December 11, 2002
Each week, Diamond Comics posts the New Comics Release List -- - -- a weekly list of comics coming to a store near you this Wednesday.
Here, we have a snapshot of comics as they truly are, in all their Glory and their Gory.
I hab’ a ‘ead cold. All I can taste in my mouth right now is snot and snot with nutrasweet. Yeah, my nasal fluid can give rats cancer -- it’s terrific. You know what’s a great cold remedy? Talking about COMIC books.
Stupid column…
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
The opinions contained within do not reflect those of Kevin Smith or any other member of the Movie Poop Shoot staff -- past, present or future -- including possibly the author's own, and should not be taken too seriously.
So on Monday afternoon, the law school had our swearing-in ceremony. Basically how it worked is, first they hit us up for alumni money. Then, some judge blathered on about how important lawyers are, making various thinly veiled allusions to September 11th. I -- I just wanted to sue people, not fight terrorists, but thanks. Then the good part: the oath. We’re doing the “repeat after me” part when the judge says more than apparently anyone can remember at one time -- smart enough to pass be lawyers, but “repeat after me” just stumped the whole room. It turned into a room full of new lawyers STUTTERING and mumbling and giggling their way through the oath swearing allegiance to the laws of the United States. It just felt weirdly accurate, in a way.
INTRODUCTION
Oh man, I hope it’s a short list this week. I’m sending this in to my editors super-late, as is. All I can imagine about most of these comic books is blowing my nose in them. Though that might not actually be such a bad idea. I think I saw a LIFESTYLE OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS where Adnan Khashoggi only blew his nose with NIGHTWING back-issues. Man, I’d love to blow my nose on Adnan Khashoggi right now.
Hold on -- let me get fucked up on some NYQUIL -- let’s see what fun we have then.
Hell, this is how most of these comics get written, isn’t it? We’ll be communing on a deeper level this way. Anyway, what’s going on in comics right now? Let me check out the latest comic news… the New York Post reported that Marvel is publishing a gay cowboy comic called SLAP LEATHER. Jesus, what do they put in this Nyquil???
Here’s a quote from the article: “Speculation that the Kid would be coming out has been a hot topic on several comedy-oriented Web sites, with some longtime fans upset about the new direction for the formerly thought-to-be hetero hero.” Comedy-oriented? Bill Cosby is fucking PISSED off!
Are comic fans actually upset about the gay cowboy because they used to think he was straight? Why is that the gay cowboy’s fault that you don’t have gaydar? Haha -- scanning over some of the “Comedy” websites, you know why comic book fans are mad?
“He’s not gay! He’s just shy around girls!” They’re feeling threatened by the gay cowboy! Oh man, either it’s the cold medicine or that’s ADORABLE. Adorable in a 40-year-old-virgin sort of way. I really love those posters at the mall of the 40-year-old virgin in a raincoat saying “Is it Monday yet?” Adorable.
The NEW YORK POST is, of course, shameless: “Quesada said the revelation is just a way of pumping new life into the character.” Shameless.
I think I mentioned this way back when, but Marvel’s publishing strategy: gay cowboy, firemen, policemen -- it’s the Village People. They’re being run by the Village People. If I were a betting man, would you bet on “Macho Man” or would you bet on “In the Navy”? It’s a tough call. My bet is on whichever will remove the heavy flavor of unholy mucus from my mouth.
DIAMOND COMICS SAYS
Every Monday, we provide a list of products shipping for
the current week, as well as those products expected to
ship the following week!
Shipping This Week: December 11
The following products are expected to ship to comic book
specialty stores this week. Note that this list is tentative
and subject to change. Please check with your retailer for availability.
C’mon, short list -- sane list. Just a nice short, sane list that we can all look at, and agree -- nothing funny here. Move along. I can restore myself to full health. You can go hide out and get high in the office bathroom, resume your search for internet porn. Short list. Sane list. Let’s all root for it. Let’s hold hands. Okay, here we go…
PREMIER PUBLISHERS
DARK HORSE
BETTIE PAGE LEOPARD BIKINI LS GRAY T/S L $19.99
BETTIE PAGE LEOPARD BIKINI LS GRAY T/S M $19.99
BETTIE PAGE LEOPARD BIKINI LS GRAY T/S XL $19.99
BETTIE PAGE LEOPARD BIKINI LS GRAY T/S XXL $19.99
BETTIE PAGE WARHOL BABYDOLL WHITE T/S L $17.99
BETTIE PAGE WARHOL BABYDOLL WHITE T/S M $17.99
BETTIE PAGE WARHOL BABYDOLL WHITE T/S XL $17.99
NOOOOOOOOO! Oh, god, it’s an omen.
See, Dark Horse is idiotic -- most of the people buying these t-shirts are probably putting it on their inflatable dolls, right? So, whatever size t-shirt matches the standard industry size of your basic US Manufactured inflatable doll should cost more. Or the XXL one should cost more if fellows are going by, you know, surface area. Dark Horse should maximize their profits.
Why does the LEOPARD BIKINI come in extra-extra large but the babydoll white only go up to extra-large? Do morbidly obese people resent babydoll white? Isn’t this sort of an implied judgment on the overweight? Hell, isn’t this an affront to you porkers? I’m a lawyer now -- I could organize a class action discrimination suit against Dark Horse for all you steak-swilling fatties, and we could get you the t-shirts you deserve. Just because you’re big-boned shouldn’t mean you’re forced to have Bettie Page in only a leopard bikini, and not the full range of bondage queen apparel. You didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on you.
Dark Horse…
CANNON GOD EXAXXION STAGE 1 TP (MR) $15.95
CLASSIC COMICS CHARACTERS #36 MING THE MERCILESS STATUE $49.95
KISS PHOTO CVR #4 $2.99
KISS RUBI CVR #4 $2.99
OH MY GODDESS #93 TRAVELER (PART 3 OF 5) $2.99
STAR WARS REPUBLIC #47 $2.99
STAR WARS TALES #14 $5.99
STAR WARS TALES PHOTO CVR #14 $5.99
Do you think whoever they hire for the photo covers of the STAR WARS comic books resent the people who get to actually be in the movies? I bet they’re really bitter. I bet Denis Lawson just picks on them, or whoever the fuck Admiral Ackbar was. Warwick Davis probably hurls his midget feces at them.
Or do they hire the people from the movies for the photo covers? How does that work exactly? All the waiters in Los Angeles who want to be actors --do they wind up on the covers of STAR WARS comics? Or all the girls who run away to Hollywood -- are the covers of Dark Horse comics essentially the same thing as milk cartons? Like MULHOLLAND DRIVE meets GALAXY QUEST.
SUPERMAN ALIENS II GODWAR #4 (Of 4) $2.99
DC COMICS
ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #611 $2.25
AQUAMAN #1 $2.50
Oh man, I’ve dreaded this moment when I’d have to start thinking of shit to say for AQUAMAN! Publishing a comic called AQUAMAN, which granted, we all know DC won’t be doing for long, but it’s like they’re taunting me. I take it personally.
It’s written by Rick Veitch, who’s famous in DC history for being fired from SWAMP THING after Alan Moore’s famous run. The controversy was that he had an arc where a time-travelling SWAMP THING met Jesus Christ, which DC, who, if I remember right, hates Jesus, refused to publish.
Obviously, that’s not going to happen again. I mean, Jesus isn’t going to meet fucking AQUAMAN. Hanging out with the hookers and the poor and the lepers is one thing, but come on -- hanging out with Aquaman? Compassionate is one thing, but being a glutton for lameness is another altogether. Aquaman is when Jesus has to pull out the velvet rope. “You -- you’re not on the list.”
I don’t know -- I never found anything under water interesting beyond my dinner plate. The movie THE ABYSS, the movie TITANIC, any Aquarium I’ve ever been to, SEA WORLD, AQUAMAN, NAMOR the SUB-MARINER, the SNORKELS, whatever -- I just want to know if I there’s something there I can eat. If AQUAMAN were about a lobster with maybe some butter on it, a little lemon -- I’d be a little more intrigued.
AZRAEL AGENT OF THE BAT #97 $2.95
BATGIRL #35 $2.50
BATMAN FAMILY #7 MR FUN (Of 8) $2.25
BATMAN LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT #162 $2.50
FABLES LEGENDS IN EXILE TP $9.95
GEN 13 #4 $2.95
GREEN LANTERN #157 $2.25
GREYSHIRT INDIGO SUNSET TP $19.95
HARLEY QUINN #27 $2.50
HAWKMAN #10 $2.50
HUNTER THE AGE OF MAGIC #18 (MR) $2.75
JUSTICE LEAGUE ANIMATED BATMAN MAQUETTE $89.95
MEK #2 (Of 3) $2.95
Oh man, is that the taste of snot in my mouth or is it this comic? Seems awfully shallow.
NIGHTWING #76 $2.25
POINT BLANK #5 (Of 5) (MR) $2.95
PROMETHEA BOOK TWO TP $14.95
SCOOBY-DOO #67 $2.25
STORMWATCH TEAM ACHILLES #6 (MR) $2.95
SUPERMAN DAY OF DOOM #4 (Of 4) $2.95
WAR STORY J FOR JENNY $4.95
Oh, the last WAR STORY was a pretty interesting comic. A bit uneven -- a lot of parts which I can’t say worked -- the artier moments. But I enjoyed the plot, the more exaggerated bits perhaps more typical to war comics, and it was one of the better efforts from Garth Ennis I’d seen since PREACHER ended. I’d be willing to read more of these, certainly.
WILL EISNERS THE SPIRIT MINI BUST $45.00
IMAGE
ART OF JOSEPH MICHAEL LINSNER HC $39.95
ART OF JOSEPH MICHAEL LINSNER LTD ED HC $69.95
I got curious, and did some research: the difference between the HARDCOVER and the LIMITED EDITION HARDCOVER is the LIMITED EDITION HARDCOVER is signed, numbered and includes 16 additional pages.
What’s on the 16 additional pages that’s possibly, in your wildest imagination, worth almost $2 a PAGE? A fragment of the Dead Sea Scrolls? Was Linsner one of the Fatima nuns? The Third Secret of Fatima was apparently that the Blessed Virgin loves the paintings of the half-nekkid magic hos…
Why not just print it right the first time? I don’t like the guy’s art to begin with, so I was never the target for this.
DARKNESS EXCLUSIVE HOLOFOIL ED #1 $5.95
Exclusive to morons. How is it exclusive if you’re SELLING it? Who’s excluded? People with good taste?
KABUKI VOL 6 SCARAB TP $19.95
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE CAMPBELL CVR #1 $2.95
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE NOREM CVR #1 $5.95
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE SANTALUCIA CVR #1 $2.95
The one that costs $3 more is this dull painted thing. It looks like a fantasy paperback from the 70s. All of these covers are about uniformly awful. I give Campbell more credit than most people -- I think he’s a talented enough guy, though I don’t really have any idea why he seemed to screw around so much with the fans of his last comic, DANGER GIRL. But this cover’s either phoned-in or brutally uninspired -- I hope the former. And the Santalucia cover -- the cover should never look worse than the interior art. The Santalucia cover looks like the cover from the 1980s, despite the interior art employing all sorts of fancy computer tricks. No design sense, weak posing, incredibly boring details… feh to all three covers… feh…
Badly done.
POWERS #26 $2.95
RADISKULL & DEVIL DOLL RADISKULL HATE CHRISTMAS ONE SHOT $2.50
Radiskull hate grammar, too. Radiskull rip off Frankenstein’s act. Fire bad!
MARVEL
AVENGERS #61 $2.25
BLACK PANTHER #52 $2.50
CAPTAIN AMERICA #6 (RES) $2.99
ELEKTRA #18 $2.99
ELEKTRA VOL 1 INTROSPECT TP $16.99
IRON MAN #62 $2.25
KILLRAVEN #3 (Of 6) $2.99
MARVILLE #3 $2.25
Man, that gay cowboy is coming not a moment too soon, huh? Pretty boring week for the Marvel books. Throw in the gay cowboy. Do something -- spice it up.
MEKANIX #3 (Of 6) $2.99
Obviously, they couldn't do MECHANICS. Kids love misspelling. Proper spellings remind them of English class. English class reminds them of their English teacher who'd rather have been an actress in the THEATRE. YEAH, well FUCK YOU LADY, Tennesse Williams couldn't find where your ass ends if he had an army of monkeys. Fuck you and your precious spelling!! I'm going to read MEKANIX!
This is why I'm writing the comic book column -- because I understand the kids.
PUNISHER #19 $2.99
I really enjoy the one cover that Tim Bradstreet’s managed to redraw for 19 issues now. Am I nuts or is it the same cover every time?
SPIDER-MAN LEGEND OF THE SPIDER CLAN #3 (Of 5) $2.25
WIZARD
TOYFARE OZZY OSBOURNE TOYS CVR #66 $4.99
TOYFARE WOLVERINE TOY CVR #66 $4.99
COMICS
AMELIA RULES #8 $2.95
AMY RACECAR VOL 1 TP (MR) $19.95
ARCHIE AND FRIENDS #65 $2.19
ARCHIE COMICS FUN PACK (O/A) PI
ARCHIE DOUBLE DIGEST #139 $3.59
BETTY #120 $2.19
BETTY & VERONICA FUN PACK (O/A) $2.49
BIG O PART 3 #2 (Of 4) $3.50
BLACK HOLE #10 (MR) $4.50
BUZZBOY VOL 1 TP TROUBLE IN PARADISE $11.95
CHAIROSCURO LTD ED PACK WITH SKETCH (MR) $14.95
CHERYL BLOSSOM SUPER PACK CHERYLS NEW JOB (O/A) $3.59
CHERYL BLOSSOM SUPER PACK ORIGINAL MINI SERIES (O/A) $3.59
Wait, which one is the porn comic -- CHERYL BLOSSOM or CHERRY POPTART? I think the latter. I think CHERYL BLOSSOM is an ARCHIE comic spin-off and CHERRY POPTART is the Archie comic porn-parody. The “NEW JOB” threw me.
CIVILIAN JUSTICE COLLECTORS HOLO FX S/N ED $19.95
Oh, this is that jingo comic. It’s a 9-11 comic by some jackass about a Terrorist getting impaled on a flag or something? It’s supposedly ghastly. I think it’s about a guy who runs around stabbing Arab Terrorists with a flag or something? Whenever I hear about it, the stories about it get more and more extreme. Can it possibly be as awful as people are saying?
COLONIA #8 $2.95
COURAGEOUS PRINCESS VOL 3 KINGDOM OF LEPTIA TP $12.95
CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON GN #1 $13.95
These are the comics that are adapting the same books that the CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON movie is based on. The movie adapted some of the middle books in this series of books, whereas the comic does the entire series, I think. It’s supposedly a very successful series of comics from Hong Kong. The preview art was certainly appealing.
DEATH & CANDY #3 (MR) $4.95
DEMON BEAST INVASION BOOK 1 (A) $16.95
Oh, this is the comic that got that guy arrested in Texas, right? Yeah, a retailer sold this comic to another adult, but that other adult was unfortunately a Texan sheriff, so it’s basically the same thing as selling it to a child. Accordingly, the retailer was arrested and convicted on obscenity charges; the case is being appealed to the Supreme Court, but the odds of the Supreme Court ever taking any case is usually low.
Kind of curious to see this on the list after all that.
DF ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY VOL 1 HC REMARKED $199.99
DF ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY VOL 1 HC SGN $89.99
DF SMALLVILLE THE COMIC SGN #1 $19.99
DF SUPERGIRL SGN #75 $19.99
DF SUPERMAN DAY OF DOOM SGN #1 $19.99
DFE DARKNESS #1 ALT CVR $6.99
DFE XIN #1 ALT CVR $6.99
DOOFUS OMNIBUS (MR) $16.95
DRAGONBALL VOL 10 TP $12.95
EDGE HOLIDAY GIFT PACK $29.85
FEMFORCE #117 $5.95
FOOTLICKER #1 (A) $3.50
Ooooh… Man, FOOTLICKER! Half the comic artists in comics can’t even draw feet to begin with! The panel always cuts them off in the ankles. Smoke’s always coming out of the ground. Now, they’re going to draw foot-lickin’?
The guy who helped President Clinton come up with the triangulation strategy he used to basically get his presidency back on track was a big footlicker. Takes all types. Well, all types of pervert fetish-freaks. Even still…
You know, I am SUCKING this week, hard, and I’d rather not suck so hard. So I’m going to cut out here, and just keep it short rather than keep sucking. That’s enough. Sorry folks, but … I got a head cold.
None of the other comic columnists get head colds. They’re inhuman. Who doesn’t get a cold now and then?
THE REST OF THE LIST
FORGE #9 $7.95
FORGE HOLIDAY GIFT PACK $29.85
GENERIC COMIC BOOK #11 $1.95
HATE ANNUAL #3 (MR) $4.95
HOLLIDAY #3 $2.50
INU YASHA PART 7 #5 (Of 8) $2.95
JUDGE ANDERSON DEATHS DARK DIMENSION GN $16.95
KISSING CHAOS NONSTOP BEAUTY #2 (Of 4) (MR) $2.95
LOUIS CLOWNS LAST WORDS HC $44.95
LOVE & ROCKETS VOL 2 #6 (MR) $3.95
MARC HEMPELS NAKED BRAIN #3 (Of 3) $2.95
METAL HURLANT #3 (MR) $3.95
MINERVA VOL 1 (A) $9.95
MOONSTONE NOIR HAT SQUAD GN (MR) $5.50
NEGATION #13 $2.95
NETHER AGE OF MAGA #3 PI
PREY #1 (MR) $2.95
PROJECT ARMS PART 1 #4 (Of 16) $3.25
RAIJIN COMICS #2 (MR) $4.95
RED PROWLING DEVIL GN #1 $9.95
SARAI VOL 1 GN #8 (MR) $9.95
SHONEN ACE MAGAZINE NOV 2002 $8.99
SHOOTING STAR COMICS ANTHOLOGY #1 $5.95
SIGIL #31 $2.95
SOJOURN #18 $2.95
TIM VIGILS WEBWITCH WRAPAROUND CVR #3 (Of 3) (MR) $3.95
TRANSFORMERS WAR WITHIN #3 $2.95
VIDEO GIRL AI VOL 5 TP SPINOFF $15.95
WARLANDS VOL 3 #1 $2.95
WEREWOLF APOCALYPSE FIANNA GN (MR) $5.95
YOUNGBLOOD #1 CONVENTION ORIGINAL SKETCH ED #1 $49.99
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