lets us do, given their brevity and publication scheme, is to discuss our reaction to them at any point we want. Why do we always review comics AFTER we’ve read them? Why not before? Hell, why not DURING?
So, I’m going to read a comic, and AS I read it, I’m just going to stop after every page or so, and let you know what I think. This week, I’ll try GOTHAM CENTRAL #1. I figure that’s a good choice: #1 issue, possibly a popular comic, probably a good comic since it’s by Ed Brubaker, Greg Rucka and Michael Lark. I’m not going to stack the deck in my favor by choosing a comic I’ll think is bad.
Page 1 -- Well, first of all, the comic book feels normal. Have you felt one of those new Ultimate Marvel comics? I’ve ejaculated things less slippery than those new covers they’re using. What is that stuff?
Page 2 -- Ha ha -- I’m used to more grownup comics than this -- it’s a kid-friendly comic so they have to use comic-book swear words. “$%@!@” instead of "fuck" or "shit" or "motherfucker" or "cuntlips." That’s so cute. I’d love to be able to scream “Exclamation-Mark You, man,” someday. Man, I’m hungry. I want some ice cream.
Page 3 -- Okay, I have ice cream now. Ahm, it’s Cookie Dough. Oh, that can’t be good for me. What do you think they make the cookie dough out of?
Page 4 -- I mean, it can’t be real cookie dough, can it? But then, what is it? Wouldn’t real cookie dough go bad or …wouldn’t there be some unfortunate chemical reaction with the ice cream? Man, Amish people don’t have to worry about these things. Amish people just make their own ice cream. That seems so much more sane to me.
Page 5 -- It’s an ad for that Shinobi videogame. I like the TV commercials for those. Oh, what’s on TV? Fucking Leno. He thinks he’s so great, but he’s not. Uh, except when they have those very funny Roadside Attractions on. Ahm, except for those. Then Leno’s great … hmm …
Page 6 -- Another ad, now for AUSTIN POWERS 3: GOLDMEMBER. You know, I liked Austin Powers 3 more than I liked Austin Powers 2. Granted, Heather Graham was a better Powers girl…what are the girls called? Austin girls? Huh.
Page 7 -- What? The bad guy, Mister Freeze, is threatening some cop, so … Geez, I guess I shouldn’t give away “Spoilers” -- I don’t want to spoil the comic for anyone. Okay, well, the bad guy does a bad thing, but gee, it seems like an awfully silly bad thing to do. Also, the fat man walks with the bald eagle -- we attack at dawn! While I’m talking in code and all …
Page 8 -- That’s funny -- page 8 is marked Page 6 since they don’t count the pages with ads on them. Weird.
Page 9 -- Ad for Legos Star Wars. The Lego Jedi Knight looks like he has Down’s Syndrome.
Page 10 -- Ad for Magic the Gathering Online. God, poor fucks can’t even find people to play their shitty card games with -- they have to go online? How depressing.
Page 11 -- Wow, Michael Lark sure can draw. He has this great shot of a city. That must be nice to be able to draw. Oh, shit, the ice cream! Aww, fuck, man, it’s all melty.
Page 12 -- That’s funny. My attention got broken, but one of the first things someone on the page says is “You’re not paying attention.” It’s like they’re talking about me! That’s funny.
Page 13 -- Oh, hey, this character’s a lesbian. They don’t talk about it because DC doesn’t like promotion, but this girl likes girls, not dick. I don’t even know how they revealed that she was a lesbian. DC hates controversy, so they don’t publicize it, but I swear it’s true. Its one of those things you just sort of have to hear about from other comic-book fans. That and where babies come from -- always ask a comic-book fan.
Page 14 -- Ahm, I think the … uh, panel-to-panel continuity is, er, breathtaking? Actually, I don’t know what “panel-to-panel continuity” means. I just want to sound the smart. Chris Allen’s reviews sound the smart. Why can’t my reviews sound the smart, too? He probably knows what panel-to-panel continuity is. What, it’s not like there’s Comic Reviewer University, here. I didn’t major in Asshole at college. I majored in biochemistry. Some good that did me …
Page 15 -- Ad for a video game? Man, there sure are a lot of ads for video games these days. I think 60 MINUTES 2 is doing a story on that. Man, 60 MINUTES 2 is desperate.
Page 16 -- There’s a lot of brown and grey in this comic book. I guess they don’t like fun colors. It’s winter -- they must be very sad. It’s colored by Noelle Giddings. Poor Noelle. Noelle must be very sad. You can get help for that now, but who wants to take pills if you can’t help it?
Page 17 -- Ad for a videogame -- something about dragons. You know people complain about comics being overly dependent on superheroes, but video games are overly dependent on elves and dragons and fantasy crap and it hasn’t stopped them from becoming a multi-billion dollar industry.
Page 18 -- Oh, hey, the lesbian’s back. Man, when’s all this talking going to stop, and she starts making out with a girl? I paid, like, 2 bucks for this comic, and they’re not going to have her at least nibble on a girl’s ear? 2 bucks! Uh, even worse, one of the characters is called CRIS. Where’s the H in his name? Uhh …
Page 19 -- Ad for a videogame. You know what this comic needs? Another ad for a FUCKING video game. That’d be great. Oh, speaking of annoying ads, did I rip out those wrestling ads from this thing already? DC has been inserting these thick little booklets advertising wrestling clothes. Those have been annoying the FUCK out of me. I just rip them out, but they make it so you can’t even read the comic until you do. Then when I rip them out, the staple turns into this sharp stabbing device. I just wanted a comic book, not a fucking shiv. Very annoying.
Page 20 -- Ad for a comic book that’ll cost 10 cents. I haven’t spent a dime on one of these ten-cent comics yet. The way I figure it -- if I wrote and drew a GOOD comic, then I’d want to charge money for it. If it were good, I wouldn’t give it to people for FREE. So, whatever they are giving away for free, must not be so hot …
Page 21 -- Man, Michael Lark sure can draw. Did I say that already? Well, he can. And I think Noelle’s starting to cheer up a little. There you go, Noelle. I was rooting for you all along.
Page 22 -- I’ve never met a police detective. I wonder if they really dress this nicely. They always seem nicely dressed on television shows, and those have research teams, so I’d be willing to bet yes. Even on “Gritty” shows like HOMICIDE -- they’d dress okay. Me -- I just got a red-hooded sweatshirt. Red-hooded sweatshirt is just slob apparel. Too lazy to carry an umbrella so it has a hood. It can be dirty, and who’ll notice? The downside is I’ve been told I look like Elliot from E.T., and not in a good way either.
Page 23 -- This is an ad for a videogame. Do you like videogames? You must like videogames. Have you ever thought about … talking to people? Drinking? Going outside? I have thought about it, and what I’ve concluded is that shit fucking sucks -- the public bathrooms are always disgusting, and the people are always bitching about something and rarely come up with clever put-downs involving She Hulk. I’d rather stay home and play videogames.
Page 24 -- Oooh, perfect -- it’s a mystery. The mystery is “Why didn’t Mister Freeze kill some dude?” Good, I wonder if I can solve it before the comic ends. My first guess is that Mister Freeze had bad indigestion.
Page 25 -- Hm, this page starts with a closeup on a SHOE. That means this is a comic for grownups. Whenever anything is for grown-ups, it’s not visual or fun to look at. Hence: shoe. Okay … maybe the shoe is a clue. Maybe Mister Freeze didn’t kill the person because he liked the guy’s shoes? What? That’d be the worst motive ever.
Page 26 -- Some guy just talked about Batman the whole page. Just chattered away about Batman. Man, that’s the appeal of comics. Could you imagine just turning to someone over dinner and saying something like “You know, Batman wouldn’t cut his steak like that” and being completely SERIOUS? Man, I really have to stop comparing the way my friends eat with Batman. It’s an unattainable Platonic ideal.
Page 27 -- Ad for a videogame. This videogame has a warning label saying the game has “VIOLENCE” and “BLOOD” in it. Can you have a game that HAS blood in it but NOT violence? How? What -- the blood tries to hug you? You play Italian blood who has to rush to Super Mario’s head so that he can whip the local city councilman for sleeping with the wrong girl?
Page 28 -- Wow -- back-to-back ads for videogames. Do you think the people behind this videogame know that their ad would be diluted coming so soon after the last ad? I wonder if they get told or pay less. I’d want to pay less if I were them. This game features “BLOOD AND GORE” and “VIOLENCE” and “PARTIAL NUDITY.” Man, that game on Page 27 isn’t half as good as that one -- that one just had “BLOOD” and no “GORE.” I’d rather have “GORE,” if that’s a choice I had to make. If I were to make a videogame ad, I’d just warn the kids about “LOTS OF FUCKING” and “GUY GETTING STABBED IN THE ESOPHAGUS.” That’s how you sell a videogame -- the warning labels!
Page 29 -- Man, comic books are LONG.
Page 30 -- Wow, there’s a lot of talking on this page. Why would I want to read this much talking? I bought a COMIC book. I want to see drawings of people doing stuff. Why not have drawings of pictures doing stuff? Everyone writing comics thinks they’re fucking Pinter now. You’re writing a COMIC book. It’s not a hit play. Make the drawings do something. At least it’s Rucka and Brubaker, so what they’re saying is halfway interesting. I like those two. Plot’s not bad -- it’s sort of a police procedural only set in Gotham City, and just starring the police in Gotham City, instead of Batman. It’s not a bad plot -- decent execution so far. But man, all anyone does is talk-talk-talk.
Page 31 -- Ad for videogame, featuring a girl straddling a dead soldier. This one doesn’t have PARTIAL NUDITY though, so sort of a mixed message. It does have “STRONG LANGUAGE” though so maybe she fuckin’ talks dirty or something. I don’t know -- I see a girl straddling a dead soldier, then I expect a game to deliver something…
Page 32 -- Hey, there’s a Jewish guy in one of the establishing shots. He’s got a yarmulke on. The only reason I could find it’s called a yarmulke -- I tried yammukah and yammacah, and I couldn’t find the right spelling so I went over to Google and tried “Jewish beanie” and sure enough there was a glossary specifically called “DON’T CALL IT A BEANIE.” It’s like the Internet has exactly what I need, whenever I need it, if only I’m racist enough to think of the most offensive way to search for it … Sorry if that’s offensive, but yarmulke? What kind of spelling is that?
Page 33 -- Oh, this took me a moment. It’s an ad for a videogame that’s trying to look like a bad Powerpoint presentation. Clever. This warns of “COMIC MISCHIEF.” Huh? Like the shower scene in PORKY’S?
Page 34 -- Oh, I guess the mystery isn’t why Mister Freeze did something, but what this guy’s hiding. Damn -- there goes my theory that Mister Freeze was working for the videogame companies. I was pretty sure, dude.
Page 35 -- Here’s the last page -- here we go! Oh… okay. Well, its good -- I’d have to say it’s a good comic. Little dull, but I guess that’s the genre it’s in -- police procedurals can get pretty dull. This might be more fun to read an arc at a time. Not the most exciting first issue, though. You’d think they’d want to start with something more, I don’t know, flashy. This is pretty restrained. It’s got a sort of classy feel to it, though. Good team on this comic.
Page 36 -- Ugly page advertising DC things -- don’t want to read it. Ugly.
Page 37 -- Ad for a video game.
Back cover -- Ad for the US ARMY! Yeah, who’s more bloodthirsty than a bunch of videogame addict comic freaks? That’s who you want defending our borders. All this needs is a warning label -- “BLOOD AND GORE -- PARTIAL MALE NUDITY.”
DIAMOND COMICS SAYS
Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: December 18
The following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for availability.
You know, I don’t want to be an asshole about it, now that I’m a high-powered Los Angeles lawyer who could crush you all, but if I could just say something to all the retailers out there. And I mean no disrespect, but listen:
I can sue people, or defend people from lawsuit, or file a copyright registration, or make up alibis for cops -- that’s a specialty. I have doctor friends who can excise tumors, or replace your heart with a baboon’s heart, or insert tubes into your pee-hole -- that’s a specialty. I know this guy, when he gets drunk he likes to take off his shirt at the bar and yell crazy stuff, and it’s really fucking funny -- that’s a specialty.
You? You take comic books out of a box, and you put them onto a shelf, and sometimes sell them. And frankly, a lot of you don’t even do that very well -- sometimes, sometimes the shelf’s broken, or you miss the shelf, or there never was a shelf -- just some table you found at your grandma’s yard sale.
I’m not really sure that’s a specialty.
It’s not even that comic stores specialize in buying comics, is it? Other stores could sell comics if they wanted to. No one else wants to. I could call my Turd Store a specialty store, but … anybody could sell Turd if they wanted to. Okay, maybe not the Amish…
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
DARK HORSE
BLADE OF THE IMMORTAL #74 FALL FROST (PART 2 OF 6) $2.99
BLADE OF THE IMMORTAL BEASTS TP (MR) $14.95
HARD LOOKS TP 3RD ED ILLUSTRATED CVR $19.95
HELLBOY BPRD COFFEE MUG $9.99
That’s the Christmas spirit: Dark Horse is looking not only to enable my addiction to comic books, but to caffeine as well. Now all I need is a Lone Wolf & Cub heroin needle set and I’m ready to go. A Grendel gravity bong? Why not?
In fact, why not? I’ve been to the Venice Beach -- Venice Beach is a small strip of hippie in Los Angeles, California. It has some sand somewhere and some ocean somewhere else, but more importantly, literally every other store in Venice Beach is a head shop. And the stuff they have in there are these incredibly gaudy contraptions -- I’ve never wanted to inhale smoke from out of a glass recreation of a Lowrider cover girl’s ass, but believe me, that’s the “hot toy” of the season. Ninja Turtle, Pokemon, Tamagochi, glass recreation of a Lowrider cover girl’s ass -- who can predict these things?
That’s a market Dark Horse is letting go fallow. That’s not the Christmas spirit. I think Dark Horse is letting the Baby Jesus down until some surfer can get high from Hellboy’s skull. And the Baby Jesus don’t like being let down. You wouldn’t like the Baby Jesus when he’s angry.
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY THE COMPLETE HC LTD ED (MR) $150.00
This is Harvey Kurtzman and Bill Elder’s comic from PLAYBOY. PLAYBOY has published short fiction from Gabriel Garcia Marquez, James Thurber, John Cheever, John Irving, Norman Mailer, Joyce Carol Oates, John Updike, etc. Their comics have included work by Harvey Kurtzman (MAD) and Jack Cole (PLASTIC MAN).
It’s magic, really. They take money from guys who want to masturbate and give it to these guys? They turn hard-ons into literature? That’s better than Robin Hood. I’ll take Playboy’s magic over any of that Christmas magic any day of the week. What’s the big deal about Santa Claus? He helped out a reindeer once -- big friggin’ deal. I’m sure Joan Embry of the San Diego Zoo helped a reindeer once, too -- we don’t have winos at the mall dress up like Joan Embry every year. Though, fuck that’d be hot…
REID FLEMING/FLAMING CARROT CROSSOVER #1 $3.99
What do you think would be better -- watching Reid Fleming fight Flaming Carrot, or watching Right Said Fred pimpslap Richard Grieco?
I don’t know -- I’ve never come up with a “hit” comic book character before, but … how long can you ride a comic book about a talking carrot on fire? And I’ve read some FLAMING CARROT -- Bob Burden’s not bad. The movie MYSTERY MEN was based on Burden’s work. But … I don’t know -- must suck to be a one-hit wonder. And it must extra-suck when your one-hit was being the guy who followed Johnny Depp on 21 JUMP STREET.
RUSTY THE BOY ROBOT PVC FIGURE $19.99
Let’s do some research: PVC apparently stands for polyvinyl chloride, built by the repetitive addition of monomer vinyl chloride with the formula of CH2=CHCl (little shortcut I picked up back in my biochemistry days -- if it has chlorine in it, that’s not good).
PVC products create dioxins when burned, leach toxic additives during use, and are the least recyclable of all major plastics. Because of these and other reasons, a number of organizations have called for a PVC phase-out: the American Public Health Association, the International Association of Firefighters (IAFF), and the Association of Post Consumer Plastic Recyclers. Nike, the shoe manufacturer, has in the past made a public announcement that it will remove PVC entirely from its products pointing out “the issue for us with PVC is a lifecycle one. […] The pure PVC polymer is not toxic, but its lifecycle is very hazardous to human health and the environment.”
Chemicals from soft PVC (vinyl), if chewed upon, can leach into the mouth and when ingested can cause a variety of tumors, organ damage and abnormalities in children and animals. Health effects range from tumors and liver and kidney damage to reproductive abnormalities.
Thus, these toys aren’t recommended for children or birds.
So if I read this right: Rusty the Boy Robot not only wants to kill your kids, but he wants to kill your fucking pet BIRD, too? Dude, that’s a fucking bummer.
What the fuck did your bird ever do to you? ALL HE WANTED WAS A CRACKER! SOYLENT GREEN IS CRACKERS! IT’S CRACKERS! … Wait, no, Soylent Green is people. Never mind.
DC COMICS
AUTHORITY SCORCHED EARTH (MR) $4.95
Haha, nice try, DC. They fuck up the last AUTHORITY altogether, for no good reason as far as I’ve ever heard, and now they want my money? Fuck them.
I’m sure they got good people taking over -- Robbie Morrison, the writer, is a 2000AD guy. I missed his TANGLED WEB issue somehow -- heard it was a good one. I’m certain it’ll be a fine comic, even if I’ve pretty much never heard of either guy before.
Hey -- the AUTHORITY belongs to DC. They could do whatever they wanted to do with it; it was theirs to screw up. I just have a bad taste in my mouth on this comic now. I just don’t want to know about it anymore. How would it be fun anymore? I just think knowing all that other stuff would distract too much from enjoying the comic. Does that mean we shouldn’t know? No, I absolutely want to know about what went wrong here.
Who knows? DC could throw enough money at people whose names I do know that my opinion would change tomorrow. But for now, absolutely not.
Huh, irony: AUTHORITY got nominated for a GLAAD award.
AUTOMATIC KAFKA #6 (MR) $2.95
You know how comic-book stores sometimes bring in touring comic creators to sign their comics. If I went to a signing for a comic book called AUTOMATIC KAFKA, just based on the title alone I would demand that the creators show up in Devo costumes. Matching jumpsuits. Futuristic sunglasses. If they could dance “The Robot,” that would help, also. Anything else would be pretty disappointing. I just get a big Devo vibe off that title, this week.
You know, how sometimes the water in the toilets at low tide? So you’re essentially shitting onto shit? And it’s really fucking disgusting in some unnameable way? That’s how I feel about this comic. Eventually it’s going to reach the O-Ring and then we’re all fucked.
BATGIRL YEAR ONE #1 (Of 9) $2.95
Oh, whatever. Anything is interesting the first year you do it. Being the assistant jizz-mopper at a peep show would be interesting the FIRST year. What about BATGIRL Year Ten? Ten years in, and Batgirl’s still wiping up after some lonely, elderly man’s baby batter -- how does she get up in the morning? How does she justify her life then? That’s what I want to read about.
BATMAN GOTHAM KNIGHTS #36 $2.75
BIRDS OF PREY #50 $2.50
BLACK SUN #4 (Of 6) (MR) $2.95
FABLES #8 (MR) $2.50
You know what the title to this reminds me of? Those awful Andrew Dice Clay limericks. Do you remember Andrew Dice Clay? He was this comedian who was a huge deal in the late ‘80s – there was all this controversy about his routine being woman-hating.
The “Diceman’s” act was he would basically just make up dirty limericks insulting women, calling them all sluts. They’d always use the characters from old fairy tales, same as this FABLES comic supposedly does. “Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet … stupid bitch” was one, I think. And Diceman made a crazy amount of money off these things. It was the ‘80s, everyone was on cocaine a la Sherlock Holmes, and the yuppies just ate it up with both hands…
Man, MoviePoopShoot should totally get Diceman to do this column, after they fire me. He’d do such a better job with this than I do. “BATGIRL? That reminds me -- women are all sluts. BIRDS OF PREY? That reminds me – women are all sluts.” It would be comedy gold. Diceman insults some women comic creators -- Trina Robbins, I guess. There’s only a couple of them. Robbins rhymes with dirty stuff, right? "Bobbin'" alone could see Diceman through 4 or 5 of these columns ...
We could totally get him. And then -- we have him fight Richard Grieco. Oh, it’d be so GOOD, dude. Man, this site’s going to ROCK when I’m fired.
Speaking of celebrity clusterfucks, fuck, I’m looking forward to weekend TV. FOX has JOE MILLIONAIRE where FOX fools a bunch of single women into thinking they’re competing for a guy worth $50 million. In fact, he’s only worth 19 grand a year. I like the idea of this show in that I get to watch someone get brutally hurt, and then laugh at them while I eat Doritos off my belly. That’s the very essence of great television.
But just as good, and a little overlooked -- STARDATES. They get regular people to go out on dates with C-list celebrities like SAVED BY THE BELL’s Dustin “Screech” Diamond or Eddie Munster, Gary Coleman or Tootie from FACTS OF LIFE. I think it’s just a brilliant idea, so…
Diceman … He called himself the DICEMAN. He was at least in his 40s and he called himself DICEMAN! If you’re over the age of 30 and you still have a nickname, your life has seriously taken a nasty turn somewhere along the line.
Speaking of the comedy, fans of the movie RULES OF ATTRACTION may be as happy as I am by news that director Roger Avary is having CARROT TOP (aka. Fucking Carrot Top?) do a commentary track for the DVD release. Carrot Top hadn’t seen the movie, didn’t know the director -- it’s just him watching the movie, doing the commentary. I always wished more directors would fuck around with commentary tracks, and this sounds like a pretty funny idea.
FOREVER MAELSTROM #2 (Of 6) $2.95
HELLBLAZER SPECIAL LADY CONSTANTINE #1 (OF 4) (MR) $2.95
She’s his special lady? What does she do -- clean the undercarriage?
JSA #43 $2.50
LUCIFER #33 (MR) $2.50
POWERPUFF GIRLS #33 $2.25
ROBIN #109 $2.25
ROBOTECH #1 (Of 6) $2.95
Why are they doing spinoffs of the good cartoons?
People in movies complain all the time that they only remake good movies. The argument: the good ones were already made right the first time, so why not remake the bad ones?
Why doesn’t that apply to these comics? ROBOTECH was made right the first time. Why not remake the SNORKS? Captain Planet? Centurions? The Galaxy Rangers? Gobots? Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors? Hell, even C.O.P.S? Incidentally, did you see that rumor about the AMERICAN PIE license being shopped? I don’t know -- I don’t see why that couldn’t be a comic book. It’s basically the Archie gang with pie-fucking, isn’t it?
SUPERGIRL #77 $2.50
SUPERGIRL MINI STATUE $39.95
SUPERMAN THE MAN OF STEEL #133 $2.25
SUPERMAN WALL SCROLL $19.95
Haha, oh man: I went to look up what the FUCK a Wall Scroll is. Here’s what DC has to say for themselves:
“An original Superman image exclusively for DC Direct! Under the pencil of artist Ed McGuinness, the look of the Man of Steel redefines buff!”
Yeah, anytime I’m under some guy’s pencil, I think I redefine buff, too. Who wrote this shit?
SWAMP THING DARK GENESIS TP NEW EDITION (MR) $19.95
WONDER WOMAN ANNUAL 1967 #1 $4.95
Y THE LAST MAN #6 (MR) $2.95
Y THE LAST MAN UNMANNED VOL 1 TP $12.95
IMAGE
HAWAIIAN DICK #1 $2.95
… This unfortunately named comic is a 3-issue miniseries about a 1950s-era private detective in Hawaii. It’s by B.Clay Moore and Steven Griffin. The little art I’ve seen looks decent -- nice watercolor-style color, at least. I like crime comics (though I’m not as fond of private detective stuff). Excellent early reviews. This might be something. Buying this.
LIBERTY MEADOWS #29 $2.95
REX MUNDI #1 $2.95
Image has a lot of new series coming out by completely new people. Which is half-exciting, though a bit scary -- if the prior Image non-line is any example, some quality work might fall through the cracks.
This is a horror book, I believe, set in ‘30s Paris? I really don’t have any idea about it -- anyone know if this is anything? I remember seeing a #0 issue on the shelves.
It will be nice to see a lot of new books and new voices playing around in the mix again -- the last couple years have a been a bit homogenous. I haven’t seen a lot of home-runs yet. I’m not sure -- it seems like a lot of the books I’m seeing lately, not just from Image, are just overwritten.
RISING STARS #21 (Of 24) $2.99
TECH JACKET #2 $2.95
What’s the story on the character design in this comic? Not the clearest designs, at least on the covers. Not a lot of effort on the covers, either. At the same time, I hear people saying the artist is good. Huh? I guess …
TOP COW CLASSICS BATTLE OF THE PLANETS #1 $2.99
MARVEL
DAREDEVIL QUESADA POSTER $5.95
INCREDIBLE HULK #48 $2.25
NEW X-MEN #135 $2.25
Hey, Frank Quitely’s back. Remember him? I wonder why he draws so slow. It’s just a comic book -- as good as you draw, as much as you labor over a page… 30 days later, the fans are going to want to see something else. If you’re doing some graphic novel that you intend to be on shelves forever, absolutely, labor over the pages. But some X-Men pages, which are the very essence of disposable -- what’s the incentive to not draw as many pages as possible? I’d imagine Frank Quitely in a hurry still looks better than lots of people taking their time. I respect that he wants it to be as good as possible -- he’s costing himself money, I would guess. I’m just not sure if I understand it.
Also, why I’m at it, if I can return to an old complaint: why is it when the bad writers were working on this comic, the artists were people like the Kubert brothers or Joe Madeuria or Lenil Yu, the most popular people Marvel could find, but as soon as Grant Morrison, one of the only people in the WORLD who would get me to read a goddamn X-MEN comic, starts writing the comic, then suddenly it’s Ethan Van Scriver or Keron Grant? Van Scriver and Grant aren’t bad, not at all, but I heard someone talking about how sales on this book were down a bit, and … When I was a kid, X-MEN had the most popular artists Marvel could find -- maybe not the best, but the most popular. That’s what made it the X-MEN. Where did the popular guys go?
Though I guess there’s that news/rumor about Marc Silvestri. That’s curious news.
NEW X-MEN 3 NEW WORLDS TP $14.99
SHANG CHI MASTER OF KUNG FU #4 (Of 6) (MR) $2.99
SOLDIER X #6 $2.25
Still not happy about this comic getting cancelled -- let’s see, I’ve done denial, then anger, what’s next … Acceptance? Fuck that -- it should go denial, anger, more anger, distracted by Internet porn and/or sorority Web site being used for makeshift porn, half-hearted anger, full-hearted anger, apathy, denial, and then acceptance with some bitter remarks about the French interspersed in randomly. Fucking frogs.
Robert Weinberg was in the news the other day. Weinberg is the guy who used to write CABLE (aka SOLDIER X) before two or three writers back. Since being taken off the series, Weinberg is some sort of massive crybaby about having been fired, telling anyone who’ll listen how good sales were back when HE was writing it. He got into the news basically gloating over the book’s cancellation, like some bitter ex-boyfriend -- “See, I told you that you’d be sorry, bitch.” Of course, my reaction, like most everyone’s reaction that I talked to, was:
“Who is Robert Weinberg? Oh, he used to write CABLE or something? Oh, that must’ve been super.”
Huh, I’m looking at Amazon.com -- he wrote some book about the SCIENCE OF SUPERHEROES. Which -- real cool guy. Anyway, more interestingly, Amazon.com is selling clothing. More interesting than that, the way that they’re selling clothing is by putting it on underage models. Look at that! There is so much kiddie porn on the Internet that even you just want to buy a BOOK, these are the ads they show you. Even AMAZON! Information superhighway -- fuck that, it’s the kiddie-porn superhighway. Am I the only guy on the Internet who likes a girl old enough to bleed?
Speaking of awful ads, and I’m not even going to run this one because it’s horrendous, but what’s with that ad at Comic Book Resources??? I’m scanning all the Web sites, and the one over there is Shannon Elizabeth’s ASS basically… which I don’t mind so much. Only it’s an ad for a comic book shop’s Web site, and the tagline is ”Pretend she wants you anyway. I did.” Oh my fucking god… Wow. I just want to read comic books, not RAPE a girl. Uchhh…
SPIDER-MAN BLUE #5 (Of 6) $3.50
SPIDER-MAN PETER PARKER #51 $2.25
TRUTH #2 (Of 6) $3.50
So, Marvel, constantly trying to get free press from the newspapers, first did this comic which is essentially about military experiments on black people during World War 2. Now, they’re doing a comic about the gay cowboy which has gotten them onto CNN’s CROSSFIRE(!) and MSN.
You know what’s next? The “Strom Thurmond should’ve been President” comic book. President Thurmond could arm-wrestle Spiderman. President Thurmond and Hulk could team up to smash in a black baby’s skull. Marvel NEEDS the media attention. They live for it. How about the X-Aborters? It could be about a team of mutant hunters that go and abort mutant fetuses. That’d get Marvel onto Donahue, at least.
Eventually, Bill Jemas is going to have to get a sex change -- he’s not going to become a woman, so much as have a cadaver dissected to get a second penis attached. Which -- come on, what guy hasn’t had the old “Dissected Cadaver” idea? He doesn’t want the second penis -- Marvel just needs to be on television. Are you happy now? Why couldn’t you just buy the comic books like they asked you to? Why did you make them do it?
Incidentally, did anyone not know Trent Lott was a fucking racist? Couldn’t you just tell by looking at the guy -- couldn’t you just smell it off him? How is this news to people?
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #33 $2.25
ULTIMATE X-MEN #26 $2.25
WEAPON X #4 $2.25
WIZARD
DF BOTP LTD ED FOIL CVR #1/2 $16.99
DF DARKNESS FOIL CVR #1 $16.99
WIZARD COMICS MAGAZINE ULTIMATE BABES CVR #137 $4.99
Finally. If WIZARD didn’t put the ultimate babes on their cover, I’d just have to settle for Maxim. Or Stuff, FHM, Loaded, Gear, Razor, Tongue, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Lowrider Magazine, Blender, Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler or Gallery. Good thing Wizard has my back with their ULTIMATE babes… Who still uses the word “Babes?” This is comics, not 1984s HARDBODIES, starring Grant Cramer. If Wizard starts talking about how you have to Bigger Better Deal the ladies, then we’ll know what page they’re on, won’t we?
Speaking of the FHM… oh man, so, Brian Michael Bendis (TOTAL SELL-OUT) (little joke -- he has a comic coming out called TOTAL SELL-OUT) -- Bendis gets interviewed by FHM. And he mentions it in the Powers lettercol: “Look for me in an upcoming issue of FHM Magazine.” I’m a big Bendis fan -- loved the guy’s work going back for years and years now.
Anyway, the issue came out, and turns out FHM put him in the “JOBS ANYONE CAN DO” section of the magazine. Without his knowledge. Which is actually pretty awful, if you think you’re in a magazine for a good reason and then WHAM -- that’s a mean thing to do to a guy … Granted, as soon as I heard it, the instant I heard it, I thought to myself, “FUCK, why can’t I think of doing shit like that?” The saddest part of this story? Bendis thought he was going to be in the “IT’S YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND” section. He had to wax his legs and everything, and for what?
My favorite one of those magazines is GEAR. The other magazines -- they have this pretense of putting pseudo-celebrities in them -- some famous b-list actress trying to promote some shitty movie. They pretend to be well-meaning. GEAR, on the other hand, is the Snidely Whiplash of men’s magazines -- they’ll just throw in these disturbing “articles” about the girls telling you things like, “Here’s some girl who just moved to New York City from Kentucky. Mwahahahhahaha!” You can hear the evil laughter in an issue of GEAR the way you can’t in the other magazines. Here’s an actual quote from an actual GEAR Magazine from an article promoting a young actress-model: “Joanna currently labors namelessly in the land of racy, lowbrow babedom inhabited by the likes of Baywatch extras, Blind Date bimbos, and B-movie queens.” Wh-what? What is the reader even supposed to say to that? “I’m sorry?” What other men’s magazine makes you want to APOLOGIZE to the girls in it!
WIZARD COMICS MAGAZINE X-MEN 2 PHOTO CVR #137 $4.99
COMICS
ALAN MOORE MAGIC WORDS VOL 1 HC (MR) $16.95
ALL NEW TENCHI MUYO PART 2 #3 (Of 5) $2.95
ALTERCATIONS GN VOL 1 #1 (Of 2) $8.95
AP HOW TO DRAW MANGA COMPILATION VOL 3 TP $17.95
BATTLE ANGEL ALITA LAST ORDER PART 1 #4 $2.95
BEST OF THE WEST #32 $5.95
BUREAU MANA INVESTIGATION #5 $2.99
CAVEWOMAN RAPTOR #2 (Of 2) $3.25
CAVEWOMAN RAPTOR SP ED #2 PI
CBLDF HOLIDAY GRAB BAG $5.00
CEREBUS #285 $2.25
CLASSWAR METAL EDITION #1 $50.00
Why would you want a comic book made of metal? Are you getting into a street fight with nerds?
What you do is you have Clemenzo hide the CLASSWAR METAL EDITION at a comic store, then you meet Sollozzo and McCluskey there. While they’re ogling the girl on the WIZARD ULTIMATE BABES cover, you excuse yourself -- walk over, get the hidden CLASSWAR METAL EDITION, come back to the table, beat them both over the head with it until they’re bleeding into their spaghetti, drop the comic book, don’t look at anyone, and then walk away. Then, you go to Italy, where you fall in love with a girl who will eventually be blown up. Finally, shove a rolled up copy of SPIDERMAN BLUE into Moe Green’s eye. Whatever you do: do not read the comic book. Just shove it in his eye, and have that be that. Enjoy. Watch out for Fredo. Keep stirring the pasta sauce -- no, seriously, you have to stir.
COM X SAN DIEGO COMICON 2002 SKETCHBOOK $15.00
CRUX #21 $2.95
DAEMONIFUGE VOL 2 LORD OF DAMNATION TP $10.95
DF BATMAN BLACK & WHITE VOL 2 HC SGN $99.99
DF MARVEL ENCYCLOPEDIA ROSS SGN $99.99
DF SPIDER-MAN BLUE SGN #1 $199.99
Dude, signed by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale, and they want HOW much money? They’re okay and all, but … what do you guys do with the signatures? Fucking Voodoo? If Jeph Loeb starts complaining that it feels like pins are being shoved into his torso, it’s his own damn fault.
DIGITAL WEBBING PRESENTS #6 $2.95
DRAGONBALL PART 5 #7 (Of 7) $2.95
ELIZABETH BATHORY #2 (A) $3.50
ELVIRA #116 $2.50
FATHOM PREVIEW WIZARD WORLD CHICAGO 02 LTD CON ED $19.99
FURRLOUGH #119 $2.99
FUSE #4 $2.99
GLOOM COOKIE MONSTERS CHRISTMAS COLOR SPECIAL (MR) $3.95
GOLDEN AGE MEN OF MYSTERY DIGEST SPECIAL #1 (O/A) $15.95
GUTWALLOW #1 (Of 3) $2.95
HEAVEN SWORD & DRAGON SABRE GN #3 $13.95
HOUSEWIVES AT PLAY CURR PRTG #3 (A) $2.95
HYSTERIA IN REMISSION COMIX & DRAWINGS ROBERT WILLIAMS S/N $75.00
INVINCIBLE ED #2 BEATING OF ED (Of 6) (Note Price) $3.95
Oh, I got the first issue of INVINCIBLE ED at San Diego. This is a comic by an animator, Ryan Woodward, who worked on IRON GIANT and OSMOSIS JONES. The premise is a bit cliché: high-school kid gets powers. That said, they’re not treating it like they’ve invented the wheel -- the execution is very light on its feet, character-focused. The spin on the premise is that the aliens want to pick a person on Earth to represent their interests -- only they pick the alpha male who’s picking on the runt-y hero of the comic. Hijinks ensue -- it’s a nice book for the all-ages crowd, kids, etc. Art’s decent -- good special effects, from what I dimly remember. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, which I think is what let me able to read it since, ah, yeah, just a premise I’m very tired of, if not suspicious of …
Here’s Chris Allen’s review of it -- this might be more enlightening than anything I can muster this far down into the list. Little punch-drunk when I get this far down.
JASON & THE ARGOBOTS #4 (Of 4) $2.95
JUGHEAD WITH ARCHIE DIGEST #180 $2.39
KAL JERICO II CONTRACTS & AGENDAS GN (O/A) $6.95
KODT BUNDLE OF TROUBLE VOL 10 (Note Price) $11.99
KODT TALES FROM VAULT VOL 4 $9.99
LIFE & ADVENTURES OF SANTA CLAUS HC (O/A) (PU#547) PI
This has to compete with last week’s SOUTH PARK. If you get a chance to catch the repeat of this year’s Christmas episode, where Santa Claus’s sled goes down in Iraq, and Jesus has to lead the expedition to save him. I still think SOUTH PARK’s very funny.
LONDONS DARK GN NEW PTG $9.95
LOUIS RIEL #8 $2.95
LUFTWAFFE 1946 #4 $5.99
LURID #2 (MR) $2.99
MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM 0079 VOL 8 TP $9.95
MONSTER CLUB #1 $3.50
MR MAGOO CHRISTMAS CAROL COMMEMORATIVE COMIC #1 $7.98
MR MAGOO CHRISTMAS CAROL COMMEMORATIVE COMIC #1 ALT CVR $7.98
NAUGHTY BITS #37 (MR) $2.95
NODWICK #18 $2.99
ODDBALLZ #5 $2.95
PALS N GALS DOUBLE DIGEST #72 $3.59
POKEMON ADVENTURES VOL 7 POKEMON ELITE TP $13.95
PS238 #0 $2.99
RAIJIN COMICS #3 (MR) $4.95
I don’t think I’m down for this -- I’m not sure. It’s the same good value that SHONEN JUMP is offering, but even though RAIJIN’s manga is supposedly aimed at an older audience, I find myself less interested in what it’s offering compared to SHONEN JUMP’s material. With JUMP, at least you have Toriyama’s work, while RAIJIN… the best thing RAIJIN seems to offer is SLAM DUNK. That said, the other comics in the first issue didn’t do much for me. I’d liked what I’d seen of BAKKI THE GRAPPLER, which for some reason wasn’t present in the first issue, but… CITY HUNTER -- I’ve enjoyed too much of the anime to experience the comic fresh, not to mention sitting through the AWFUL Jackie Chan movie (Chan’s worst?). And the FIST OF THE NORTH STAR prequel just seemed a bit too self-serious… SLAM DUNK is good, but at the same time, I can read BECK for free online thanks to the scanlations that are out there. BECK seems to be very much in the same vein of SLAM DUNK, only instead of being about basketball, it’s about rock and roll. More importantly, the difference in price between free and not-free seems considerable to me.
RANMA 1/2 PART 11 #10 (Of 11) $2.95
RED STAR ANNUAL #1 $3.50
Is this new material? I like RED STAR. It’s not what I’d thought it’d be -- they’d promised it’d be more an allegory for the last twenty years or so of Soviet Union history. While there are some allusions, the comic seems more concerned with action sequences and fantasy. That said, the execution can be excellent. The writing is a bit uneven at times, but the amount of effort put into each issue, given all the computer work, seems very high.
REDEEMER TP $14.95
RGA MAGAZINE #2 (MR) $9.90
RGA MAGAZINE #3 (MR) $9.90
ROGUE TROOPER VOL 1 GN FUTURE WAR $16.95
ROUTE 666 #7 $2.95
SABRINA VOL 2 #40 $2.19
SAINT LEGEND GN #2 $13.95
SCION #31 $2.95
SEXY ANGEL #1 $3.25
The whole Victoria’s Secret thing of dressing lingerie models in angel costumes -- how does that make sense again? I mean, if you believe in angels, and you believe in God, do you really think God wants you fucking his angels? I think you’re supposed to worship them and heed their heavenly advice, not imagine licking their sweet, luscious nipples. That’s why I’m a big advocate of the girls in the devil costumes. Its just more internally consistent, while just as attractive.
SHI ILLUSTRATED WARRIOR #5 (OF 7) $2.99
STORM RIDERS GN #7 $13.95
STRAY BULLETS #28 (MR) $3.50
TALL TAILS THIEVES QUEST TP VOL 2 $14.95
TAROT WITCH OF THE BLACK ROSE DLX ED #17 $19.99
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES #7 $2.95
TERRY MOORES PARADISE TOO #11 $2.95
THE ARK BY AZPIRI HC $14.95
THREE DAYS IN EUROPE #2 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95
Oh, I was just talking about this comic the other day. This is such an odd duck of a comic that I’m not sure how to talk about it.
The premise, as depicted in the first issue, is a couple who are dating get surprise plane tickets for an anniversary -- the girl gets one for England, the guy for France, but when they surprise each other with the tickets, they fight over where to go. Then, they split up only each gets on the wrong flight.
Obviously, it gets points by being a romantic comedy. Comic books avoid that genre. Personally, I often like romantic comedies, under the right circumstances -- a Billy Wilder romantic comedy isn’t a “chick flick,” nor necessarily is a Cameron Crowe one. Granted, a Richard Curtis romantic comedy IS a chick flick, but I like the Richard Curtis dialogue. Et cetera.
That having been said, that the comic gets points for its unusual choice of genre, how do we judge it? We can’t judge it against other comics because… there basically are none! And judging it otherwise can lead me to be meaner than the comic deserves. By movie standards, it’s off to a rough start: the opening is a touch contrived and unbelievable especially given how hard it is to imagine getting on the wrong plane in today’s tense travel environment; the lead characters have no chemistry whatsoever so there’s no reason for us to root for them to get back together; finally, the comic opens with the male character succeeding in selling something to someone else while the female character fails in a sale situation, thus opening a romantic comedy with a sort of weird gender imbalance that I think hurts in a way -- I prefer when the two people are more evenly matched, the way in a fight scene you’d want to see the two people fighting to be matched rather than one strong guy and one weakling.
Is it fair to judge it that way? I 100% don’t think it is. Movies are just re-written and more carefully written than comics are -- people will take months to write a movie, being paid serious money in the process, while in comics, writers will sometimes tell you how they spent a WHOLE DAY on a script, getting paid peanuts in comparison in the process. Can we use our experience with one media to inform the other, without becoming cruel? At the same time, when we have this alternative to comics, when we can watch a movie INSTEAD, or do X instead, how can we not compare them against each other in an “Is this worth/money my time” sort of way? I would argue that you make a decision to read a comic that makes that question moot -- that you want to experience the story through a comic, so making such judgments is disingenuous. I’m just babbling here, but… well, no “But,” I’m just babbling.
Anyway, I am buying the second issue -- now that it’s past that difficult ESTABLISHING THE PREMISE hurdle, I expect this series will be more confident of what it is and what it wants to say or do. And I recommend the first issue, if for no other reason, to check out the work of the artist, Mike Hawthorne, who I think is a find. I don’t know how Oni finds all these great artists, but Hawthorne’s definitely a guy to watch over there right now. It has small problems, but I think it’s a fun comic with some potential. Nobody’s perfect.
THRESHOLD DEMONSLAYER CVR #49 (MR) $4.95
THRESHOLD DEMONSLAYER NUDE CVR #49 (MR) $6.00
THRESHOLD PANDORA CVR #49 (MR) $4.95
THRESHOLD PANDORA NUDE CVR #49 (MR) $6.00
TOMB RAIDER #25 ENDGAME JAY CO VARIANT CVR ED $6.99
TOMB RAIDER #25 ENDGAME JAY CO VARIANT FOIL CVR ED $19.99
TOMB RAIDER JOURNEYS #2 LTD SAN DIEGO CON 02 ED $19.99
TRANSFORMERS ARMADA #5 $2.95
UBERBABE #2 SAME AS IT EVER WAS (OF 4) (MR) $6.00
Jesus, if Uberbabe is jaded, what chance do any of us have? Man, is there anything worse in life than hearing a hot girl complain? Same as it ever was, indeed … Did she get left off the WIZARD cover? She must be bitter. Maybe she’s aging badly.
VAGABOND #14 (MR) $4.95
VAMPIRELLA #15 LTD HARRIS CVR ED $9.95
VAMPIRELLA #15 LTD MODEL PHOTO ED $9.95
VAMPIRELLA #15 REG ED $2.99
WARHAMMER MONTHLY #62 $3.50
WARHAMMER MONTHLY #63 (Note Price) $5.95
WARREN ELLIS SCARS #1 (MR) $3.50
WARREN ELLIS SCARS WRAPAROUND #1 (MR) $3.95
WILD KINGDOM #15 (A) $3.50
WILD WEST COLLECTION TP $10.95
WITCHBLADE #60 ENDGAME FOIL ED $12.99
WITCHBLADE #60 ENDGAME SGN FOIL ED $19.99
X 1999 VOL 9 REQUIEM TP $15.95
ZOIDS #11 $5.95
Next week: Another one of these. I continue to attempt to find ways to avoid writing Conclusions.
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