FILM FLAM FLUMMOX *EXTRA*

by Michael Dequina
March 14, 2003

FRONT PAGE INTRO: Fox has once again hooked Michael Dequina into their cheesy talent search series--and he's intent on dragging on others down with him as he begins his week-by-week analysis with this season two introduction.

EVERYTHING YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL 2003

One good turn deserves another--or, in TV land, one cheesy yet wildly popular phenomenon deserves another season, and so barely a quarter-year passes before Fox serves up a second round of young, marginally-to-staggeringly talented vocalists vying for flash-in-the-pan fame and even more fleeting fortune in AMERICAN IDOL.

Cynical much? Yes, but one look at the current career states of first season's standouts foretells a dire fate in store for whomever breaks out of the pack in this 2003 edition. Last summer's winner, big-voiced girl next door Kelly Clarkson, came out of the gates running with the series' saccharine anthem "A Moment Like This," which shot to number one on the pop singles chart right after the season finale. The single indeed marked a moment, as her debut album still has yet to hit stores, delayed first by a slapdash national concert tour by AI's ten finalists and then--most infamously--by the production of the feature film FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY: A TALE OF TWO AMERICAN IDOLS, co-starring season one's runner-up, the curly-topped and smarmy egoist Justin Guarini. If early clips of the film (due for a release on April 25--a mere two months after wrapping principal photography) are any indication, this so-described "GREASE on the beach" will surely kill the movie musical renaissance spearheaded by MOULIN ROUGE! and CHICAGO, not to mention drive the final nail in the career coffin of the truly talented, deserves-better Clarkson. The inevitable fifteen minute expiration for the insufferable Guarini, on the other hand, would be an occasion worthy of celebration; it's just horribly unfortunate that this talentless ass has to drag Clarkson down with him.

Of all of last season's finalists, the one most poised to have a lasting career is fourth-place finisher Tamyra Gray, whose elimination from the competition touched off a media uproar. She has more than landed on her feet, snagging top-flight producers such as Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis and Babyface to work on her upcoming debut disc. In the meantime, she is also dabbling in acting, but in a respectable (at least in comparison to the certain cheese-o-rama of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY) outlet: David E. Kelley's high school drama BOSTON PUBLIC. Gray's acting skills are average at best, but her in-progress, song-heavy seven-episode stint is serving as a potent reminder of what a stellar musical performer she is. The lesson that should be gleaned by this year's competitors? Try to finish high, but not necessarily at the very top of the heap.

But maybe things will turn out differently this season, as the series hasn't been identical to last year's. Brian Dunkleman has departed to concentrate on--no joke--acting and comedy gigs, leaving Los Angeles disc jockey Ryan Seacrest flying solo in the host chair. Surprisingly, Seacrest is somewhat agreeable when not saddled with the awful "comic" patter he had to exchange with the Dunk. The terrible trio of judges--Brit record exec Simon Cowell, music producer Randy Jackson, and she-who-needs-no-introduction Paula Abdul--remains the same after a failed attempt to add a fourth judge into the mix (New York DJ/hip-hop artist Angie Martinez bailed after three days on the job--and, consequently, any last vestige of her involvement/very existence was edited out before this season began airing). However, this week's episode marks the beginning of a revolving fourth judge chair. Before anyone says "STAR SEARCH" (oh, how horrible that CBS revival-in-name-only is), the AI producers appear to not be hiring desperate-for-any-gig C-list stars for the fourth chair. Legendary Motown songwriter Lamont Dozier is, appropriately enough, guest judge for the Motown episode, and if the producers continue the path of choosing guests with some relevance to the theme of the week, this may not be such a bad idea.

Perhaps the biggest difference between this season and last is the variety of contestants in the finalist pool. Not only are there now a dozen finalists (a transparent move designed to elongate the season of this ratings bonanza), but very few of them fit the traditional "thin, glamorous" pop idol ideal. Cowell has stated that "talent vs. image" would be the prevailing theme this season, and that has indeed been the case, as the most popular contestants--chief among one-time front-runner Frenchie Davis, who was controversially booted from the competition due to a racy photo scandal--hardly fit the conventional "beautiful person" mold.

So without further ado, this season's victims--er, finalists...

Charles Grigsby: Charles is perhaps the best example of how the voting audience has been largely advancing the talent. Going into his semifinal round, he didn't receive a single second of screen time; and, to be frank, his rather sedate rendition of Stevie Wonder's "Overjoyed" left something to be desired from a performance standpoint. What he lacked in presence and command of the stage, however, he more than compensated in vocal ability, as his smooth tenor glided effortlessly, flawlessly over the difficult key changes. Unless he gets over his visible nerves, though, it's hard to imagine him surviving terribly long in the competition. But we can at least hope he outlasts...

Julia DeMato: In the season of "talent vs. image," Julia is notable for having neither. In fact, her continued presence can only be explained by the inexplicably biased editing of the season's fourth episode, which contrived a "storyline" where "sweet, meek" Julia waited for hours in a hotel lobby, apparently frozen out of a critical group rehearsal by three others, notably "bitchy" blonde Kimberly Caldwell. However, savvy, attentive viewers would realize that Julia was one big self-involved idiot who doesn't follow instructions; Kimberly clearly told her groupmates to meet her in her hotel room in an hour, but Julia had to play martyr in the lobby, and she made matters even worse by intentionally holding up group rehearsal the following morning and prodding her shrew of a sister to chew out Kimberly and company. Apparently the viewing audience is dumber than it appears as it voted through Julia rather than Kimberly, who is superior in every respect. Hopefully enough viewers will come to their senses and realize that under Julia's insanely tacky style sense (an orange blouse?), preternaturally weathered face (there is no way she is under the age of 45), and saggy breasts (make that under the age of 60), there is absolutely nothing special about her not-awful-but-nothing-more voice. The less said about her scary performance "skills," the better, as I still have nightmares about the absolutely repulsive "I'm gonna eat you AND YOUR FAMILY!" faces she made during her utterly soulless desecration of Dusty Springfield's classic "Son of a Preacher Man."

Ruben Studdard: In season one, there is no way that Luther-girthed Ruben would've made it as far as the semifinals, let alone the finals, so it's somewhat surprising that image-obsessed Simon has emerged as one of his biggest fans. But then again, Ruben does have a silky Vandross voice and charisma to go with the body, as wonderfully exemplified by his semifinal rendition of "Superstar." Now, if only he would ditch the jerseys and start dressing in something less casual for his performances.

Kimberley Locke: With the aforementioned ousting of fan favorite Frenchie, with whom she performed a blazing rendition of Freda Payne's "Band of Gold" during the preliminary rounds, Kimberley's (with an extra "e") is undeniably the powerhouse voice of competition--and, like Ruben and Frenchie, she has a size to match her voice. Some would also say an attitude, as "evidenced" by her "argument" with Simon over her personality (or lack thereof) in her semifinal round, but these eyes and ears that smiley-faced sparring session was obviously all done in good fun. One can only be thankful for the revolving theme weeks of the finals, as it means Kimberley will finally have to retire "Over the Rainbow," which she has already performed no less than three times this entire competition.

Rickey Smith: Goofy guy Rickey is perhaps best known for his impression of Eddie Murphy as Mama Klump ("Hercules! Hercules!"), which is sad since he indeed has one of the best voices of the competition--perhaps even the most versatile, as he's capably done Brian McKnight/Luther Vandross crooning, Michael Jackson belting/yelping and classical opera. Alas, the personality that earned him most of the attention could be his liability as the "Hercules! Hercules!" act has grown tired--though the producers continue prod him into doing it. Recent appearances on AI and other programs show him to be intent on dropping the schtick, but will the powers that be let him?

Vanessa Olivarez: Vanessa's spiky, dyed hair has invited comparisons to last year's third-place finisher, red-haired rocker Nikki McKibbin, but that's where the similarities begin and end. While McKibbin's style was Hot Topic chic, Vanessa, who has actually appeared in an episode sporting a feather boa, is going for something more wacky and flamboyant, à la Bette Midler. And unlike the terminally tone-deaf McKibbin, Vanessa can more than capably carry a tune, not to mention different styles; her initial audition song was "Bohemian Rhapsody," and she was voted into to the finals after performing the Irene Cara ballad "Out Here on My Own" from everyone's favorite performing arts high school epic, FAME. She should definitely make things more interesting as the music themes change with each week, but one wonders if her flashy personality will quickly grow as grating as Rickey's "Hercules!" schtick.

Joshua Gracin: A vote for Joshua is a vote against terrorism and Saddam! That seems to be the angle being worked whenever Joshua, a lance corporal in the Marines and married father to boot, performs--unfortunate, since on his own, non-patriotism-swayed merits, Joshua has a decent voice, though one better suited to country music than the prefab pop this series represents. He is far from the best or the worst in the finals, but I get the feeling America will vote for him to stay for far longer than he deserves, if only to keep him from being deployed to Iraq.

Corey Clark: Corey is easily the most loathed contestant this season, and with very good reason. Not only is he painful to look at in a Michael Jackson way (his bouffant afro is even greasier and more unruly than Guarini's last year) and absolutely painful to listen to (his ear-splitting, perpetually off-key falsetto is more piercing than a dog whistle), he is pure sleaze. During the preliminary rounds, he notoriously blew off practice for a night of wild drinking and sex and then proceeded to bomb his audition the next day--and only redeemed himself by shamelessly sucking up (while horribly out-of-tune, natch) to Paula. Why Simon and Randy followed Paula in agreeing to advance Corey to the semis is a mystery for the ages, as is how the voting public found his shrill rendition of Steve Perry's "Foolish Heart" good enough to push him into the finals. Hopefully he'll shriek his way out of the competition sooner rather than later.

Kimberly Caldwell: Kimberly is also one of the least popular finalists, due in part to her shameless camera hogging and perhaps in larger part to the whole contrived drama with Julia--which, for me at least, justifies why she works overtime to come off as a nicey-nice person. Kimberly is one of the three wild card finalists selected by the judges (in this case, Randy), and her appeal is undeniable. Of the final 12, she's the one that most fits the pop star prototype: blonde, attractive, with charisma and polished performance skills making up for a decent but very limited voice. Love her or hate her, she obviously has a ball whenever on the stage though one has to wonder how her deep, smoky singing voice can adapt to the rotating music themes. But, hey, if McKibbin can make it to the final three last season, surely Kimberly can go far.

Trenyce: Another judges' wild card selection (by Paula), the former Lashundra Cobbins is the closest thing this season has to a Tamyra Gray: killer voice, great presence, palpable confidence. She's perhaps an even better showperson than Gray, as evidenced by her fiery performance of "Let's Stay Together," done in the style of Tina Turner's cover version--right down to the skimpy, prostitute-like outfit. She can get a little carried away with the mugging and arm gesturing, but Trenyce one of the few finalists so far who have proven to be able to command a stage.

Carmen Rasmusen: Conspiracy theories abound as to why Simon chose Carmen as his wildcard pick--and, in all honesty, only an underhanded reason can adequately explain how she made the top 12. In a controversial move, four of the contestants in the wild card show were ones who originally didn't make the top 32; Carmen was one of these four and easily the worst. Not only did she prove her complete lack of musical talent by warbling "Can't Fight the Moonlight" in a tuneless, vibrato-laden voice best described as the noise made by a gargling frog riding a jackhammer, she proved her utter stupidity by calling said selection from the pure pop COYOTE UGLY soundtrack--which she performed in its techno remix version, no less--a country song. When Simon revealed her as his wild card selection (which most viewers feel should've been the cool, D'Angelo-resembling crooner Chip Days) not only did the other candidates and viewing audience audibly gasp, so did fellow judges Randy and Paula. Speculation ranges from the fairly innocent (Simon was forced to maintain a 6-6 gender balance in the finals--but why the worst of the wild card females, then?) to the downright sinister (Simon intentionally chose the worst contestant as a way to get back at the producers, with whom he has been openly feuding). Whatever the reason, Carmen's continued presence means more aural torture for the viewing audience--though, to be frank, I'd rather listen to her gurgling than the castrated banshee wails of Corey Clark any day of the week.

Clay Aiken: What a meteoric rise Clay has enjoyed: he just barely missed advancing in his semifinal week, placing third, but after being selected as the viewing audience's wild card pick suddenly he's been anointed as the clear-cut frontrunner. When one thinks about it, it all makes sense. Despite (because of?) his geeky, elfin appearance, Clay is the heartthrob of the competition, not unlike Guarini last season; visit a number of AI message boards, and you'll run into throngs of females who squeal in orgasmic delight at the mere mention of his name. And like last year's winner Clarkson, he has a humble, down-home personality--not to mention a booming, soulful, oh-HELL-no! voice coming out of a tiny little caucasian package. The chief--and very valid--criticism of Clay is that his carefully enunciated delivery is better suited to Broadway than pop, but his quiet confidence, unusual yet undeniable stage presence and jaw-dropping musical talent add up to potential superstar in any genre.

And so you have all you need to know going into the start of AMERICAN IDOL 2003's final round. I'll be back next week with an assessment of the first week's action and predictions for things to come.

AMERICAN IDOL airs Tuesdays at 8pm/7pm Central and Wednesdays at 8:30pm/7:30pm Central on Fox.

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